A Letter In Song.....

A friend of mine has done this on their blog before, wrote a letter or blog, using only song lyrics. I thought it was interesting and this is my FIRST attempt at doing this. It's a letter in response to having the cops called on me yesterday. Thank you very much!!!

Hello there, The angel from my nightmare,

Hey, Mr. Know It All, Well ya think you know it all, but ya don't know a thing at all. When somebody tells you something 'bout you. Think that they know you more than you do. So you take it down another pill to swallow. Cause Baby you don't know a thing about me, you don't know a thing about me! Maybe I'm misunderstood, maybe you're not seeing, the side of me you should.... Maybe I'm crazy? Maybe I've just had enough? Maybe it's time to change?

Everybody's talkin', but they don't say a thing. They look at me with sad eyes but I don't want their sympathy. Why'd you have to go and make a mess like that? Have you ever been low? Have you ever had a friend that let you down so? Cause what you did was low. I forgive you, I forgive me. Now when do I start to feel again? I would never wish bad things, but I don't wish you well.

Oh I, had a lot to say. Cuz everything inside, it never comes out right. I'm sorry I'm bad. I can't take it back. You get older and blame turns to shame. My eyes are open wide, and by the way, I made it through the day. I've done the best I can. I'm not angry, I'm just saying.....Sometimes goodbye is a second chance.

And, I don't know, this could break my heart or save me? Nothings real, until you let go completely. So here I go with all my thoughts I've been saving. So here I go with all my fears weighing on me. Picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers. But I know, it's never really over. At the end of this road I might catch a glimpse of me. Can I open my eyes? Is this as hard as it gets? Is this what it feels like to really CRY? I told you everything, opened up and let you in. You made me feel alright, for once in my life. Now all that's left of me, is what I pretend to be, so together but broken up inside. You think you got the best of me? Think you had the last laugh? Baby, you don't know me cause you're dead wrong! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. But there's a side to you that I never knew, all the things you'd say, they were never true.

Have you ever been hated or discriminated against, I have. Emotions run deep as ocean's explodin', tempers flaring, just blow 'em off, and keep goin' not takin nothin' from no one, give 'em hell long as I'm breathin', keep kicking ass in the mornin' and takin' names in the evening. Leave 'em with a taste as sour as vinager in they mouth, see they can trigger me but they'll never figure me out. But tonight, I'm cleanin' out my closet. I got some skeletons in my closet and I don't know if no one knows it, so before they throw me inside my coffin and close it, I'ma expose it. I'll take you back to '73. I maybe made some mistakes but I'm only human, but I'm enough to face them today. What I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb.

Let me put it to you this way, how is was. Sneakin' in her room when her momma's knocked out. Tryin' to have his way and little (Anya) says ouch. She tries to resist but then all he does is beat her. She tries to tell her mom but her momma don't believe her. (Anya's) stuck up in a world on her own. Forced to think that Hell is a place called home. Nothin' else to do but get some clothes and pack. She says she's 'bout to run away and never come back. Yells and abuses, leaves her with some bruises, Teachers ask questions, she's makin' up excuses. Bleedin' on the inside, cryin' on the out. It's only one girl who really knows what she's about.

Yes I think I'm okay. I walked into the door again. If you ask that's what I'll say. And it's not your business anyway. I guess I'd like to be alone. With nothing broken, nothing thrown. Just don't ask me what it was. You just don't argue anymore. Just don't ask me how I am. Little girl hiding underneath the bed. Was it something I did? Must be something I said? I leave the light on. 17 and I'm all messed up inside. I cut myself just to feel alive. 21 on the run from myself, and everyone. I don't know what to do? Can the damage be undone? I swore to God that I'd never be what I've become. I'm gonna bathe myself in a wishin' well. Pretty scars from cigarettes, I never will forget. I'm still afraid to be alone. Wish that moon would follow me home. So I leave the light on. I ain't that bad, I'm just messed up. I ain't that sad, but I'm sad enough.

