Circumstantial Depression and 2 Others

I believe I suffer from Circumstantial Depression. But my circumstances never change, therefore I get depression all the time to some extent? Which makes me think that Bipolar 2 is a Circumstantial Depression with bouts of Slight Mania due to things FINALLY going your way, smoothly and good for a little bit. If this is, in fact, a valad hypotheseis on Bipolar 2, then this is what I have. Thanks to United4Life.com, here are the three types of depression.

1) Circumstantial Depression

• Circumstances have gone wrong in your life causing you to be depressed
• Should last about 2 weeks and no longer than 6 weeks
• Will last longer if:
  • The circumstances keep happening to you (i.e. being bullied on a regular basis)
  • The circumstance is so bad that you have to deal with it (i.e. abuse)

2) Clinical Depression

• A chemical imbalance in the brain
• Can be onset at any time during adoescence
• 12–15% of the American population suffers from this imbalance
• Can be diagnosed as Major Depressive Disorder, Uni–polar Depression, or Bi–polar Depression
• If you have been depressed for more than 2 weeks without ongoing circumstances, you may have clinical depression
• Visit your doctor. This is an easy way to get info.

3) Drug & Alcohol Related Depression

• A chemical imbalance brought on by the circumstance of dumping depressants into your body
• Alcohol & marijuana are depressants
• Other drugs, such as cocaine, cause depression during the come–down
• Prescription drugs, including birth control, have depression as a side–effect

About Clinical Depression, isn't it ALL Clinical if you are being treated in a Clinic/Clinical setting? I am so confused. Anyway, I hope this helps my readers to distinguish the three types of depression.

Bullying

Today, I went to my first meeting on bullying. Marcia McEnvoy, Ph. D. facilitated the  meeting. I wish more people showed up. I was the "actor" or "guinea pig" if you say, on teaching techniques on how to handle bullying, which she prefers to call BAD BEHAVIOR!!!! Many, in fact all kids and adults act on bad behavior in their life, but most are NOT bullies. Bullies stand for about 15% of the communities because bullies are people who love to hurt people, get off on hurting people and crave and function on hurting people. Most people don't do this. Most people pick on others because they are having a bad day, and need to take it out on someone. Not saying this is right, but it is an epidemic going on around the world. We are desensitized to being rude and mean. Look at all the sitcoms out there, most of them the  punchline is  insulting someone. Look at all the violence on TV, the movies in the media. We are bombarded with rude, mean and disruptive behaviors. So, of course, it effects people, especially the young and impressionable people.

I for one am glad I went to the meeting. I know all I need to know about starting my non-profit and I know it won't be easy. I have a lot stacked against me and many people who think being bullied or bullying is a "rite of passage". It don't have to be, and it effects many kids/adults all their lives.

I will type more about this when I have more time and am not depressed. The last few days have been rough. I think I am coming down with the flu or a cold. My neck is very sore, I am achy, tired, yet, I can't sleep, my head is racing and I feel so drained and fatigued. I am having wacky dreams that keep me awake when, in fact, I do fall asleep. I haven't worked out in 2 days and I binged on chocolate and Harvest Sun Chips and Salsa. I know, it isn't too bad, but it's a START!!! I need to jump BACK on the wagon and get with it. I need to take care of myself. It's hard, it's really hard when all you want to do is sleep and do nothing. A vegetable! I offended any parapelegic right now saying that. Because I know they want to get off their butts and walk and run and workout and would do anything to not be depressed laying in bed, and here, I am wanting to "lay in bed" and just short of throwing a pity party, I need to get real!!! So tomorrow, I am re-evaluating my life. I am turning down the phone, and taking care of myself to get myself back on track. I will write until I come to the conclusion on how I can fix my brain to not feel this way. What the hell is wrong with it? I do have group therapy tomorrow, but I will not offer any detail on what I am going through. I will get healthy advice and coping skills and get back to getting me better.

Have a good night my readers, my friends!

Pain and How We Contribute to Our Own!

Something that we often forget is that we all play a role in the creation of the pain we experience, even if someone else is involved. We don't recognize that we volunteer for that pain. We show up for it. We tolerate it. Once we acknowledge our own contribution, the healing can begin.  So stop nurturing the very things that hurt you.

#1. My Oldest Daughter: I must confront the simmering pain that she has caused me this past year. I am not saying I am without faults, but I seem to go all passive-aggressive when it comes to her. I say "it's OK" and "I've gotten over it" and "I've forgiven her" but in all actuality, I HAVE NOT!!! I miss her, I am angry she chose her BF over her family and still continues to be gone from the family like a fucking fart drifting in the wind! She don't come here, she don't visit, she don't even call me. Hell, she don't even fucking Facebook me anymore and you know what? I AM FUCKING HURT!!!!! I don't  know if I will ever "get over" this!!!! I will take this to my grave!

#2. The Demise of My Marriage: I am so pissed off about this!!!! Because I put so much into this marriage. I have forgiven him so many times and I continue to take the abuse, even to this day! I am sick of this bullshit too! You have no idea what I put into this 17 year marriage!!!! Now I am losing my house in the process, which is also my #3 thing that hurt me.

Back to the marriage! I initiated any talk, sex, outing, ANYTHING! I started the marriage by proposing to him because I was pregnant. I, in a sense, did this to me!!! I sound like a big whiny crybaby, but, these things need to be said and validated. I tried and I tried and I tried so much more and I still come up short!

#3. We Are Losing the House: Yes, my big beautiful white house with the white picket fence I dreamed of and thought I'd die in is gonna be gone in a couple months. I can't obtain a mortgage. I put at least 25 GRAND into this house out of my inheritence and it's ALL GONE!!! I might as well take 25 Grand and burn it in my yard. No wait, that's illegal!!!! Well, to me, so is losing this house!!! We even paid $800 a month for 3 years and nothing to show for. I am so incredibily hurt about this. This too, I will take to my grave!

#4. Grandpa Who Abused Me: This is probably the biggest hurt of them all. Not the actual sexual abuse, although it did scar me. It was how my family treated and responed to it. The cover up! How one aunt tried to blacken my name in defense of her father. How she threatened me. I WILL NEVER GET OVER THAT, EVER!!! I may heal from the sexual abuse and for the most part, have. But it's her way of treating me, like I am some harlet lyar, is so hurtful and to blame me, for her father's illness and stress! If only I wasn't a scared little pussy and actually went to the police, with the eye witnesses, maybe I would have had some closure and validation and seeing him behind bars. Now, he is dead, and got away with it, is free and I have nightmares about it! My Mother finally admitted she knew this was going on, cause she witnessed it happening to her sisters, Mother and what I used to say as a child after visiting Grandpa and Grandma! That is just a small consolation.

#5. My Friends: Really aren't my friends. Maybe because I don't let them get too close to me, or maybe I get too close to them, then pull away and expect everything to be OK? I don't know? I sometimes have to force myself out of the house to visit my friends, sometimes I feel I don't deserve friends and at other times, I feel that I owe it to myself to make connections with people so I don't end up alone in 30 years. But they don't get me, and they don't understand me. I only speak to one person from group and he's a stretch!!! The jury is still out on him. I don't understand him as well as I may think I do. So I just leave it be and hope that maybe things can work out but they never do. Life goes on and I end up someone that they used to know.

Scaredy Cat to Brave Lioness

I went upstairs over the weekend! :-) I cleaned up some more of my hoarding items like magazines, pens, papers, markers.... stuff that dried out and stuff that is irrelevent is going away, trashed, File 13.
I am proud of myself for overcoming my fear to go upstairs. I realize that when I move, it's less shit I have to move and I need to enjoy the last couple months of my apartment upstairs.

MA contacted me via text message to go for coffee on Tuesday. I haven't responded yet. First, I been busy cleaning upstairs. I been thinking as I been cleaning up there and am starting to feel paranoid about meeting up with him. For weeks, he blatantly ingnored me, then I asked him to meet up with me for coffee and there goes the saying "be careful what you wish for"!!!! So now, he wants to meet up. To say what to me? Why now? Well, looks like I will be having coffee with MA on Tuesday.

Back to cleaning......

Scaredy Cat

The last new days I have been having a rough time. After losing the house, I got bitter and CRAZY, and went on a 4 day binge! I ate anything and everything. I am not happy to admit this. But I am happy to admit I am just a person, one person, who struggles with depression/mental illness, and am trying to deal with life, like, in a sense, everyone else is. I am trying to "stay on the wagon" and not go crazy again and overeat. At least I am not cutting!!!!!!!

I also think I  lost my friend, MA. He is completely ignoring me. Well, I don't blame him. He is trying to get his life together and mine is falling apart even more. He's upset about the letter I wrote him. I think he should get over that!!!! Fine, he don't want to, I asked, he declined, move on!!! Whatever, there are no stupid questions, just stupid answer and responses to the questions. I am very forthcoming, and when I want something, I will ask, because the worst anyone can say is NO and you never know without asking! So, the answer is no, move on. Hate losing a friendship over that.

Anyway, now it's time to talk about my living arrangements. What upsets me more than anything is the house being let go come June, maybe July if Jason is nice. I keep thinking about all the work I done in the "apartment" upstairs that I won't be enjoying anymore. All the money my parents and I put into this house (50 grand we are losing, I might as well take 50 grand and put it in a pile and make a bon fire or smoke it...big $1000 bills, 50 of them)  I used to like going up in there, my sanctuary, and now, I just can't bring myself to go up there. So I been wearing the same clothes over and over for the last week. I wash them, and put them back on again, and I have 2 pairs of PJ's I wear for when one set it dirty and when I wash my black ensemble. I can't get to my purfumes and makeup, I mean I have mascara, powder and lipstick in my purse down here and I been wearing that or going natural. I look good natural I think. Giving my face a break. I know I will have to go back up there at some point. It better be soon. FEAR it's a dibilitating thing!!! Fear and Love are the 2 most driving forces in human nature. I wish I had a better driving force!!!!!

