Splendor Me Not

This blog is supposed to be about my Splendor and Sexuality and of course, about my day to day life and how I am coping with being a single parent and illness. I can tell you, I am failing at it, greatly.

I am overwelmed. Without the help from my ex-husband, I am sinking and sinking quick. It's like I am in the middle of an ocean and I am screaming for a life savor device and someone throws over a Life Savor candy. Ya, like that is gonna help. I am drowning.

I just found out my youngest daughter got inherited my autoimmune disease. I have to pay for a specialist for all 3 of my us now. $450.00 in ONE WEEK CO-PAY!!! This has caught me off guard. I am worried like heck here. I receive NO child-support. I try to be friends with the ex, and he won't have any of it. He has filed income taxes claiming me for last year when part of the year I wasn't even in the house, nor the girls. He elecronically signed for me too. I never seen half of that. He sold all my stuff at a garage sale, and I seen none of the money, or, half I should say. I get NOTHING from him. It has been this way for almost a year. I was doing fine, until this medical shit happened. I am angry and have every right to me.

Then I have 2 men, one which I want to be with, trying to get with me. One is acting like an immature baby, the other like a perfect gentleman. I don't need this drama!!! I can't stop it. Yes, I am flattered that I am wanted, but also, at the same time, I need to steer 100% clear of immaturity. I will run for the hills, I swear! I can't handle the drama in my life or the complication of telling me, "you WILL marry me" WHAT??? No asking, it's just you WILL marry me. NO, I WON'T!!! I never had anyone propose to me, never on bended knee. The first husband, I proposed to, and and second, I was pregnant and I proposed to as well. I am NOT proposing again. I also am not gonna be made to marry someone either. I will choose when and with who on MY TERMS!!! I just got fresh off of a divorce and also a relationship, I am headed into a new relationship and I am comfortable as it is right now. No pressure. But no, FB is a breeding ground for a plethora of bullshit drama, that I am about to shut the muther fucker down.

I have medical appointments every day for the next 3 weeks. A Barium Swallow scheduled for August 5th at 8:45am. I am nervous as hell and a Colonoscopy scheduled after the results come in from the Barium Swallow test. I have an ENT appointment and surgery on my vocal cords. I am scared. I have to have my breast Calcifications removed. After cancer, once the cancer cells are dead and gone, it leaves calcifications and they are like rocks in my breasts. I am just fed up with doctors. Before I get intimate with someone, I want my health cleared. I am talking to someone right now, and am happy.

So, today, is an overwelming day. I am kinda quiet today. I want to nap once these appointments are all done.

Tomorrow, I will write about the Splendor in Family! That should be intersting. Maybe a long blog?

The Splendor of Finding Your Sexuality Again

I must say, I have been living in a sexual drought for a while. With the cancer and all the stress, I didn't really miss it. However, with BA coming into my life, he has awakened my true inner self and I feel ALIVE again!!! I was fixin to stay celibate for a long while. But I finally met my match. He is so sexy, with the same sex drive as myself. I wonder what we would be like in the same room together?

Last night, I pleasured myself before bed, and I felt super-charged. I often find myself today, thinking about what I was thinking about when touching myself and wonder how he would touch me. As I said previously, I have met my match. He enjoys being sexual as I do. There is never a bad time to make-love.....well, unless you are sick or just had surgery, but even after surgery a few days later, I am frisky. Someone who wouldn't turn me down nor would I turn him down. If this is how I live the rest of my life out, I will die a happy woman.

I am not talking about marriage. I am still not sure I want to enter into that institution again. I am not opposed to it. I live on a day to day schedule and tomorrow is promised to no one!!!! If it shall happen, it will, if it was meant to be, then so be it but my purpose hasn't been revealed just yet. I know he was brought into my life for a reason. I want to help him, and I feel a strong need to protect him. I will do so. So strange how we started talking and connected on all levels to me feeling a strong urge to protect this beautiful souled man. In a way, I feel some sort of love, not in love, but love at first connection to him. Not sure what I feel about this heart and mind drive and what they want me to do? I don't want to be alone in my life. It is not that life is too damn short, which it is, but that we are dead too long. I want someone I can protect, care for and make-love to on a daily basis. First you have to have chemistry. Communication and be in my Circle of Trust.  He has qualified.

Problem, he lives so far away. It's hard to help him when I am so far away. I can't move to him until my last child is at least 17! Or my 16 year old turns 18 and is in college. If I choose to do so.  But I love Michigan and he is from Michigan previously so maybe he would consider moving back at some point? After visiting, he may decide I am not what he wants in a relationship. It's hard having a long distant relationship but it can work, especially if it was meant to be. I have patience, all the patience in the world.

So, today, I will sit back and enjoy my days with my daughters, and I will take good care of myself and continue to learn and grow and BETTER myself. I learned from past mistakes. I love my new course "A Course In Miracles". I am continuing to grow and transform into the person I want to be. I want to share this feeling. Once I get my own PC, rather than this library one, I can write more candid and detailed posts. For now, know, I am in the right direction and I am happy. Finally! Things do happen for a reason, we may not know that reason, but God does and He has a plan for me and each of us. I might as well let Him teach me my lesson and follow where He wants me to be as in what the Course talks about.
Peace, Love and Light!
Tracie

I'm back under new management

Hello everyone, long time no post. Reason? Was living in Arizona. I will start with a little secret.  I will divulge my true identity.  I am Tracie Berendt Szakal. And  I am Anya and I used that
 alias because I was going through a divorce.  Now all that is behind me I can "come out". So.......I will update using my correct name and update from here.

I am doing well. I am still going through cancer. I have several health issues I am dealing with and I am concurring them slowly. I found a special friend,  from my high school days that has been a joy and treasure in my life. I would be lying if I said I wasn't attached already. I will not name names and only use an alias. I will call him BA for Beautiful Angel. It's time to start blogging again.

I also started A Course In Miracles. It has been a rewarding experience. I have grown so much in the past few years but this last year took me beyond my limits. I am grateful for this because I enjoy learning and getting stronger. Until then.....

Oh and Yes, I will make up new Erotica, especially with my new muse.