They cry in dark, so you can't see their tears. They hide in the light, so you can't see their fears. Forgive and forget, all the while love and pain become one and the same. In the eyes of a wounded child, you shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh.
Because--hell, hell is for children! So maybe now you see why I have become what I didn't want to admit.

I let the phone ring, why won't you believe me. I wait for silence, takes a lot not to answer. But the war is over. This is not my surrender. I'm not running for cover now. Could you go where people can see, someone like me? Could you do that? If you're hating me, do it honestly.

There's a place that I know. It's not pretty there and few have ever gone. If I show it to you now, will it make you run away? Everybody's got a dark side. Hear me, I'm cryin' out, I'm ready now. Find me, I'm lost inside the crowd. It's getting loud, I need you to see, I'm screaming for you to please hear me! I'm restless and wild, I fall, but I try. I need someone to understand. Can you hear me? I'm lost in my thoughts. And baby I've fought, for all that I've got. Can you hear me?

How many times do I have to try to tell you. That I'm sorry for the things I've done. Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut? Some things are better left unsaid. But they still turn me inside out. This is the book I never read. These are the words I never said. This is the fear. This is the dread. These are the contents of my head. And this is what they represent. And this is how I feel. Do you know how I feel ? 'Cause I don't think you know how I feel. I don't think you know what I feel. You don't know what I feel.

So, I'm already gone!!!

Anya
*

I miss you- Blink 182, Mr Know It All-Kelly Clarkson, Maybe-Sick Puppies, I Forgive you-Kelly Clarkson, Never Again-Kelly Clarkson, Low-Kelly Clarkson, Second Chance-Shinedown, Sober-Kelly Clarkson, Cry-Kelly Clarkson, Behind These Hazel Eyes-Kelly Clarkson, Stronger: What Doesn't Kill You-Kelly Clarkson, Cleanin' Out My Closet-Eminem, Runaway Love-Ludacris, Luka-Suzanne Vega, Leave The Light On- Beth Hart, Hell Is For Children-Pat Benatar, War Is Over-Kelly Clarkson, Honestly-Kelly Clarkson, Dark Side-Kelly Clarkson, Hear Me-Kelly Clarkson, Why-Annie Lennox, Already Gone-Kelly Clarkson, Sorry-Buckcherry, Set Fire To The Rain-Adele

Maybe......

I "can stick the money up (my) ass"
I am out of their lives!
I am to act like I don't know them
What happens now?
I did all I can!
I can't reach her!
Is she OK?
I cut again........
It felt good to bleed.
Maybe it's time to change?
I cried hearing this song.......

MAYBE

Maybe I'm a dreamer
Maybe I'm misunderstood
Maybe you're not seeing
The side of me you should

Maybe I'm crazy
Maybe I'm the only one
Maybe I'm just out of touch
Maybe I've just had enough

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for

'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

Maybe it's hopeless
Maybe I should just give up
And what if I can't trust myself
What if I just need some help

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for

'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

And maybe it's time to change
And leave it all behind
I've never been one to walk alone
I've always been scared to try

So why does it feel so wrong
To reach for something more
To wanna live a better life
What am I waiting for

'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change
'Cause nothing stays the same
Maybe it's time to change

Sunny Sunsational Sunburst Sunglow Sunday!!!

Today, on this Sunday afternoon, I am feeling good, I am feeling happy, I am feeling more energetic. I vacuumed the house, done the laundry, took the kids to church, and am now watching "Grow Up Timmy Turner" with my youngest daughter. She is SO happy to be sitting next to me, as I am watching TV. (and blogging lol..come on it's Fairly Oddparents in Live Action with Drake Bell) She is just happy to be sitting next to me.

Later I plan on getting an awesome workout done and I can then blow my diet eating goodies watching the Oscars tonight with the kids. They are so excited! It's like the Superbowl for us girls in the house :-) Now I am watching "Fred The Show: Babysitter" lol  All 3 of my kids are down here, eating candy and having a good time.