Well my friends, I will let you know when I make it upstairs, or if you see me in anything other than what I am wearing, you'll know I made the trip "up there". I am afraid to see all that I will be missing. I will have to get rid of a lot of stuff to downsize too. I am too weak to look. Like a scary movie and I put the blanket over my face to protect from the carnage and unpredictable startle.

CHANGE!!!!!

Today, I am going to talk about CHANGE!!!! I don't like this new set up on my blog.

I am thinking about starting a "comedic" blog on my cat called "The Harlow Diaries"

My anonymous friend just made himself unanonymous. He will still always be MA and I will always be Anya on this blog, (for now) but the way I appraoch things and my blog will change.

Alot has been happening. I got rid of the PC virus. I got a body virus in it's place, a spring cold or flu but am well now. I went into a minor depressive state and binged ate for 2 days taking in 3,500 calories a day. I felt horrible. It was like an alcoholic falling "off the wagon" and I HATED myself for it and I just was uncomfortable. My pants got a little tight and I gained 11 pounds. Now, I didn't gain it all just by eating and overindulging. I work out HARD and I developed muscle. It's safe to say my legs are ripped and my arms are semi-ripped and my abs are getting firmer.  However, muscle weighs more than fat, 4 times more, so that has a lot to do with the weight gain. So my 137 weight 2 weeks ago, well, add 11 pounds to that. UGGHHHH!!! But I am still fitting in a size 8, although it's a bit tight, I can put it on and button it up. That's good. I just have to realize that I made 2 mistakes and am back on the saddle again.

My friend/interest, has obviously turned me down. I gave him the letter and he just cut off all communication from me. So, I guess this means NO to the suggestion of our relationship trying to go physical. He's too insecure I think to try something like this now and he's afraid of getting hurt. I understand. He just hasn't gotten around to the concept that I'm not going anywhere anytime soon and therefore shouldn't be a factor. Good thing for me, I am patient and am giving him his time and space. I will email him once or maybe twice a week. I wrote him tonight. So, it will be interesting if he writes back. I still want to hang out with him and see movies, go for lunch and coffee. I am not putting any plan into action. I will just take things as they come. With MA, you just can't plan with him. It's either it will or won't happen and if he is resistant, NO ONE can change him. So don't bother trying. So, I will just wait and see what happens in the future. It will be fun to see what happens and I like how we never plan anything. I wasn't planning on holding his hand in the theater the last time we went. I liked touching his pants and his skin at the knee and he went to touch my hand. That, is a bonus :-) Anyway, I do miss him!

The trampoline is 6 weeks on backorder. It's a good size 15 footer with enclosure. Can't wait to get this. I have a feeling I won't be getting off it and will probably drop more weight. I love keeping active. It's fun and it helps so I don't cut anymore. I do think about food more than I should, so I did take some TrimSpa, and it's NOT working so I am not gonna bother finishing the bottle. It's not worth it. Nothing in there will hurt me!!!! So, maybe I might consider finishing it. Wishy washy huh? I had slightly more energy but I still wanted to eat like a cow!!!!

Well, I finished with my bedding. I cleaned my upstairs apartment up, no more food all over the floor in boxes. I tossed so many magazines I been hoarding. I am a hoarder. I keep thinking that I will need these things. I am saving the recipes mags but other than that, all else is trashed. Clutter GONE!!! CHANGE! CHANGE! CHANGE! I have 2 large open rooms now and all my things are upstairs. I feel free and liberated.

Well, this is all for now. I took a little break, needed to rethink my path on this blog and if I want to expose myself. For now, I am chosing not to. In the future, I may reveal who I am. I don't have many followers as I have drive by readers/lurkers.

Have a good night!
Anya!

Why Do People Steal?

It saddens me to no end, that people steal from others, especially from unfortunate people. It saddens me that some people go through great lengths to get free, unearned income. Now, I myself, am guilty of ACCEPTING money from Daddy, but I don't steal. I don't sit at home and make up trojans that hack into peoples accounts and steal from them.

This is what happened. I had $177.80 in my account and now I am -127.77  and I want to know WHO THE FUCK TOOK IT???? It was that Malware my Brother-in-Law told me to get. No, he didn't say what brand or one to get, I assumed with a google check and WikipediaSecurity that it was legit. Well, I gave my credit card number and within a couple days my account was compromised. Now, I have to borrow against May's check to pay off all the $37.00 service charges to the bank. YES, readers, even though I am disputing the charges, I am STILL REQUIRED TO PAY!!!! It may take months of investigation to get my money back, but for now, it's bye-bye almost $300.00 and I am lucky I went to the store to buy kitty litter cause I never would have found out my debit CC didn't have sufficent funds in it. I WAS FUCKING PISSED!!!!

So, I ask, why the hell would someone steal from someone? They didn't earn their money, they plotted, hacked, and spent all that time and energy to steal from someone when I am sure they have the beast skills to get a legit job somewhere making real money!!!
Shame on you hackers, you bastard muther fuckers!!! (GAWD, I GOT THAT OFF MY CHEST)
I am still pissed but I at least feel better!
Lastly, in my health update. I had more bloodwork today for my A1C, Lipid Panel, and the whole 9 yards of...do I have enough Vitamin D, or too much Potassium and is my Liver working right and is my cancer still in remission? Yes, I get cancer screening blood tests from previous breast cancer and cervical cancer (don't have a cervix now, but I worry about the ladies and my lymph nodes and also yes, I know, they aren't fool proof and can be false positives or false negatives, but I at least get an idea where I stand in cancer and inflammation in my body. I will know in 2 WEEKS!!! So far my fasting bloodsugar has been between 71 at it lowest and 89 at it's highest for the last few months :-) I am proud of this.
G'nite my lovely readers!!!
OH, and run lots of virus scans!!!

Movies, Friends, and Texting While Driving Oh MY!!!!

The one thing that is my pet peeve is people who text while driving. GRRR!!! It drives me crazy!!! It takes me back to living back in the old trailer park on the east side of the state and had people speed so fast down the streets, texting, on the phone or just not paying attention. So once, a bunch of us neighbors got together, because we all had small children and we decided to scare the fuck outta some of these bastards. We hid behind my old minivan and threw a realistic baby at the car. OK, this isn't wise and it's downright stupid I might add, but, we were desperate and it definately got their attention. One, being a 17 year old girl who slammed on the brakes, screamed and got out of the car and just cried to the point she needed to call her parents to come and get her cause she was too traumatized to drive home the next block over. There was the lady at the bus stop, who was tired of the speeders and the people who didn't stop for the red light of the bus and stop sign (another pet peeve of mine) and she walked in front of the car, pounded on the hood, NO, that woman was NOT me, but she scared the hell outta some people. She was an ass kicker and someone I miss dearly.

Anyway, I seen 21 Jump Street with MA and I LOVED the movie. I laughed like I haven't in a long while. He smelled good, his fabric softner was MMMM and I couldn't resist touching his leg. He ended up holding my hand, which was unexpected but nice. He has very warm hands. We had a few laughs together. I gave him "the letter"!!! The one I've been holding onto for over a month. I feel the need to ask for what I want and maybe work on a little "therapy" a new type of therapy? One that I hope he takes some time to really think about, something that COULD be beneficial. Anyway, I gave it to him. I wrote about the letter a few plus weeks ago and I finally got the nerve to give it to him, because, well, I'm not getting any younger here!!!

Goodnight my Readers, I shall post when something new happens, or if I am struck by an important point I can't pass up!

The Splendor of a Sound Mind

I must say, over the past 3 months, I've really taken control of my life and improved on every level of existence. I feel great! I am working on my body, mind, spirit and soul. I have been exercising for a couple hours (at least) a day, along with some short walks with the kids or dog after meals to get my digestive system working properly. I have been working on thinking with my Wise Mind instead of my Emotional Mind, although, I do display some emotion, I am not ruled my it. The walks in nature feed my spirit and my prayers soothe my soul. I am feeling complete!

I finally have 100% of my things upstairs in my rooms. I no longer have to go into the master bedroom unless I want to. This has liberated me and made me feel in control. Now if I can be financially independent, I would feel a whole lot better about myself. Also, if I lost a little more weight (the belly bulge, droopy boobs and a flat butt are bothering me) I am happy that I have toned arms, and legs. I purchased a DVD/Book Combo on Looking Better Naked. It's based on eating right (lots of fruits and veggies and MUFAS) and doing full body cardio, with strength training and using your own body weight as resistance, like in Pilates. I was a former Pilates junkie in my day and it's all coming back to me now.

I also have come to peace with my oldest daughter leaving the house to live with her boyfriend. They adopted a pet rat and are raising it. I am happy for them. I am at peace with them. I am at peace with a lot of things, such as the end of my marriage and still living here with him. I am choosing my moves wisely as in Chess. I calculate my risks before I proceed. Which means, I actually THINK before doing or saying something. This is why, I haven't given MA my letter I wrote many weeks ago. I don't think he'd like it, and I already put it out there what I want from him, it's his choice to reciprocate. His Chess move now. I am not asking to be his GF, he don't want one, I don't want a steady boyfriend. I like seeing him, but I also would like to try and get physical with him. This is a huge issue for him. I believe he relayed his fear and anxiety on his performance and the size of his goodies and whether the medication he is taking will inhibit his being able to perform in a way that would please a woman and himself. I feel that he's not giving it a chance. Not every woman would be so judgemental. Many women would enjoy the practice and would have patience with him. He just has to give them a chance. It doesn't always have to be that difficult. But I suppose he just isn't ready and you can't make someone do something they don't want to do, especially sex. It's legally and morally wrong.

