Splendor Me Not

This blog is supposed to be about my Splendor and Sexuality and of course, about my day to day life and how I am coping with being a single parent and illness. I can tell you, I am failing at it, greatly.

I am overwelmed. Without the help from my ex-husband, I am sinking and sinking quick. It's like I am in the middle of an ocean and I am screaming for a life savor device and someone throws over a Life Savor candy. Ya, like that is gonna help. I am drowning.

I just found out my youngest daughter got inherited my autoimmune disease. I have to pay for a specialist for all 3 of my us now. $450.00 in ONE WEEK CO-PAY!!! This has caught me off guard. I am worried like heck here. I receive NO child-support. I try to be friends with the ex, and he won't have any of it. He has filed income taxes claiming me for last year when part of the year I wasn't even in the house, nor the girls. He elecronically signed for me too. I never seen half of that. He sold all my stuff at a garage sale, and I seen none of the money, or, half I should say. I get NOTHING from him. It has been this way for almost a year. I was doing fine, until this medical shit happened. I am angry and have every right to me.

Then I have 2 men, one which I want to be with, trying to get with me. One is acting like an immature baby, the other like a perfect gentleman. I don't need this drama!!! I can't stop it. Yes, I am flattered that I am wanted, but also, at the same time, I need to steer 100% clear of immaturity. I will run for the hills, I swear! I can't handle the drama in my life or the complication of telling me, "you WILL marry me" WHAT??? No asking, it's just you WILL marry me. NO, I WON'T!!! I never had anyone propose to me, never on bended knee. The first husband, I proposed to, and and second, I was pregnant and I proposed to as well. I am NOT proposing again. I also am not gonna be made to marry someone either. I will choose when and with who on MY TERMS!!! I just got fresh off of a divorce and also a relationship, I am headed into a new relationship and I am comfortable as it is right now. No pressure. But no, FB is a breeding ground for a plethora of bullshit drama, that I am about to shut the muther fucker down.

I have medical appointments every day for the next 3 weeks. A Barium Swallow scheduled for August 5th at 8:45am. I am nervous as hell and a Colonoscopy scheduled after the results come in from the Barium Swallow test. I have an ENT appointment and surgery on my vocal cords. I am scared. I have to have my breast Calcifications removed. After cancer, once the cancer cells are dead and gone, it leaves calcifications and they are like rocks in my breasts. I am just fed up with doctors. Before I get intimate with someone, I want my health cleared. I am talking to someone right now, and am happy.

So, today, is an overwelming day. I am kinda quiet today. I want to nap once these appointments are all done.

Tomorrow, I will write about the Splendor in Family! That should be intersting. Maybe a long blog?

The Splendor of Finding Your Sexuality Again

I must say, I have been living in a sexual drought for a while. With the cancer and all the stress, I didn't really miss it. However, with BA coming into my life, he has awakened my true inner self and I feel ALIVE again!!! I was fixin to stay celibate for a long while. But I finally met my match. He is so sexy, with the same sex drive as myself. I wonder what we would be like in the same room together?

Last night, I pleasured myself before bed, and I felt super-charged. I often find myself today, thinking about what I was thinking about when touching myself and wonder how he would touch me. As I said previously, I have met my match. He enjoys being sexual as I do. There is never a bad time to make-love.....well, unless you are sick or just had surgery, but even after surgery a few days later, I am frisky. Someone who wouldn't turn me down nor would I turn him down. If this is how I live the rest of my life out, I will die a happy woman.

I am not talking about marriage. I am still not sure I want to enter into that institution again. I am not opposed to it. I live on a day to day schedule and tomorrow is promised to no one!!!! If it shall happen, it will, if it was meant to be, then so be it but my purpose hasn't been revealed just yet. I know he was brought into my life for a reason. I want to help him, and I feel a strong need to protect him. I will do so. So strange how we started talking and connected on all levels to me feeling a strong urge to protect this beautiful souled man. In a way, I feel some sort of love, not in love, but love at first connection to him. Not sure what I feel about this heart and mind drive and what they want me to do? I don't want to be alone in my life. It is not that life is too damn short, which it is, but that we are dead too long. I want someone I can protect, care for and make-love to on a daily basis. First you have to have chemistry. Communication and be in my Circle of Trust.  He has qualified.

Problem, he lives so far away. It's hard to help him when I am so far away. I can't move to him until my last child is at least 17! Or my 16 year old turns 18 and is in college. If I choose to do so.  But I love Michigan and he is from Michigan previously so maybe he would consider moving back at some point? After visiting, he may decide I am not what he wants in a relationship. It's hard having a long distant relationship but it can work, especially if it was meant to be. I have patience, all the patience in the world.