I've been writing this blog for over an hour, cause I am watching TV, while trying to blog. I guess I don't have anything epic to say. I guess I am just updating this blog after my temporary lapse of insanity off of Dr. Brown's scientific article on love. I must have been crazy? I am feeling good right now and I feeling confident I am not in love with anyone but my children. OK, this is what I tell myself when I am in denial and trying to cope with unexpected emotions I am uncomfortable with. I am sure that I was just caught up in Dr. Brown's logic, and how he was making sense for all the other suckers in this world.

I need to stop reading about love, and I'll be OK. I need to maintain composure and take one day at a time like I been planning. Stick with the plan!

AWWWW!!! Today IS a good day :-)  * Adam Lambert covering Cryin by Aerosmith :-)

*I do not own the rights to this song.

Closer To The Meaning Of Love?????

I opened my email this morning and I got an article on "How Do You Know You're In Love?" from yourtango.com and I am like, "oh goody, maybe I can get a better idea of what "love" feels like or is supposed to feel like. Here, it's a quick read and it answers 95% of my questions...THAT.................

Scientists highlight the mental and physical clues that tell us we're in love.

Your heart beats faster. You can hear your blood pulsing in your veins. Every time he even looks at you, you feel a burst of energy. Could it be? Are you in love?
That our bodies send us signals that tell us "this guy could be a keeper," is no big surprise. But how does this work exactly? Is it something we do subconsciously? Do our brains and bodies really tell us when we're in love? We asked a couple scientists to sound in—here they've given us five physical signs you're in love:


1. You Catch Yourself Staring
"What's that song…'it's in his eyes'?" asks Dr. Lucy Brown, neuroscientist and professor at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine. "I don't think that's the title, but that's what it should be." Dr. Brown, who has studied neural basis of emotion, says the eyes are what matters most. When you're in love, you involuntarily cannot keep your eyes off of the object of your affection. Humans naturally find eye contact rewarding. Not only that, but we're physically compelled to pursue eye contact with our romantic interests.
"One of the involuntary manifestations of being in love is 'mooning around' the person, having your eyes constantly fixed on a person," says Dr. Brown. 10 Signs He's Smitten


Anya says "Yeah, I'm guilty of this. I stare at him all the time. He's beautiful, I mean, he looks perfect to me, he smells perfect to me and never wears cologne, I could stare at him all day, and his eyes are stunning. I catch myself starring way too much and he notices too, kinda calls me out on in by starring back but he does it to make me feel uncomfortable, I think, by mirroring me. I could be wrong here, but I think that is it"


2. You Feel High
When you realize you've been hyperactively talking about your new beau, you might think you've had too much caffeine. It's actually a different drug.
"Being in love is like being high on cocaine," according to Dr. Brown. Many of the physical symptoms are the same: increased energy, increased heart rate and blood pressure (especially when you see the person), and the inability to sleep or eat are just a few. Feelings of euphoria also appear with cocaine use, as they do when in love. These symptoms occur because, while the brain produces dopamine on its own, it produces even more when in love. The brain also produces more of the chemical norepinephrine when we're in love, speeding up the heart when we're nervous, as we might be upon seeing our beloved.


Anya says "Wow, Again, these scientists have me pegged!!! But is he my cocaine? He feels like a drug to me. I got all the signs above. I must be doomed or VERY addicted to him. Either way, it's the start of my demise. I can see it now in the newpaper headline " Local Area Woman Dies From Overdose From Love Chemical Addiction Dopamine from Local Area Man." Subtitle "Be careful when approaching him because of his charm, sexual energy and extreme good looks. He may not be armed with an "actual" gun but he's dangerous" LOL


3. You Can't Keep Your Hands Off Each OtherYou won't just be seeking your beau visually. Just as you hunt down food when hungry, you'll actively engage in proximity-seeking behavior when you're in love. This explains why grade-school flirtation often involves pushing or hair-pulling. When in love, we can't resist the urge touch our beloved (luckily, we learn how to do this in more polite and pleasing manners later in life).
Dr. Bianca Acevedo, Visiting Scientist at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, says when we're in love, our bodies will subconsciously lean toward each other, a physical manifestation of the brain's desire for emotional closeness. Have you caught yourself wiggling closer to your lover?