So, the point is, I left it out there, he KNOWS! I just have to wait and see if he will come to terms with his issues. I am happy that I have. I work hard on my body, my life and my spirit. It takes a lot of grueling work, but it's worth it in the end, to have the confidence and self love. I didn't think I'd get this far, and I certainly never thought I'd say, I am starting to LIKE my body!!!! I used to hate it. I put a lot of time and effort in it and I am going to enjoy it. Right now, I am enjoying dressing it up. There are still lots of work to do, but I have a huge solid foundation to start and that makes me happy.

Come on my journey with me!

Splendor of Something New

I am going through some good transformations.

First, My energy level is beyond supersonic! I have been working out 3 hours a day. Instead of eating on the couch watching TV, I run and jump and lift arm weights on my Rebounder. This makes me so relaxed after and I feel a sense of calmness. I look forward to working out and I am eating MUCH healthier. I want to learn new exercises and push my body to it's fullest potential I know it can do.

Secondly, I seen MA for lunch. It was a nice visit. A little awkward at first since it has been a while since I seen him. I didn't give him my letter I wrote him. What would be the point? Right?

Third, I went to my first new DBT group, because I was kicked out of my Thursday group. I HATE TUESDAY GROUP!!!!!! Think 12 women, most 65-80, one in a walker, the other 300 pounds of spunk and the other that doesn't know what she is doing, and NONE OF THEM HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON WITH ME! Only 1 younger person, 48. I am the youngest. Not even my man therapist was there. This is a strictly a women's group, no men allowed. Men are, to me, talked in a negative light. I MISS MY OLD GROUP, MY OLD FRIENDS!!!! But I am forced to be in this group, plus, if I want to see MA, legally, without getting any of us in trouble, it has to be this way.

Over and all, I love my new attitude on life. I love my new body. I lost 53 pounds and have so much energy and am light on my feet. I take a walk too, (weather permitting) after everything I eat, to help digest things along and that works too. My head is clear! I sleep sounder and here's the real benefit...... I am not really depressed!!! I take things MUCH better and very Wiseminded. I think better and therefore, I respond better. I AM BETTER!!!!

Until then my Dear Readers....

Splendor of a New Day!

Today, I haven't been feeling good. I slept most of the day. I felt like I was in some coma or something. I just couldn't move or wake up. To be honest, I felt what it would feel like to be drugged!!! Scary, that amount of lethargy. I am coughing and sneezing again. Why do I keep getting sick? I work out, I eat right. Maybe not as much as I should but I eat more than I did. I am eating nuts like Brazil Nuts, Walnuts and Almonds in place of meat. I eat more veggies and fruit. I don't get it?

Anyway, the Splendor of a new day is about Daughter #1. We talked today and it was a GREAT conversation. I hope I am not making more out of it and getting my hopes up, but she was so nice to me and I seen love in her eyes and my heart opened up. I wanted to reach out and hug her. (I don't want to get her sick though) I miss her so much! I hope in the summer, I can pick her up and take her to a movie. I want a relationship with my girl and today, was the FIRST day in a LONG LONG time that I felt hopeful. She even made Lizzie a cute Penguwin picture. She is an amazing drawer and she did wonderful on this picture. Lizzie was so happy, she was showing everyone the picture and bragging her sister drew it.

Lord, let this be a turning point. Yes, the Splendor of a New Day in many ways!

The Splendor of Learning From Disappointment

This is a metaphor, my lesson. I go to buy a book on handling disappointment and when it arrives in the box, I open it to see that it's empty. A learning lesson? Yes, this is how I handle daily disappointments and how no one can help me, but myself.

I exercise, and walk to pick the kids up from school, I lift weights, and I eat healthy good stuff. I notice a huge difference in handleing my disappointments are better. Although they still sting and hurt, the pain hurts less. I am growing a maturing. Being the LAST cousin to know what my cousin is having (a girl) hurt. It means I am not close or  considered important enough, especialy since she contacted 3 of my other cousins first privately. That is fine. I can handle it. That baby is a special baby and will be blessed with love and gifts from 2nd cousin me :-) I WILL turn the other cheek.

Dealing with daughter #1, I feel disappoinment that I can't enjoy movies with her, our private jokes and going to McDonald's even for a shake or cone. All gone. No  more fun and I miss her. I must deal with disappointment properly. I have a wonderful book by Melody Beattie that has been a life savor. I read and write in the book and I learn so much on how to cope. I AM COPING!!!!!

The Splendor of Being Risen Again!!!!

I'm BAAACK!!! OK, this is the scoop! I REMOVED the damaging stuff and pictures. No more personal pictures will be placed on my blog. No more cutting (which I have overcome and am proud of it). If I happened to feel suicidal, I will call the 1-800-number and/or call my therapist. If I write about it, it doesn't mean I am going to kill myself, unless it says, "I'm going to kill myself" and I can tell you, my dear readers I WILL NOT KILL MYSELF!!!!

First of all, this is an ANONYMOUS BLOG, and some people, hacked into my blog and then reported me. They thought they were helping, but really, it was a ploy to get certain things from me, almost like extortion. I can talk about this now, because my CPS case is CLOSED!!! I also looked into my rights and whether I have to REALLY delete my awesome blog and NO, I DO NOT!!!! I have legal rights, People!!! FREEDOM OF SPEECH REALLY DOES EXIST!!!!

Although, I posted scary pictures of my cutting, that will not be done again. Even though it IS freedom of speech, I will not post such pictures. The fact that this is an anonymous blog, I should have known better. But some people are truly wolves in sheeps clothing and prey on people who are going through tough times to get what they want. Some people are cohorced into doing things against their own loved ones because someone else said to do it. I know I have an enemy in D#1's BF. But, I am FORGIVING HIM. Because it takes a real person to forgive, and you obtain freedom from the chains of anger. It ties you down. Hatred is like burning your own house down to get rid of the rat. I will not do that. I will be the stronger person and I will forgive. If my daughter wants to come back home, she is welcome to. If she wants to visit, with her boyfriend or fiance, she can. Doors are ALWAYS open, even though I signed guardian papers to some one else. She WILL ALWAYS BE MY DAUGHTER, and that is why I am paying her once of month until she is 18. After she is 18, and if she needs help, I will NOT turn my back on her.

Right now, I am getting a pretty raw deal. I am being disrespected and hurt. But you don't see this woman cutting or burying my head. I went and ASKED people about my rights. I love blogging. The last month without blogging was painful. But I got a lot of soul searching and exercising in. I now weigh in at 137.9 (from doctor's office) I am VERY proud of my active lifestyle and even banning 4 hoved foods. I will eat fish and chicken or turkey but if it got 4 legs, I don't eat it. I feel 100% better because of it. Maybe I will venture out into being a true 100% vegan, but baby steps, remember.

I haven't been going on FB as much either. I know I have to update a lot of people on the good news. I am also standing up for myself.

I know I was a GOOD MOTHER!!! Maybe she wants to just remember the bad times and in every family, there are bad times, but I choose to remember the good times. She may be angry  now and I will validate that. I may not have any rights to her and can't see her, but in my heart I see her and how it used to be.

I done the best I can for her and all my children. I sacrificed a lot, and drove them, all of them around, and done things no respecting parent would allow to go on in this house. I want to thank my daughter and her BF/fiance!!! Because they laid the ground rules for the other 3 children. I am watching the warning signs, I am being stricter, and I learned a new word. OMG!!! Wanna hear it? It's short! it's called NO!!!!! Yeah, they all may get upset with me for saying no to them now, but they aren't as mad as I THOUGHT they'd be. I got a better handle on my children. What a lesson my oldest daughter and her lovely BF/Fiance have given me. I needed a good swift kick in the ass to get my head on right. I love my kids. They will not be taken away from me. They are staying home with me, where they have unconditional love, shelter, food, clothes, and all the freedoms proper children THEIR AGE get. If they don't like it, they can always go the route of daughter #1. But each expressed they didn't want to end up like that, that they would miss me. I wish my daughter #1 would miss me, but in time, when she grows up to get married and have her own children and then she will know what it's like to raise children and how hurt you'd become when you are disrespected after all you've done for them. But that is OK, because each is a life lesson.

So, I will leave you with this, and a positive GOOD NIGHT!!! I am BACK on my blog. I love my blog and you will all know the happenings here and how I handle them. You will be happy and elated to know, to know I am handling my life in a mature, adult way. I grew up! It feels good to be 39 years old. Not scary at all.
Until then......
Anya

Sadly, this MUST be my last blog!!!!!!!

I am forced to shut down my blog because CPS was called and paid me a visit today. My freedom of speech doesn't exist when you have children. My children come first so this blog is now in the process of being shut down. I am going to the store to pick up a flash drive so I can keep some of my best work. I also want to say that cutting is irresponsible and wrong and that I will NEVER attempt suicide. I promised the CPS worker that I will try my best to NEVER cut again. I want my children to always be with me. I love my children more than I love myself. THEY COME FIRST. So, if I feel the need to cut, I will call the CMH 1-800 number. I realize that I am being watched under a microscope and am being critiqued. That includes "sex talk or sex toys" in which I got in trouble for that as well. So I can't discuss sex or sex toys.