So, today, I will sit back and enjoy my days with my daughters, and I will take good care of myself and continue to learn and grow and BETTER myself. I learned from past mistakes. I love my new course "A Course In Miracles". I am continuing to grow and transform into the person I want to be. I want to share this feeling. Once I get my own PC, rather than this library one, I can write more candid and detailed posts. For now, know, I am in the right direction and I am happy. Finally! Things do happen for a reason, we may not know that reason, but God does and He has a plan for me and each of us. I might as well let Him teach me my lesson and follow where He wants me to be as in what the Course talks about.
Peace, Love and Light!
Tracie

I'm back under new management

Hello everyone, long time no post. Reason? Was living in Arizona. I will start with a little secret.  I will divulge my true identity.  I am Tracie Berendt Szakal. And  I am Anya and I used that
 alias because I was going through a divorce.  Now all that is behind me I can "come out". So.......I will update using my correct name and update from here.

I am doing well. I am still going through cancer. I have several health issues I am dealing with and I am concurring them slowly. I found a special friend,  from my high school days that has been a joy and treasure in my life. I would be lying if I said I wasn't attached already. I will not name names and only use an alias. I will call him BA for Beautiful Angel. It's time to start blogging again.

I also started A Course In Miracles. It has been a rewarding experience. I have grown so much in the past few years but this last year took me beyond my limits. I am grateful for this because I enjoy learning and getting stronger. Until then.....

Oh and Yes, I will make up new Erotica, especially with my new muse.

Circumstantial Depression and 2 Others

I believe I suffer from Circumstantial Depression. But my circumstances never change, therefore I get depression all the time to some extent? Which makes me think that Bipolar 2 is a Circumstantial Depression with bouts of Slight Mania due to things FINALLY going your way, smoothly and good for a little bit. If this is, in fact, a valad hypotheseis on Bipolar 2, then this is what I have. Thanks to United4Life.com, here are the three types of depression.

1) Circumstantial Depression

• Circumstances have gone wrong in your life causing you to be depressed
• Should last about 2 weeks and no longer than 6 weeks
• Will last longer if:
  • The circumstances keep happening to you (i.e. being bullied on a regular basis)
  • The circumstance is so bad that you have to deal with it (i.e. abuse)

2) Clinical Depression

• A chemical imbalance in the brain
• Can be onset at any time during adoescence
• 12–15% of the American population suffers from this imbalance
• Can be diagnosed as Major Depressive Disorder, Uni–polar Depression, or Bi–polar Depression
• If you have been depressed for more than 2 weeks without ongoing circumstances, you may have clinical depression
• Visit your doctor. This is an easy way to get info.

3) Drug & Alcohol Related Depression

• A chemical imbalance brought on by the circumstance of dumping depressants into your body
• Alcohol & marijuana are depressants
• Other drugs, such as cocaine, cause depression during the come–down
• Prescription drugs, including birth control, have depression as a side–effect

About Clinical Depression, isn't it ALL Clinical if you are being treated in a Clinic/Clinical setting? I am so confused. Anyway, I hope this helps my readers to distinguish the three types of depression.

Bullying

Today, I went to my first meeting on bullying. Marcia McEnvoy, Ph. D. facilitated the  meeting. I wish more people showed up. I was the "actor" or "guinea pig" if you say, on teaching techniques on how to handle bullying, which she prefers to call BAD BEHAVIOR!!!! Many, in fact all kids and adults act on bad behavior in their life, but most are NOT bullies. Bullies stand for about 15% of the communities because bullies are people who love to hurt people, get off on hurting people and crave and function on hurting people. Most people don't do this. Most people pick on others because they are having a bad day, and need to take it out on someone. Not saying this is right, but it is an epidemic going on around the world. We are desensitized to being rude and mean. Look at all the sitcoms out there, most of them the  punchline is  insulting someone. Look at all the violence on TV, the movies in the media. We are bombarded with rude, mean and disruptive behaviors. So, of course, it effects people, especially the young and impressionable people.

I for one am glad I went to the meeting. I know all I need to know about starting my non-profit and I know it won't be easy. I have a lot stacked against me and many people who think being bullied or bullying is a "rite of passage". It don't have to be, and it effects many kids/adults all their lives.

I will type more about this when I have more time and am not depressed. The last few days have been rough. I think I am coming down with the flu or a cold. My neck is very sore, I am achy, tired, yet, I can't sleep, my head is racing and I feel so drained and fatigued. I am having wacky dreams that keep me awake when, in fact, I do fall asleep. I haven't worked out in 2 days and I binged on chocolate and Harvest Sun Chips and Salsa. I know, it isn't too bad, but it's a START!!! I need to jump BACK on the wagon and get with it. I need to take care of myself. It's hard, it's really hard when all you want to do is sleep and do nothing. A vegetable! I offended any parapelegic right now saying that. Because I know they want to get off their butts and walk and run and workout and would do anything to not be depressed laying in bed, and here, I am wanting to "lay in bed" and just short of throwing a pity party, I need to get real!!! So tomorrow, I am re-evaluating my life. I am turning down the phone, and taking care of myself to get myself back on track. I will write until I come to the conclusion on how I can fix my brain to not feel this way. What the hell is wrong with it? I do have group therapy tomorrow, but I will not offer any detail on what I am going through. I will get healthy advice and coping skills and get back to getting me better.