Anya says" Yes, I have, although I haven't had the urge to push or pull his hair. LOL OK, you got me, I want to be next to him, so close, almost like being inside him. I sit closer to him, I want to touch him, hold his hand, touch his face. I just want to cuddle close to him and it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, like he's a special comfy blanket of all the right DNA, Cells and Chemicals.


4. You Can't Stop Thinking About Him...
With the increased dopamine levels of romantic love, people think about their romantic interests, on average, 85 percent of the day. This is known as "intrusive thinking."
According to Dr. Brown, "In the early stages of romantic love, most people can't stop thinking about their beloved. The other person becomes an obsession," and will occupy their thoughts for what may seem like an extreme amount of time. But it's really quite normal. In fact, Brown says "If it is less than 40 percent, then it is not really intense romantic love." The level of obsession, while normal if in love, is often compared to that of obsessive-compulsive disorder. When patients undergo treatment for OCD, they're provided with serotonin reuptake inhibitors to ease their obsessions. Because of this, scientists figure that the decrease in the brain's normal serotonin levels causes similar behaviors when in love.


Anya Says " Well then, maybe I need to increase my serotonin cause I think of him ALL THE TIME!!! So now I have OCDMA???? Well he's being very intrusive! But I am guilty of liking it. I like thinking about him. He makes me happy and I can cope better with day to day stresses and he motivates me. So, it's a good thing (I think) It's nice to see that I am 100% NORMAL!!!!!!


4. ...And Only HimAccording to Dr. Brown, when we seek a mate with romantic love in mind, we'd prefer the relationship to be long-lasting. This means we have strong feelings of romantic love for just one person. Conversely, feelings of lust are less about a specific person than they are for sex itself. When it comes to lust, the preferred relationship could be significantly shorter.
According to a 2002 study in which Brown participated ("Defining the Brain Systems of Lust, Romantic Attraction, and Attachment," published in Archives of Sexual Behavior), if a person is really "in love" with his or her partner, desire for emotional union will take precedence over desire for sex. The study also concluded that we seek sexual exclusivity with this one person because we innately hope for uninterrupted courtship and reproduction.
"Love is a survival system, like being hungry or being thirsty," Dr. Brown says. Our bodies seek love (with the goal of reproducing) just as they seek out food or water. Therefore, love for one person is more like a reflex. 15 Signs You're Meant To Be


Anya says " OK, I am NOT interested in reproducing. Although secretly, and with shame and guilt, I have BRIEFLY thought that if we had procreated say, if I met him in the "past" past, we'd have an amazing looking, talented kid. But that is just stupid girl thinking. I get what this Dr. Brown is saying. I would say that I am 35/65 percent into Lust/Love if this man is correct. I, 40 % want to experience a sexual bonding with him, whereas, 65%  of the time, I am happy to just cuddle and rub each others arm or leg or back. I could fall asleep in his arms. But, what I don't agree about with Dr. Brown, is that if you want to have sex with someone, it's lust and if you don't it's love. If I read that correctly? Isn't it kinda both at once, should it be 50/50? I don't know, but he's on to something and I'm guilty.


Writer's Note: While people won't die without love, as they would without food or water, Dr. Brown says studies have shown that people in relationships live longer; they also tend to be healthier and have a greater sense of well-being. The love of friends and family is also important and can even occasionally substitute for romantic love. However, the kind of love we seek depends very much on our hormonal status, what our bodies need at a certain moment in time.


Anya Says  I say this Dr. Brown is a genious. I also believe that people have "hormonal" I call chemical combinations that attract the other person to them, almost what each is lacking the other has and the chemical compatibility is stronger, like a atom or correct DNA coming together in a human body (NOT sexually speaking) People are made for certain people I think and when it's done right, and not just for lust, it has the opportunity to last. BUT, outside influences also ruin that chemical make-up, changing it and therefore crashing the DNA combind strands and the whole thing comes crashing down. Which sucks!!!