So this is an official apology if I offended anyone. I guess I wanted to be validated and I can't write about these kinds of personal things anyway. I am officially SHUT DOWN!!!!!
Some things, like children are MORE IMPORTANT than my own needs. Thank you for reading this and again, I apologize if I offended or upset anyone. I care about you!

Splendor of a Depressed Woman

You may want to know what is so splendorful about being depressed? It certainly is not magnificent, or brilliant, or grand. However, overcoming depression, from being so low is magnificent, brilliant and grand. I am sensing a pattern here. Bipolar 2!!! My Shrink DOES NOT see this. Still says that I have PTSD, with Anxiety and Unipolar. I don't want to doubt my shrink who went to school years and years for this, but I have to tell you, I think he is overworked and overwelmed by so many patients. He sees me for maybe 3-5 minutes, charges my insurance or the state $120 bucks and he doesn't know the real me. I have patterns. I have triggers that tell me how my day is going to go.

If people talk to me, and want to go out to the movies, or coffee or dinner. I am going to have a happy day. If people give me positive reenforcement, I have a good day. If I feel and I use the term loosely "loved and validated" I am going to have a good day. Now, if I am ignored, treated poorly and stressed, missing someone, or many people, not feeling "loved or validated" I have depressed days. So what does that makes me? A people sponge? I can't make myself happy? Is that what is really going on. I must be Psychosocial. I know the song by Slipknot and I love it, but it really is a disorder. I looked on *Wikipedia.

*For a concept to be psychosocial means it relates to one's psychological development in, and interaction with, a social environment. The individual needs not be fully aware of this relationship with his or her environment. It was first commonly used by psychologist Erik Erikson in his stages of social development. Contrasted with social psychology, which attempts to explain social patterns within the individual. It is usually used in the context of "psychosocial intervention," which is commonly used alongside psycho-educational or psycho-pharmacological interventions and points toward solutions for individual challenges in interacting with an element of the social environment.
Problems that occur in one's psychosocial functioning can be referred to as "psychosocial dysfunction" or "psychosocial morbidity." This refers to the lack of development or atrophy of the psychosocial self, often occurring alongside other dysfunctions that may be physical, emotional, or cognitive in nature.
Psychosocial support is an approach to victims of disaster, catastrophe or violence to foster resilience of communities and individuals. It aims at easing resumption of normal life, facilitate affected people participation to their convalescence and preventing pathological consequences of potentially traumatic situations.* Taken from Wikipedia

So, what I am saying is that if my environment is going good and positive, I am having a good day. If it's bad and no one is paying me any attention, it's going to be a bad day. I am Psychosocial!!!! Now, if I can just bring this up with the Shrink, maybe we can get somewhere. But, they have labels for everything. I am a Shopaholic, a Cutaholic, Ambienaholic, Exercisaholic, oh, what else am I? I can't think of anything more tonight. I am sure there are plenty more I can come up with. Painaholic? I inflict pain on myself just to feel alive and motivate me. However, I WANT TO MAKE THIS CLEAR!!! I DO NOT WANT TO KILL MYSELF OR OTHERS!!!! Just because I cut and like to inflict pain on myself doesn't mean I want to die!!! I heard a term "Parasuicidal" today at DBT and it offended me. I DO NOT cut for attention. I DO NOT post my pictures on my blog for attention. This blog, is ME!!! It's the real me under an anonymous name. It means I can write ANYTHING I want, and I can rip my heart out, let my feelings be known WITHOUT repercussions. So, I am still pissed about the police coming to my house, with the big flood light on my house, flashlight in my youngest daughter's face and then in mine, then me getting lead into the back of the police car so I can show my arms to the cops, and asked lots of questions. I realize most people don't understand cutting and the significence of it. But to me, it's a form of relieving myself of poison, the poison of the stress and depression and dis-ease I feel and can't cope with. It's a way to feel alive, the pain lets me know I am alive and I'm ridding myself of all that is negative. The big X on me was a symbol of being X'd out by my oldest daughter, being a nobody in my mind, sorta like a scarlet letter. I am working on this. But I will NOT post anymore pictures on my blog. I have to censor myself because of what happened. I can't be real. But maybe that is for the better as some people can't handle me. When I cut, I will take the pictures on my phone and keep them there.

Well, before I sign off, I want to say that I miss a special friend of mine. Please get better so I can see you soon.
Anya

A Letter In Song.....

A friend of mine has done this on their blog before, wrote a letter or blog, using only song lyrics. I thought it was interesting and this is my FIRST attempt at doing this. It's a letter in response to having the cops called on me yesterday. Thank you very much!!!

Hello there, The angel from my nightmare,

Hey, Mr. Know It All, Well ya think you know it all, but ya don't know a thing at all. When somebody tells you something 'bout you. Think that they know you more than you do. So you take it down another pill to swallow. Cause Baby you don't know a thing about me, you don't know a thing about me! Maybe I'm misunderstood, maybe you're not seeing, the side of me you should.... Maybe I'm crazy? Maybe I've just had enough? Maybe it's time to change?

Everybody's talkin', but they don't say a thing. They look at me with sad eyes but I don't want their sympathy. Why'd you have to go and make a mess like that? Have you ever been low? Have you ever had a friend that let you down so? Cause what you did was low. I forgive you, I forgive me. Now when do I start to feel again? I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well.

Oh I, had a lot to say. Cuz everything inside, it never comes out right. I'm sorry I'm bad. I can't take it back. You get older and blame turns to shame. My eyes are open wide, and by the way, I made it through the day. I've done the best I can. I'm not angry, I'm just saying.....Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.

And, I don't know, this could break my heart or save me? Nothings real, until you let go completely. So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving. So here I go with all my fears weighing on me. Picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers. But I know, it's never really over. At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me. Can I open my eyes? Is this as hard as it gets? Is this what it feels like to really CRY? I told you everything, opened up and let you in. You made me feel alright, for once in my life. Now all that's left of me, is what I pretend to be, so together but broken up inside. You think you got the best of me? Think you had the last laugh? Baby, you don't know me cause you're dead wrong! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But there's a side to you that I never knew, all the things you'd say, they were never true.

Have you ever been hated or discriminated against, I have. Emotions run deep as ocean's explodin', tempers flaring, just blow 'em off, and keep goin' not takin nothin' from no one, give 'em hell long as I'm breathin', keep kicking ass in the mornin' and takin' names in the evening. Leave 'em with a taste as sour as vinager in they mouth, see they can trigger me but they'll never figure me out. But tonight, I'm cleanin' out my closet. I got some skeletons in my closet and I don't know if no one knows it, so before they throw me inside my coffin and close it, I'ma expose it. I'll take you back to '73. I maybe made some mistakes but I'm only human, but I'm enough to face them today. What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb.

Let me put it to you this way, how is was. Sneakin' in her room when her momma's knocked out. Tryin' to have his way and little (Anya) says ouch. She tries to resist but then all he does is beat her. She tries to tell her mom but her momma don't believe her. (Anya's) stuck up in a world on her own. Forced to think that Hell is a place called home. Nothin' else to do but get some clothes and pack. She says she's 'bout to run away and never come back. Yells and abuses, leaves her with some bruises, Teachers ask questions, she's makin' up excuses. Bleedin' on the inside, cryin' on the out. It's only one girl who really knows what she's about.

Yes I think I'm okay. I walked into the door again. If you ask that's what I'll say. And it's not your business anyway. I guess I'd like to be alone. With nothing broken, nothing thrown. Just don't ask me what it was. You just don't argue anymore. Just don't ask me how I am. Little girl hiding underneath the bed. Was it something I did? Must be something I said? I leave the light on. 17 and I'm all messed up inside. I cut myself just to feel alive. 21 on the run from myself, and everyone. I don't know what to do? Can the damage be undone? I swore to God that I'd never be what I've become. I'm gonna bathe myself in a wishin' well. Pretty scars from cigarettes, I never will forget. I'm still afraid to be alone. Wish that moon would follow me home. So I leave the light on. I ain't that bad, I'm just messed up. I ain't that sad, but I'm sad enough.

They cry in dark, so you can't see their tears. They hide in the light, so you can't see their fears. Forgive and forget, all the while love and pain become one and the same. In the eyes of a wounded child, you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
Because--hell, hell is for children! So maybe now you see why I have become what I didn't want to admit.

I let the phone ring, why won't you believe me. I wait for silence, takes a lot not to answer. But the war is over. This is not my surrender. I'm not running for cover now. Could you go where people can see, someone like me? Could you do that? If you're hating me, do it honestly.

There's a place that I know. It's not pretty there and few have ever gone. If I show it to you now, will it make you run away? Everybody's got a dark side. Hear me, I'm cryin' out, I'm ready now. Find me, I'm lost inside the crowd. It's getting loud, I need you to see, I'm screaming for you to please hear me! I'm restless and wild, I fall, but I try. I need someone to understand. Can you hear me? I'm lost in my thoughts. And baby I've fought, for all that I've got. Can you hear me?

How many times do I have to try to tell you. That I'm sorry for the things I've done. Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut? Some things are better left unsaid. But they still turn me inside out. This is the book I never read. These are the words I never said. This is the fear. This is the dread. These are the contents of my head. And this is what they represent. And this is how I feel. Do you know how I feel ? 'Cause I don't think you know how I feel. I don't think you know what I feel. You don't know what I feel.