Have a good night my readers, my friends!

Pain and How We Contribute to Our Own!

Something that we often forget is that we all play a role in the creation of the pain we experience, even if someone else is involved. We don't recognize that we volunteer for that pain. We show up for it. We tolerate it. Once we acknowledge our own contribution, the healing can begin.  So stop nurturing the very things that hurt you.

#1. My Oldest Daughter: I must confront the simmering pain that she has caused me this past year. I am not saying I am without faults, but I seem to go all passive-aggressive when it comes to her. I say "it's OK" and "I've gotten over it" and "I've forgiven her" but in all actuality, I HAVE NOT!!! I miss her, I am angry she chose her BF over her family and still continues to be gone from the family like a fucking fart drifting in the wind! She don't come here, she don't visit, she don't even call me. Hell, she don't even fucking Facebook me anymore and you know what? I AM FUCKING HURT!!!!! I don't  know if I will ever "get over" this!!!! I will take this to my grave!

#2. The Demise of My Marriage: I am so pissed off about this!!!! Because I put so much into this marriage. I have forgiven him so many times and I continue to take the abuse, even to this day! I am sick of this bullshit too! You have no idea what I put into this 17 year marriage!!!! Now I am losing my house in the process, which is also my #3 thing that hurt me.

Back to the marriage! I initiated any talk, sex, outing, ANYTHING! I started the marriage by proposing to him because I was pregnant. I, in a sense, did this to me!!! I sound like a big whiny crybaby, but, these things need to be said and validated. I tried and I tried and I tried so much more and I still come up short!

#3. We Are Losing the House: Yes, my big beautiful white house with the white picket fence I dreamed of and thought I'd die in is gonna be gone in a couple months. I can't obtain a mortgage. I put at least 25 GRAND into this house out of my inheritence and it's ALL GONE!!! I might as well take 25 Grand and burn it in my yard. No wait, that's illegal!!!! Well, to me, so is losing this house!!! We even paid $800 a month for 3 years and nothing to show for. I am so incredibily hurt about this. This too, I will take to my grave!

#4. Grandpa Who Abused Me: This is probably the biggest hurt of them all. Not the actual sexual abuse, although it did scar me. It was how my family treated and responed to it. The cover up! How one aunt tried to blacken my name in defense of her father. How she threatened me. I WILL NEVER GET OVER THAT, EVER!!! I may heal from the sexual abuse and for the most part, have. But it's her way of treating me, like I am some harlet lyar, is so hurtful and to blame me, for her father's illness and stress! If only I wasn't a scared little pussy and actually went to the police, with the eye witnesses, maybe I would have had some closure and validation and seeing him behind bars. Now, he is dead, and got away with it, is free and I have nightmares about it! My Mother finally admitted she knew this was going on, cause she witnessed it happening to her sisters, Mother and what I used to say as a child after visiting Grandpa and Grandma! That is just a small consolation.

#5. My Friends: Really aren't my friends. Maybe because I don't let them get too close to me, or maybe I get too close to them, then pull away and expect everything to be OK? I don't know? I sometimes have to force myself out of the house to visit my friends, sometimes I feel I don't deserve friends and at other times, I feel that I owe it to myself to make connections with people so I don't end up alone in 30 years. But they don't get me, and they don't understand me. I only speak to one person from group and he's a stretch!!! The jury is still out on him. I don't understand him as well as I may think I do. So I just leave it be and hope that maybe things can work out but they never do. Life goes on and I end up someone that they used to know.

Scaredy Cat to Brave Lioness

I went upstairs over the weekend! :-) I cleaned up some more of my hoarding items like magazines, pens, papers, markers.... stuff that dried out and stuff that is irrelevent is going away, trashed, File 13.
I am proud of myself for overcoming my fear to go upstairs. I realize that when I move, it's less shit I have to move and I need to enjoy the last couple months of my apartment upstairs.

MA contacted me via text message to go for coffee on Tuesday. I haven't responded yet. First, I been busy cleaning upstairs. I been thinking as I been cleaning up there and am starting to feel paranoid about meeting up with him. For weeks, he blatantly ingnored me, then I asked him to meet up with me for coffee and there goes the saying "be careful what you wish for"!!!! So now, he wants to meet up. To say what to me? Why now? Well, looks like I will be having coffee with MA on Tuesday.

Back to cleaning......