But Remember, It Doesn't Last Forever
Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it), the heightened emotions and general euphoria brought on by romantic love eventually fade.
"You can't keep it up forever or you'll never get anything done!" laughs Dr. Brown. "It's too intense to last. Even the most intense romantic love doesn't last more than six months." But don't worry. As feelings of intense romantic love wane, feelings of attachment develop and that's what keeps people together for the long run.
"You can have just 'attachment' but it's better for the couple if there's romantic love at the start. People stay together because they remember the warm, positive feelings of having that original, romantic love." This way, a couple won't just "stay together for the kids"; they will stay together for each other. That attachment is then transferred to their offspring. So love itself doesn't necessarily diminish. It just evolves.

Anya Says "OK, this is VERY true. STBE and I had LUST, I mean, sex from the start of knowing him. It was crazy, it was all we did, we were bound to get pregnant at the rate we were going. With the relationship I am currently speaking of, there is no sex, just cuddling and closeness (at least on my part) that is 100% different than with STBE. Maybe that is a good thing or bad thing? I am not living in a fairie tale world and I know that feelings wane down, but I am not one to roam either. But I am not even looking to settle down with somebody. I just fell for my closest friend. I think that is what will keep this friendship together for as long as he allows it. I'm not going anywhere. If by chance we ever got intimate, I am strong enough to still remain friends even if it stopped. If what this Dr Brown says is true, than I already developed some sort of attachment to this guy. Brown calls it love, I am still on the fence but definately swaying towards Browns side. He makes sense and I can't mess with science.

Despite all the signs and science, though, if you're in love, you're in love. Even Dr. Brown agrees: "You know when it happens."

THAT.................. I GOT IT BAD!!!!! :-(
Thank you YourTango.com for taking me from the dark into the light... I HATE YOU!!!! My innocence is ruined! grrrrrr!!!!

He's Hiding From Me Again!

Don't ask how I know these things, but I just do. MA is hiding from me again! I obviously done something to offend him. I seem to offend people close to me by being either overly nice, too cuddly, too needy or just annoyingly flaky. Which ever, probably all three, overly offended him, I am so sorry. I missed him at group today. But I hope he's feeling better. I worry about him. Why? I don't know? I just worry about the people I care about.

He visited a place a few days ago that I think is helping him cope with some of the issues he's been dealing with. I wish it was me that was doing that for him, but I understand he needed to not know them.  Since this is my personal blog, I can let my feelings flow freely. I can't help but feel just a tad bit jealous. Again, this is not a reasonable reaction. I am trying to understand and work through these feelings when they come up. I swear, I could write a soap opera or drama or even a sitcom with my life. HMMM... maybe I should?

Anyway, I had a good day. Nothing too crazy happened. No D#1 drama, and STBE was a little pissy with me. (What else is new? I call him Mr Crabs in my mind) I just basically spent 3 hours making a list of all my favorite Kelly Clarkson Live Performances and another CD of Various Artists Live Performances and I can't wait to use them as a relaxation tool. I am making a third right now.

I worked out awesome today. But I can't wait until my Rebounder Trampoline comes. It's due to arrive on Monday. Back to jogging full force again and my knees will be thankful. But I sweat like a PIG doing these exercises I am doing right now. A mixture of dance, pilates, Bikram Yoga, Ashtanga Yoga, Floor Exercises for Abs, legs and thighs/butt and Weight Training. I may start the Brazillion Butt Lift DVD? But it's really hard. I also did some Tai Chi I learned from my ex in TN. I am really feeling the strength and my clear mind. Better days, less depressed. I see the shrink on Monday, maybe he can drop my Lexapro to 10 mg's so I can have orgasms? I think this is why I haven't had one in MONTHS!!! I am surprised bats and cobwebs don't come out of my coochie-coo!!!!!