So, I'm already gone!!!

Anya
*

I miss you- Blink 182, Mr Know It All-Kelly Clarkson, Maybe-Sick Puppies, I Forgive you-Kelly Clarkson, Never Again-Kelly Clarkson, Low-Kelly Clarkson, Second Chance-Shinedown, Sober-Kelly Clarkson, Cry-Kelly Clarkson, Behind These Hazel Eyes-Kelly Clarkson, Stronger: What Doesn't Kill You-Kelly Clarkson, Cleanin' Out My Closet-Eminem, Runaway Love-Ludacris, Luka-Suzanne Vega, Leave The Light On- Beth Hart, Hell Is For Children-Pat Benatar, War Is Over-Kelly Clarkson, Honestly-Kelly Clarkson, Dark Side-Kelly Clarkson, Hear Me-Kelly Clarkson, Why-Annie Lennox, Already Gone-Kelly Clarkson, Sorry-Buckcherry, Set Fire To The Rain-Adele

Maybe......

I "can stick the money up (my) ass"
I am out of their lives!
I am to act like I don't know them
What happens now?
I did all I can!
I can't reach her!
Is she OK?
I cut again........
It felt good to bleed.
Maybe it's time to change?
I cried hearing this song.......

MAYBE

Maybe I'm a dreamer
Maybe I'm misunderstood
Maybe you're not seeing
The side of me you should

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe I'm the only one
Maybe I'm just out of touch
Maybe I've just had enough

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for

'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

Maybe it's hopeless
Maybe I should just give up
And what if I can't trust myself
What if I just need some help

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for

'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for

'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

Sunny Sunsational Sunburst Sunglow Sunday!!!

Today, on this Sunday afternoon, I am feeling good, I am feeling happy, I am feeling more energetic. I vacuumed the house, done the laundry, took the kids to church, and am now watching "Grow Up Timmy Turner" with my youngest daughter. She is SO happy to be sitting next to me, as I am watching TV. (and blogging lol..come on it's Fairly Oddparents in Live Action with Drake Bell) She is just happy to be sitting next to me.

Later I plan on getting an awesome workout done and I can then blow my diet eating goodies watching the Oscars tonight with the kids. They are so excited! It's like the Superbowl for us girls in the house :-) Now I am watching "Fred The Show: Babysitter" lol  All 3 of my kids are down here, eating candy and having a good time.


I've been writing this blog for over an hour, cause I am watching TV, while trying to blog. I guess I don't have anything epic to say. I guess I am just updating this blog after my temporary lapse of insanity off of Dr. Brown's scientific article on love. I must have been crazy? I am feeling good right now and I feeling confident I am not in love with anyone but my children. OK, this is what I tell myself when I am in denial and trying to cope with unexpected emotions I am uncomfortable with. I am sure that I was just caught up in Dr. Brown's logic, and how he was making sense for all the other suckers in this world.

I need to stop reading about love, and I'll be OK. I need to maintain composure and take one day at a time like I been planning. Stick with the plan!

AWWWW!!! Today IS a good day :-)  * Adam Lambert covering Cryin by Aerosmith :-)

*I do not own the rights to this song.

Closer To The Meaning Of Love?????

I opened my email this morning and I got an article on "How Do You Know You're In Love?" from yourtango.com and I am like, "oh goody, maybe I can get a better idea of what "love" feels like or is supposed to feel like. Here, it's a quick read and it answers 95% of my questions...THAT.................

Scientists highlight the mental and physical clues that tell us we're in love.

Your heart beats faster. You can hear your blood pulsing in your veins. Every time he even looks at you, you feel a burst of energy. Could it be? Are you in love?
That our bodies send us signals that tell us "this guy could be a keeper," is no big surprise. But how does this work exactly? Is it something we do subconsciously? Do our brains and bodies really tell us when we're in love? We asked a couple scientists to sound in—here they've given us five physical signs you're in love:


1. You Catch Yourself Staring
"What's that song…'it's in his eyes'?" asks Dr. Lucy Brown, neuroscientist and professor at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine. "I don't think that's the title, but that's what it should be." Dr. Brown, who has studied neural basis of emotion, says the eyes are what matters most. When you're in love, you involuntarily cannot keep your eyes off of the object of your affection. Humans naturally find eye contact rewarding. Not only that, but we're physically compelled to pursue eye contact with our romantic interests.
"One of the involuntary manifestations of being in love is 'mooning around' the person, having your eyes constantly fixed on a person," says Dr. Brown. 10 Signs He's Smitten


Anya says "Yeah, I'm guilty of this. I stare at him all the time. He's beautiful, I mean, he looks perfect to me, he smells perfect to me and never wears cologne, I could stare at him all day, and his eyes are stunning. I catch myself starring way too much and he notices too, kinda calls me out on in by starring back but he does it to make me feel uncomfortable, I think, by mirroring me. I could be wrong here, but I think that is it"


2. You Feel High
When you realize you've been hyperactively talking about your new beau, you might think you've had too much caffeine. It's actually a different drug.
"Being in love is like being high on cocaine," according to Dr. Brown. Many of the physical symptoms are the same: increased energy, increased heart rate and blood pressure (especially when you see the person), and the inability to sleep or eat are just a few. Feelings of euphoria also appear with cocaine use, as they do when in love. These symptoms occur because, while the brain produces dopamine on its own, it produces even more when in love. The brain also produces more of the chemical norepinephrine when we're in love, speeding up the heart when we're nervous, as we might be upon seeing our beloved.


Anya says "Wow, Again, these scientists have me pegged!!! But is he my cocaine? He feels like a drug to me. I got all the signs above. I must be doomed or VERY addicted to him. Either way, it's the start of my demise. I can see it now in the newpaper headline " Local Area Woman Dies From Overdose From Love Chemical Addiction Dopamine from Local Area Man." Subtitle "Be careful when approaching him because of his charm, sexual energy and extreme good looks. He may not be armed with an "actual" gun but he's dangerous" LOL


3. You Can't Keep Your Hands Off Each OtherYou won't just be seeking your beau visually. Just as you hunt down food when hungry, you'll actively engage in proximity-seeking behavior when you're in love. This explains why grade-school flirtation often involves pushing or hair-pulling. When in love, we can't resist the urge touch our beloved (luckily, we learn how to do this in more polite and pleasing manners later in life).
Dr. Bianca Acevedo, Visiting Scientist at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, says when we're in love, our bodies will subconsciously lean toward each other, a physical manifestation of the brain's desire for emotional closeness. Have you caught yourself wiggling closer to your lover?


Anya says" Yes, I have, although I haven't had the urge to push or pull his hair. LOL OK, you got me, I want to be next to him, so close, almost like being inside him. I sit closer to him, I want to touch him, hold his hand, touch his face. I just want to cuddle close to him and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like he's a special comfy blanket of all the right DNA, Cells and Chemicals.


4. You Can't Stop Thinking About Him...
With the increased dopamine levels of romantic love, people think about their romantic interests, on average, 85 percent of the day. This is known as "intrusive thinking."
According to Dr. Brown, "In the early stages of romantic love, most people can't stop thinking about their beloved. The other person becomes an obsession," and will occupy their thoughts for what may seem like an extreme amount of time. But it's really quite normal. In fact, Brown says "If it is less than 40 percent, then it is not really intense romantic love." The level of obsession, while normal if in love, is often compared to that of obsessive-compulsive disorder. When patients undergo treatment for OCD, they're provided with serotonin reuptake inhibitors to ease their obsessions. Because of this, scientists figure that the decrease in the brain's normal serotonin levels causes similar behaviors when in love.


Anya Says " Well then, maybe I need to increase my serotonin cause I think of him ALL THE TIME!!! So now I have OCDMA???? Well he's being very intrusive! But I am guilty of liking it. I like thinking about him. He makes me happy and I can cope better with day to day stresses and he motivates me. So, it's a good thing (I think) It's nice to see that I am 100% NORMAL!!!!!!


4. ...And Only HimAccording to Dr. Brown, when we seek a mate with romantic love in mind, we'd prefer the relationship to be long-lasting. This means we have strong feelings of romantic love for just one person. Conversely, feelings of lust are less about a specific person than they are for sex itself. When it comes to lust, the preferred relationship could be significantly shorter.
According to a 2002 study in which Brown participated ("Defining the Brain Systems of Lust, Romantic Attraction, and Attachment," published in Archives of Sexual Behavior), if a person is really "in love" with his or her partner, desire for emotional union will take precedence over desire for sex. The study also concluded that we seek sexual exclusivity with this one person because we innately hope for uninterrupted courtship and reproduction.
"Love is a survival system, like being hungry or being thirsty," Dr. Brown says. Our bodies seek love (with the goal of reproducing) just as they seek out food or water. Therefore, love for one person is more like a reflex. 15 Signs You're Meant To Be


Anya says " OK, I am NOT interested in reproducing. Although secretly, and with shame and guilt, I have BRIEFLY thought that if we had procreated say, if I met him in the "past" past, we'd have an amazing looking, talented kid. But that is just stupid girl thinking. I get what this Dr. Brown is saying. I would say that I am 35/65 percent into Lust/Love if this man is correct. I, 40 % want to experience a sexual bonding with him, whereas, 65%  of the time, I am happy to just cuddle and rub each others arm or leg or back. I could fall asleep in his arms. But, what I don't agree about with Dr. Brown, is that if you want to have sex with someone, it's lust and if you don't it's love. If I read that correctly? Isn't it kinda both at once, should it be 50/50? I don't know, but he's on to something and I'm guilty.


Writer's Note: While people won't die without love, as they would without food or water, Dr. Brown says studies have shown that people in relationships live longer; they also tend to be healthier and have a greater sense of well-being. The love of friends and family is also important and can even occasionally substitute for romantic love. However, the kind of love we seek depends very much on our hormonal status, what our bodies need at a certain moment in time.


Anya Says  I say this Dr. Brown is a genious. I also believe that people have "hormonal" I call chemical combinations that attract the other person to them, almost what each is lacking the other has and the chemical compatibility is stronger, like a atom or correct DNA coming together in a human body (NOT sexually speaking) People are made for certain people I think and when it's done right, and not just for lust, it has the opportunity to last. BUT, outside influences also ruin that chemical make-up, changing it and therefore crashing the DNA combind strands and the whole thing comes crashing down. Which sucks!!!

But Remember, It Doesn't Last Forever
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), the heightened emotions and general euphoria brought on by romantic love eventually fade.
"You can't keep it up forever or you'll never get anything done!" laughs Dr. Brown. "It's too intense to last. Even the most intense romantic love doesn't last more than six months." But don't worry. As feelings of intense romantic love wane, feelings of attachment develop and that's what keeps people together for the long run.
"You can have just 'attachment' but it's better for the couple if there's romantic love at the start. People stay together because they remember the warm, positive feelings of having that original, romantic love." This way, a couple won't just "stay together for the kids"; they will stay together for each other. That attachment is then transferred to their offspring. So love itself doesn't necessarily diminish. It just evolves.

Anya Says "OK, this is VERY true. STBE and I had LUST, I mean, sex from the start of knowing him. It was crazy, it was all we did, we were bound to get pregnant at the rate we were going. With the relationship I am currently speaking of, there is no sex, just cuddling and closeness (at least on my part) that is 100% different than with STBE. Maybe that is a good thing or bad thing? I am not living in a fairie tale world and I know that feelings wane down, but I am not one to roam either. But I am not even looking to settle down with somebody. I just fell for my closest friend. I think that is what will keep this friendship together for as long as he allows it. I'm not going anywhere. If by chance we ever got intimate, I am strong enough to still remain friends even if it stopped. If what this Dr Brown says is true, than I already developed some sort of attachment to this guy. Brown calls it love, I am still on the fence but definately swaying towards Browns side. He makes sense and I can't mess with science.

Despite all the signs and science, though, if you're in love, you're in love. Even Dr. Brown agrees: "You know when it happens."

THAT.................. I GOT IT BAD!!!!! :-(
Thank you YourTango.com for taking me from the dark into the light... I HATE YOU!!!! My innocence is ruined! grrrrrr!!!!

He's Hiding From Me Again!

Don't ask how I know these things, but I just do. MA is hiding from me again! I obviously done something to offend him. I seem to offend people close to me by being either overly nice, too cuddly, too needy or just annoyingly flaky. Which ever, probably all three, overly offended him, I am so sorry. I missed him at group today. But I hope he's feeling better. I worry about him. Why? I don't know? I just worry about the people I care about.

He visited a place a few days ago that I think is helping him cope with some of the issues he's been dealing with. I wish it was me that was doing that for him, but I understand he needed to not know them.  Since this is my personal blog, I can let my feelings flow freely. I can't help but feel just a tad bit jealous. Again, this is not a reasonable reaction. I am trying to understand and work through these feelings when they come up. I swear, I could write a soap opera or drama or even a sitcom with my life. HMMM... maybe I should?

Anyway, I had a good day. Nothing too crazy happened. No D#1 drama, and STBE was a little pissy with me. (What else is new? I call him Mr Crabs in my mind) I just basically spent 3 hours making a list of all my favorite Kelly Clarkson Live Performances and another CD of Various Artists Live Performances and I can't wait to use them as a relaxation tool. I am making a third right now.

I worked out awesome today. But I can't wait until my Rebounder Trampoline comes. It's due to arrive on Monday. Back to jogging full force again and my knees will be thankful. But I sweat like a PIG doing these exercises I am doing right now. A mixture of dance, pilates, Bikram Yoga, Ashtanga Yoga, Floor Exercises for Abs, legs and thighs/butt and Weight Training. I may start the Brazillion Butt Lift DVD? But it's really hard. I also did some Tai Chi I learned from my ex in TN. I am really feeling the strength and my clear mind. Better days, less depressed. I see the shrink on Monday, maybe he can drop my Lexapro to 10 mg's so I can have orgasms? I think this is why I haven't had one in MONTHS!!! I am surprised bats and cobwebs don't come out of my coochie-coo!!!!!

I also need to talk to MA about something that is bothering me again in the back of my mind. I think we are both hiding from each other. I need to ask a favor of him. I already know the answer, it will be NO, but it can't hurt asking. I might get a surprize!!! It's a big step on his part and his retreat is coming up, he will have time to think about it and reflect. I already asked if he'd go to a Kelly Clarkson Concert. (I'd die to go, she's the BEST!!!!!!) He said NO, so it was no biggie. Anyway, I need to talk to him.
I love you my fellow bloggers. My Ambien ladden brain is full of love and is telling me to get off this blog/PC before I reveal too many secrets. SHHHH!!!!!

If I had You LIVE on OPRAH! I don't own any rights to this song!
Me Sleepy. Baby, if I had you, you'd be spoiled and never having to want again. Your body would be content and relaxed and knowing you don't have to worry about me leaving you. I could never! That is Secret #1....closing out!

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly!

I think I had a good birthday. It started out good, then went bad quickly, got better then ended ugly!

The kids got me a Superman (women) shirt and new yoga pants, they picked out but STBE bought, which was a good thing and very nice of him. Then, I got sad when I didn't hear from D#1, not a phone call, or no hug when I picked the other 3 up after school, you'd think she would at least come talk to me. She FINALLY FB'd me later in the evening just a "happy birthday" No Happy Birthday, Mom, or no :-) face either.

Then, it went good again, because I saw MA and we went shopping for workout shoes and out to a nice dinner, and I talked him into watching a movie at his house and cuddling. I like the cuddling. I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed that we didn't kiss or anything. I know, we are friends, but I just needed someone to touch and well, he booted me out of the house so fast after the movie and we didn't even hug goodbye like we always do. In our defense, we were both really tired. He only had a couple hours of sleep. Me, I did as well, but unlike him, I can go like the Energizer Bunny, which can have it's good and bad moments, and last night it was a bad moment. I call it an ugly moment.

Anyway, here's a song that makes me think of the situation and I LOVE LOVE LOVE Kelly Clarkson.

*Kelly Clarkson's cover of a Bonnie Raitt classic. NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED!!! I do not own any rights to this.

When A Child Feels Dead To You!

She's here, but she seems dead, at least inside. I wish I could copy and paste our conversation, but I will not give away our identities. D#1 has now resorted to extortion to get money from me. Over the weekend, I gave her money to burn 4 workout CD's for me. I paid her, I wanted her to have money on her, and let her feel useful while getting it. Something I wish I could do receiving mine. She said that the $25 wasn't enough, she wants more. Anyway, I told her that I'd like her to come over after school a couple times a week, and I'll drive her back, maybe we could go have dinner or coffee and catch up. I told her I could pay her $30 a week plus all her toiletries and personals. It's all I can afford now. Her response was that she will NOT be working here for me and that it's my responsibility to provide for her, which means, I'm providing for BF too. I even sent her a care package that day and made another one for her so her sister can give to her at school tomorrow. I promised her this and my word is gold. I am not going to not give it to her. I took a lot of time putting it together.

Now D#1 is saying that she was abused all her life and that BF finally is showing her what true love is. That her Dad, my parents and I all abused her and that if she has to sue us ALL to get money, she will do it. She has resorted to calling her Dad and I by our first names too. I am so brokenhearted. I feel like cutting again. I had that taste a couple weeks back after MONTHS from not cutting and I just want to cut, feel the blood drain out, it's so relaxing and the pain although at first is intense, it actually covers the mental pain and anguish I feel and it feels like it's draining the poison from my body, and I suck it out, the blood sometimes, and I know that is twisted, my blood tastes sweet, like some posion. I know it's an addiction and I know that they have AA, and OA. I wish they had CA for Cutters Anonymous.

Daughter is really breaking my heart. She feels like she died, but instead, she is walking the Earth, tormenting me. Cause she is here and I can't see her or have it be like it used to be. No more laughing and joking around, or comic relief. I am just sad. It will not be a good birthday tomorrow. Well, except for my one ray of shining light. MA!!! Don't get me wrong, my other 3 children will make it special, they are here, loving me, they didn't run away to be with their partners, thank God they don't have any yet, as I know of. But, I will be with MA tomorrow, and I am looking forward to it. If I had it my way, if I blow any candles this year, my wish is he would be my gift. Well, in a way, he is. Being his friend, is the best gift in the world. But if I had one wish, I'd be unwrapping him... LOL Well, I can't be greedy, he's my friend and my life would suck without him.

Well, I better try to get some rest. I need to get up early to take the youngins to school and workout. Oh, my rebounder I use to jog broke today. I had it 5 years and it got a good long workout and fulfilled it's purpose. I have another on order. This one is better and has all the bells and whistles so to speak. It's got a total body workout on it and DVD's, resistance bands, AB bar and pull up bar. I can do Pilates on it and well, it has a 4 year warrenty not to break. I will make full use of it,and if it breaks, it's fully 100% replaceable. I aim for long lean muscle and strength and tone and HEALTH!!! Plus, I can jog hard in place for over an hour a day :-) I can't wait till it comes.