I also need to talk to MA about something that is bothering me again in the back of my mind. I think we are both hiding from each other. I need to ask a favor of him. I already know the answer, it will be NO, but it can't hurt asking. I might get a surprize!!! It's a big step on his part and his retreat is coming up, he will have time to think about it and reflect. I already asked if he'd go to a Kelly Clarkson Concert. (I'd die to go, she's the BEST!!!!!!) He said NO, so it was no biggie. Anyway, I need to talk to him.
I love you my fellow bloggers. My Ambien ladden brain is full of love and is telling me to get off this blog/PC before I reveal too many secrets. SHHHH!!!!!

If I had You LIVE on OPRAH! I don't own any rights to this song!
Me Sleepy. Baby, if I had you, you'd be spoiled and never having to want again. Your body would be content and relaxed and knowing you don't have to worry about me leaving you. I could never! That is Secret #1....closing out!

The Good, The Bad & The Ugly!

I think I had a good birthday. It started out good, then went bad quickly, got better then ended ugly!

The kids got me a Superman (women) shirt and new yoga pants, they picked out but STBE bought, which was a good thing and very nice of him. Then, I got sad when I didn't hear from D#1, not a phone call, or no hug when I picked the other 3 up after school, you'd think she would at least come talk to me. She FINALLY FB'd me later in the evening just a "happy birthday" No Happy Birthday, Mom, or no :-) face either.

Then, it went good again, because I saw MA and we went shopping for workout shoes and out to a nice dinner, and I talked him into watching a movie at his house and cuddling. I like the cuddling. I would be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed that we didn't kiss or anything. I know, we are friends, but I just needed someone to touch and well, he booted me out of the house so fast after the movie and we didn't even hug goodbye like we always do. In our defense, we were both really tired. He only had a couple hours of sleep. Me, I did as well, but unlike him, I can go like the Energizer Bunny, which can have it's good and bad moments, and last night it was a bad moment. I call it an ugly moment.

Anyway, here's a song that makes me think of the situation and I LOVE LOVE LOVE Kelly Clarkson.

*Kelly Clarkson's cover of a Bonnie Raitt classic. NO COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT INTENDED!!! I do not own any rights to this.

When A Child Feels Dead To You!

She's here, but she seems dead, at least inside. I wish I could copy and paste our conversation, but I will not give away our identities. D#1 has now resorted to extortion to get money from me. Over the weekend, I gave her money to burn 4 workout CD's for me. I paid her, I wanted her to have money on her, and let her feel useful while getting it. Something I wish I could do receiving mine. She said that the $25 wasn't enough, she wants more. Anyway, I told her that I'd like her to come over after school a couple times a week, and I'll drive her back, maybe we could go have dinner or coffee and catch up. I told her I could pay her $30 a week plus all her toiletries and personals. It's all I can afford now. Her response was that she will NOT be working here for me and that it's my responsibility to provide for her, which means, I'm providing for BF too. I even sent her a care package that day and made another one for her so her sister can give to her at school tomorrow. I promised her this and my word is gold. I am not going to not give it to her. I took a lot of time putting it together.

Now D#1 is saying that she was abused all her life and that BF finally is showing her what true love is. That her Dad, my parents and I all abused her and that if she has to sue us ALL to get money, she will do it. She has resorted to calling her Dad and I by our first names too. I am so brokenhearted. I feel like cutting again. I had that taste a couple weeks back after MONTHS from not cutting and I just want to cut, feel the blood drain out, it's so relaxing and the pain although at first is intense, it actually covers the mental pain and anguish I feel and it feels like it's draining the poison from my body, and I suck it out, the blood sometimes, and I know that is twisted, my blood tastes sweet, like some posion. I know it's an addiction and I know that they have AA, and OA. I wish they had CA for Cutters Anonymous.

Daughter is really breaking my heart. She feels like she died, but instead, she is walking the Earth, tormenting me. Cause she is here and I can't see her or have it be like it used to be. No more laughing and joking around, or comic relief. I am just sad. It will not be a good birthday tomorrow. Well, except for my one ray of shining light. MA!!! Don't get me wrong, my other 3 children will make it special, they are here, loving me, they didn't run away to be with their partners, thank God they don't have any yet, as I know of. But, I will be with MA tomorrow, and I am looking forward to it. If I had it my way, if I blow any candles this year, my wish is he would be my gift. Well, in a way, he is. Being his friend, is the best gift in the world. But if I had one wish, I'd be unwrapping him... LOL Well, I can't be greedy, he's my friend and my life would suck without him.