Good night my fellow bloggers and I send my love to each of you, especially one special friend in particular.

A Nice Visit & Birth Day Week

This week marks the anniversary of the day I was born. I am trying to embrace this time, even though I developed a fear of birthdays 9 years ago. When I turned 30, I went into a deep depression about leaving my 20's. Ever since then, I try to downplay my birthdays. But this year, as I turn 39, I will contemplate a new decade I will begin a year from now.

My parents came out from Detroit to spend time with me and the kids for my birthday. We celebrated by going to a nice Mexican Restuarant and we watched a lot of movies on DVD, and I have been recovering from Strep Throat. I am finally recovering from Strep and I got my energy back. Today, I worked out 2 hours. I really needed that workout. I feel wonderful and I am thinking that the closer to 40 I get, it may not be that bad. I am going to be starting my life over. I have a new freind in my life. I think I can do this.

Speaking of friend, I will be going to dinner and shopping with MA on my birthday this Tuesday. I am really looking forward to this. He is such a blessing in my life. Even though he is not ready for a relationship beyond what it is now, I still hope one day he will change his mind. But I think right now, he just doesn't want to be a rebound, and I am just getting out of a marriage that was mentally abusive and that maybe he thinks my head isn't in it's right place. Plus, he is getting his life in order as well. But, I will stick by his side, and wait it out. I know he doesn't want to get hurt and I know I don't either.

I contemplate him and all my relationships that are in my life right now. My parents, my children, my STBE, MA, God and especially myself. I still crave affection and companionaship and I will wait until the time is right and when it is, I will know.

So, here is a *song that I have been playing today, that has gotten me through the day.  It's by Adam Lambert and it's important to everyone in my life. Because in a way, each of the named people above know me better than I know myself. So, maybe it's time I start knowing myself better? I have purchased some important books on life and healing whats left of it and I know that I will be OK. I have the skills and the friends.
*Better Than I Know Myself is by Adam Lambert and I DO NOT own any part of this song.

WHO CAN I TRUST???????????

Today, was a hard day. Daughter #1 came over for some money, in exchange for working for me, by making workout CD's, or yard work in the future, or cleaning. Just so she can have some money on her. She didn't stay long, she said hello and goodbye to my parents. Soon To Be Ex was NOT happy about it. It was the start of him being angry at me.

We went to church, I made breakfast for dinner, everyone was happy. Then I worked out as we watched movies Drive and The Help, and Real Steel. I got on the computer, and nobody told me (STBE=Soon To Be Ex) never told me he was downloading a movie and burning it to disc. I disconnected the laptop and he FLIPPED OUT!!!!! My Dad didn't like the way he was talking to me. STBE slammed the french doors and I begged my Dad not to go after him. The freaking drama. We have poor communication in this house. Nobody talks to anybody in this house.....kids don't do it, STBE don't do it. It seems I tell everyone way too much, even when I am about to sit on the Porcelain Throne. I talk too much!!! No one appreciates me and I feel defeated. Maybe I should stop communicating too? That's not me though. I can't be vindictive, or mean, nor can I be disrespectful. I am feeling so sad right now, and defeated. I don't like being talked to in angry tones, like I am stupid, or always doing something wrong, or always being the object of people's anger. Maybe I make people feel full of rage? Maybe I AM just stupid? I can't take this mental abuse. I am sick of this feeling, so worthless, so sad, so depressed. I worked out good today, because I need to burn off all this pent up energy. I need some relief. I need someone I can trust. I am not trusting anybody right now. Who can I trust?

WHO CAN I TRUST?  I need a tangible person to trust in. I need someone I can rely on, even if for only half the time. I feel like cutting again, but I am being strong. I haven't cut since 8 days ago. The wound I inflicted on myself, is still oozing. I am on antibiotics for Strep, so I assume that my wound isn't infected, just oozing.

WHO CAN I TRUST? When I can't even trust myself!

WHO CAN I TRUST??????????????????

Only Time

It's only time when we all must come to a decision in our lives. We don't know if it will be the right one or the wrong one. We just know that we have to make a decision. Only time will tell. Who can say when I can be happy or sad? Who can say it will work or if it will break? Who can say I will be loved or if I will end up lonely? Who can say if I will ever get back to normal, whatever that really means anyway? WHO? Who can say they know where my life will be in 10 years? Who can say they will or will not be in my life in 10 years? Is anything for certain? NO!!! Only time can tell. That is why I choose to live NOW!!!! Anyone want to come with me for the ride? Only time will tell if we survive.

Dirty-Little-Secrets

Today, I had a better day. I went to group, my Dad gave me money (which was WAY more than I could ever imagine for my birthday, I feel uncomfortable accepting it), I went for coffee with MA, went lots of shopping ($800 worth of shopping) Pizza for dinner. But what I am gonna talk about are my dirty little secrets.

I have been feeling frisky, which lead me to write Frisky Friday's. I have been feeling a lot better physically and have been craving intimacy. I want to get laid, and the person I want to have this moment with is not interested. So, I bought 3 little friends from Trojan. I got a Vibrating Mini, for my purse: for those moments that if I am somewhere away from home and need a little relaxation. I got a Vibrating Finger Touch Vibrater, to stimulate my outer parts, that type always gets me to cum good and the handy dandy Trojan Tri-Phoria. This baby got 5 stars. This can go in, out, around, 5 speeds, I can really have some fun with this thing. Too bad my parents are here, I can't use this when they are here. Sometimes, I get nervous and can't cum when I self pleasure thinking my dead relatives are watching me, LOL (another dirty little secret)

I haven't had sex since July 1, 2011 (ex says and told attorney) I personally don't remember having that sex, maybe Ambien, I remember it being on my birthday, last Feb. 21st, 2011. I haven't self pleasured since last October. 4 MONTHS WITHOUT RELEASE!!!! I am about due!!! I am NOT looking for a clingy relationship, I am looking for someone who can be discreet and casual and not be too clingy.

It's easier for a man to cum than a woman. They just stroke until, well, pop goes the weasel. Women, it takes us a long time. For me, I have to light candles, be alone, make sure the kids are sleeping sound and even then it takes forever. But once I have my first orgasm, I can easily have multiples. The best orgasim I ever have, was with my old dildo (I threw them all away) But it was so life like, tilted up to hit my G-Spot and had a soft clit stimulent and the whole thing vibrated many speeds. That made me cum hard. I can't cum by having sex. I don't think I ever did. I really don't like men going down on me, I fear I have a scent or if I peed like a couple hours ago, he could taste it. Maybe if I had a shower, I could, big maybe, but that is a bit personal being so close to my love tunnel, or what I nickname the cat :-) Remember, don't pet the cat with dirty fingers, nobody  knows if I am referring to a pet kitty or what!

I am not sure if I will come up with a Frisky Friday tomorrow. As I said, my parents are in town from Detroit and I need to have some quiet time to think up some good fantasy's. My Mom will always come up behind me and asks "what are you doing?" LOL

Most of my fantasy's are about MA, and today, he kind of embarressed me by wearing his Batman shirt which happened to be what the character in my last fantasy wore. So I blushed through group, I blushed and giggled during coffee, it was truly evil!!!! LOL I swear this man is mouse to my cat.... we have such chemisty but he has the road blocks. Good thing I have lots of patience.

For more of my dirty little secrets, go back to my older blog a couple months ago. I listed them. Today, I can check the vibraters off my list of things to get......
I can't wait to use them!

You Don't Know Me!!!!

I love this chocolate candy. It smells so good and it wraps it's senses like a blanket around me everytime I am done with it. I can't take this anymore. I want chocolate every day. It tastes so good. It gives itself to me, then stopped. I am battleing between just giving up the chocolate or to just continue to have a nice relationship with chocolate whenever I can have this equivalent to Godiva Chocolates. I stare at this chocolate candy, and I can't eat it. No matter how much it rubs it's exquisite creamy goodness in my face, I can't eat it. I get frustrated that I can't eat it. It tells me that I am not right for it, that it will be bad for me, that my diabetes will go through the roof. But I just want a little nibble here and there. I want to touch the chocolate and kiss the chocolate with my lips and lick the chocolate. I feel attachment to this particular chocolate. But the alternative is that I will never have this chocolate again, not even a glance at it's beautiful golden packaging. The chocolate makes me cry sometimes. I wish the chocolate knew how much I craved it. Maybe I should try potato chips or pretzels. But I don't want anything else but this chocolate. I guess I will live in constant need. That sucks!!!!!

You Don't Know Me- Ray Charles W/ Diana Krall

 

 

You give your hand to me
And then you say, "Hello"
And I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well
Well, you don't know me no

No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you each night
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight
To you I'm just a friend
That's all I've ever been
No you don't know me

I never knew the art of making love
Though my heart aches with love for you, yeah
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by
A chance that you might love me too

You give your hand to me
And then you say, "Goodbye"
And I watched you walk away
And all my dreams must die
No you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so
No you don't know me

But I never knew the art of making love
Though my heart aches with love for you
I'm afraid and shy, I let my chance go by
A chance that you might love me too

You give your hand to me
And then you say, "Goodbye"
And I watched you walk away
And all my dreams must die
Oh, you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so
No you don't know me

I say you never ever know
The one who loved you so
No you don't know me
No you don't love me

Uncertainty In My Life!

Religion: Does God exist? Many agnostics believe that certain knowledge is impossible in religious matters. Whatever evidence might be for or against the existence of God, both God's existence and God's non-existence remain conceivable. So what does it mean to me? I believed all my life, until my life kept getting worse. I could easily say that God is giving me tougher lessons to learn to get into heaven or He just abandoned me or He just doesn't exist. I DO NOT like the last one, because it goes so much against my Catholic upbringing. But I am confused as to what to believe anymore. I am burnt out. Going to church isn't beneficial to me anymore. It's the longest hour of my Sunday. I feel like I am a demon in church, cause I feel uncomfortable in there. Maybe I need an exorcism.? Maybe I am really evil deep down and that is why I am sick all the time and depressed, and having the worst luck and worse things happening to me, to get paid back for something I've done? Maybe I have a nasty demon that is attached to me and I need to get it removed. Would I feel better about church? Will I feel there is a God? Spiritually, I feel dead inside and I know that is a bad place to be.

 

 

Love: I am having issues of whether love exists and what it really is? I know there are all types of love. Romantic love, platonic love, spiritual love, religious love, familial love, Some say that love is lust and that we become attached to people. Some say love is when you don't want to be away from your "special someone" Psychology portrays love as a cognitive phenomenon with a social cause.. such as Intimacy, Commitment and Passion. and the ancient proverb said it's a high form of tolerance. Love is also compatibility. I am still on the fence with this love stuff but I am beginning to feel something sparking me that scares me, just based on these examples. I believe people love you in different ways such as a boyfriend loves you differently than a brother or son, because they need something DIFFERENT from you. It goes back to attachment and what you are getting from that person and vise versa. We need people, we label it love.

 

 

Future: I don't know what the future hold. None of us do. But we always base our future on past experiences and what has happened before, means it will happen again, right? Yes and No!!!!! I can't look into the future without some sort of panic. Right now, I got it going hour for hour and maybe into the night. I can handle that. Tomorrow is scary in a way. But, I am going to say something hypocritical and say, that if tomorrow has something good that will happen, then I will look forward to it. If I have nothing planned, then why bother with uncertainty.

 

 

Family: My family is my family. I didn't have a chance to choose them, I can only choose my friends, which end up feeling more like family to me. I can't trust anyone in my family. My SIL called the school Guidance Counselor and reported her concerns about my children and my parenting skills and my ex's lack of parenting skills which leaves me in hot water. She wouldn't mind taking temporary custody of her Goddaughter. My parents do and say the most whacked out things. I don't trust my family, and it's hard to trust my friends, especially when I am not as important to them as they are to me. So family and relationships are scary for me. What is for certain?

 

 

Death is certain for me, so is paying taxes, so is paying bills and having to breath and eat and poo and pee. These are certain. Nothing else is certain. I need to get out and start trusting people, but on my terms.

Nothing is certain!!!!!!!

You Can't Say You Don't Love Me, Just Say You Don't Love Me Anymore

There comes a time when you realize that things are over for good. It is hard hearing the words, but they must be said. I told him that I didn't love him anymore, and that I am not physically attracted to him anymore, that I haven't for awhile and I know it hurt him hearing that from me. I then said the WORST thing of all. I told him that I loved him as friends. In which he didn't take it too well. He says if there is love there, can't we build off from that friendship base?

No, we can't. He killed everything good I ever felt of my marriage by being irresponsible and not taking the kids and I into consideration in anything he's done. He says he has, but recently been disconnected by bills, finances, job, depression, my parents, my health, his wanting Pot and alcohol that he can't afford, or he gets it free for awhile and then withdrawls and no sex. He got mad and said I was frigid the last year, no sex over 7 months, no blow jobs in 4 months, and that has put extra stress on him.

What I am dealing with, is bar none, the most hardest thing I can possibly think of besides death of a love one. In a way, it feels like death, worse than death, becaues I lost my daughter, but she is still alive. She is alive, but I can't just go up to her and hug her, or tell her I love her. I can't contact her. She is HERE but she is GONE. She is NOT dead, but she is dangling in front of my memory. She is on this planet, other people can enjoy her company. I can't. She don't love me anymore.

I don't have anybody to love me, besides my kids and well, my parents, if they actually love me, I guess in their own crazy controlling way they do. I want to be loved. I am at the bottom of the bottom and I can say I wish I had someone to hold me and love me and just hold me for hours and hours, maybe fall asleep in the warm shelter of someones arms, and protect me. I don't have that. I don't have a husband, especially one capible of holding me. He never did. He wasn't that type of person. I knew that, and thought I could make him change. YOU CAN NEVER CHANGE SOMEONE!!! It blows up in your face. You try so hard, that it kills anything you have left anyway.

Here is a song that I play over and over again right now. Music, even sad and depressing kinds, are therapeutic for me. I will listen to this and dedicate it to my daughter and my soon to be ex husband and hopefully be able to move on with the rest of my day.
PS: Social Worker was kinda mean to me today. She told me she was tired of my excuses and that I STILL KEEP PLAYING THE VICTIM. Where the hell do they find these people?? I want to cry and get it out, and listen to this music and she tells me it's victim talk. I am not doing anything to resolve my situation that I should be online looking for ways other than listening to sad music and wish Hannah back. She isn't coming back, at least not now and I am doing nothing to help myself. I am the VICTIM. FUCK HER!!! So here's my song........... (it's short)

You can say all things must end
You can smile and even pretend
And you can turn and walk away so easily
But you can't say you don't love me anymore

You can dream of what might have been
You can cry for what won't pass again
And you can say there's every reason you should leave
But you can't say you don't love me anymore

You can say I'm right, you're wrong
You can make your plans
To find somebody else
But I can't believe you can carry on
We know what should be said
But you can't find the words instead

You say all things must end
You can smile and even pretend
And you can turn and say
You're leaving me for good
But you can't say you don't love me

Just say you don't love me anymore

The Day After and RIP Whitney Houston

Rest In Peace Whitney Houston

Whitney Houston was the first concert I went to as a kid with my Parents at Pine Knob. I wanted to name my first born daughter after her at the time. RIP, you will be missed, the talented Miss Whitney.

I just wanna Live!!!

The day after the desperate measures I'd taken is going MUCH better than I anticipated. I slept 14 hours and I woke to all 3 of my bathrooms squeaky clean. (I like the word Squeaky/Squeak, as it was my high school nickname)

Anyway, my 2 daughters that are left here cleaned the bathrooms, and washed the dishes, cleaned the living room and found some really nice sheets I hid in my son's room when D#1 and BF took my other really nice 1000 thread count bed sheets from me when they moved out.

All went well until the doorbell rang. I thought I locked the door and my son needed to come home from spending the night at his friends house. Nope, not him. It was D#1 and BF and they said they left some things. Some of the things they ALREADY GAVE TO D#1's siblings. She took the stuff and D#2 and D#3 are pissed and hurt. D#3 said Oh well we shouldn't expect anything less from them. She is 12 I might add. She's so perceptive. She said it was always about them and if it weren't everyone would pay. She knew more than I did, or I just ignored it. When I saw them, I wanted to cut again, but it wasn't nearly as strong as yesterday, it just felt like I needed a glass of wine to calm down or a Xanax, it was just a craving to do, not an oveerwhelming urge. They left very quickly, no meanness, no pleasantries, just like strangers being cordial to each other. I had tears in my eyes, that's all. My other 2 daughters and I held each other for a few minutes and we are OK. We are still waiting for son to come back. Soon to be ex is working. He called in yesterday cause of what happened.

About how I am feeling physically. I am, of course, sore. My arm hurts like a son of a bitch. I am hating on myself for doing that to me, cause I am paying the price again today. I also had over excess energy again, but not as much as I normally do, so I jogged for just an hour and clocked in about 5 miles at moderate speed. I feel uplifted but physically in pain and maybe still in a little shock. I look at my bandage that has dried blood soaked through, I can change my bandage tomorrow. It feels like my bandage is stuck to my arm and I am afraid that if I remove it, it will open up and bleed again. It will scare me. Stupidity on my part, just stupid, stupid, stupid!!!!!!! I wish I never done that. I am so angry at myself. I am not saying that I am better. I'm not! But I feel better than yesterday, I got exercise, and I am not having the urge to kill myself. I want to live. I ham on 15 MG of Ambien and 1 and half tabs of Klonpian. I am surpriszed I can even type. LOL Ima high!

I got an email from MA and of course, he had only nice things to say. But what else would he say? Anything else would put me into a worse depression, so of course he'd be nice!!! It is encouraging, but I am still so embarrassed to face him. I just am, anybody else but him. I can even face my therapist now. It's just him. WHY? I can't think about him right now. I need to concentrate on getting my head back in the game, but I just can't help it. I think of him often. He is, well, he just is! He's MA!!! He's my weakness, my Kryptonite, he's my friend and yes, I'm attached His beautiful face and kind nature got me through today. Well, anyway, back to what went on today.

Recap: I slept like a rock till this afternoon to a clean house and I ate good, healthy, I worked out, I blogged my feelings, I hugged the girls and Colin just got home as I am typing this. He's been gone the last 24 hours. He is cleaning his room and then shoveling the snow, we got more than I thought we would, about 6-8 inches of lake effect snow. I'm listening to Maroon 5 right now. I am stable but still uncertain of things. Can't think of the future still, only the here and now. I know MA asked to hang out on Tuesday, and I really want to, but facing him is out. I need to think about that the next couple days. If I do, I don't think I can look him in the eyes though. It might be therapeutic? I don't know. Hour by hour!!! Tomorrow is another day and will come when it gets here.