Well, I better try to get some rest. I need to get up early to take the youngins to school and workout. Oh, my rebounder I use to jog broke today. I had it 5 years and it got a good long workout and fulfilled it's purpose. I have another on order. This one is better and has all the bells and whistles so to speak. It's got a total body workout on it and DVD's, resistance bands, AB bar and pull up bar. I can do Pilates on it and well, it has a 4 year warrenty not to break. I will make full use of it,and if it breaks, it's fully 100% replaceable. I aim for long lean muscle and strength and tone and HEALTH!!! Plus, I can jog hard in place for over an hour a day :-) I can't wait till it comes.

Good night my fellow bloggers and I send my love to each of you, especially one special friend in particular.

A Nice Visit & Birth Day Week

This week marks the anniversary of the day I was born. I am trying to embrace this time, even though I developed a fear of birthdays 9 years ago. When I turned 30, I went into a deep depression about leaving my 20's. Ever since then, I try to downplay my birthdays. But this year, as I turn 39, I will contemplate a new decade I will begin a year from now.

My parents came out from Detroit to spend time with me and the kids for my birthday. We celebrated by going to a nice Mexican Restuarant and we watched a lot of movies on DVD, and I have been recovering from Strep Throat. I am finally recovering from Strep and I got my energy back. Today, I worked out 2 hours. I really needed that workout. I feel wonderful and I am thinking that the closer to 40 I get, it may not be that bad. I am going to be starting my life over. I have a new freind in my life. I think I can do this.

Speaking of friend, I will be going to dinner and shopping with MA on my birthday this Tuesday. I am really looking forward to this. He is such a blessing in my life. Even though he is not ready for a relationship beyond what it is now, I still hope one day he will change his mind. But I think right now, he just doesn't want to be a rebound, and I am just getting out of a marriage that was mentally abusive and that maybe he thinks my head isn't in it's right place. Plus, he is getting his life in order as well. But, I will stick by his side, and wait it out. I know he doesn't want to get hurt and I know I don't either.

I contemplate him and all my relationships that are in my life right now. My parents, my children, my STBE, MA, God and especially myself. I still crave affection and companionaship and I will wait until the time is right and when it is, I will know.

So, here is a *song that I have been playing today, that has gotten me through the day.  It's by Adam Lambert and it's important to everyone in my life. Because in a way, each of the named people above know me better than I know myself. So, maybe it's time I start knowing myself better? I have purchased some important books on life and healing whats left of it and I know that I will be OK. I have the skills and the friends.
*Better Than I Know Myself is by Adam Lambert and I DO NOT own any part of this song.

WHO CAN I TRUST???????????

Today, was a hard day. Daughter #1 came over for some money, in exchange for working for me, by making workout CD's, or yard work in the future, or cleaning. Just so she can have some money on her. She didn't stay long, she said hello and goodbye to my parents. Soon To Be Ex was NOT happy about it. It was the start of him being angry at me.

We went to church, I made breakfast for dinner, everyone was happy. Then I worked out as we watched movies Drive and The Help, and Real Steel. I got on the computer, and nobody told me (STBE=Soon To Be Ex) never told me he was downloading a movie and burning it to disc. I disconnected the laptop and he FLIPPED OUT!!!!! My Dad didn't like the way he was talking to me. STBE slammed the french doors and I begged my Dad not to go after him. The freaking drama. We have poor communication in this house. Nobody talks to anybody in this house.....kids don't do it, STBE don't do it. It seems I tell everyone way too much, even when I am about to sit on the Porcelain Throne. I talk too much!!! No one appreciates me and I feel defeated. Maybe I should stop communicating too? That's not me though. I can't be vindictive, or mean, nor can I be disrespectful. I am feeling so sad right now, and defeated. I don't like being talked to in angry tones, like I am stupid, or always doing something wrong, or always being the object of people's anger. Maybe I make people feel full of rage? Maybe I AM just stupid? I can't take this mental abuse. I am sick of this feeling, so worthless, so sad, so depressed. I worked out good today, because I need to burn off all this pent up energy. I need some relief. I need someone I can trust. I am not trusting anybody right now. Who can I trust?

WHO CAN I TRUST?  I need a tangible person to trust in. I need someone I can rely on, even if for only half the time. I feel like cutting again, but I am being strong. I haven't cut since 8 days ago. The wound I inflicted on myself, is still oozing. I am on antibiotics for Strep, so I assume that my wound isn't infected, just oozing.

WHO CAN I TRUST? When I can't even trust myself!

WHO CAN I TRUST??????????????????

Only Time

It's only time when we all must come to a decision in our lives. We don't know if it will be the right one or the wrong one. We just know that we have to make a decision. Only time will tell. Who can say when I can be happy or sad? Who can say it will work or if it will break? Who can say I will be loved or if I will end up lonely? Who can say if I will ever get back to normal, whatever that really means anyway? WHO? Who can say they know where my life will be in 10 years? Who can say they will or will not be in my life in 10 years? Is anything for certain? NO!!! Only time can tell. That is why I choose to live NOW!!!! Anyone want to come with me for the ride? Only time will tell if we survive.

Dirty-Little-Secrets

Today, I had a better day. I went to group, my Dad gave me money (which was WAY more than I could ever imagine for my birthday, I feel uncomfortable accepting it), I went for coffee with MA, went lots of shopping ($800 worth of shopping) Pizza for dinner. But what I am gonna talk about are my dirty little secrets.

I have been feeling frisky, which lead me to write Frisky Friday's. I have been feeling a lot better physically and have been craving intimacy. I want to get laid, and the person I want to have this moment with is not interested. So, I bought 3 little friends from Trojan. I got a Vibrating Mini, for my purse: for those moments that if I am somewhere away from home and need a little relaxation. I got a Vibrating Finger Touch Vibrater, to stimulate my outer parts, that type always gets me to cum good and the handy dandy Trojan Tri-Phoria. This baby got 5 stars. This can go in, out, around, 5 speeds, I can really have some fun with this thing. Too bad my parents are here, I can't use this when they are here. Sometimes, I get nervous and can't cum when I self pleasure thinking my dead relatives are watching me, LOL (another dirty little secret)

I haven't had sex since July 1, 2011 (ex says and told attorney) I personally don't remember having that sex, maybe Ambien, I remember it being on my birthday, last Feb. 21st, 2011. I haven't self pleasured since last October. 4 MONTHS WITHOUT RELEASE!!!! I am about due!!! I am NOT looking for a clingy relationship, I am looking for someone who can be discreet and casual and not be too clingy.

It's easier for a man to cum than a woman. They just stroke until, well, pop goes the weasel. Women, it takes us a long time. For me, I have to light candles, be alone, make sure the kids are sleeping sound and even then it takes forever. But once I have my first orgasm, I can easily have multiples. The best orgasim I ever have, was with my old dildo (I threw them all away) But it was so life like, tilted up to hit my G-Spot and had a soft clit stimulent and the whole thing vibrated many speeds. That made me cum hard. I can't cum by having sex. I don't think I ever did. I really don't like men going down on me, I fear I have a scent or if I peed like a couple hours ago, he could taste it. Maybe if I had a shower, I could, big maybe, but that is a bit personal being so close to my love tunnel, or what I nickname the cat :-) Remember, don't pet the cat with dirty fingers, nobody  knows if I am referring to a pet kitty or what!

I am not sure if I will come up with a Frisky Friday tomorrow. As I said, my parents are in town from Detroit and I need to have some quiet time to think up some good fantasy's. My Mom will always come up behind me and asks "what are you doing?" LOL

Most of my fantasy's are about MA, and today, he kind of embarressed me by wearing his Batman shirt which happened to be what the character in my last fantasy wore. So I blushed through group, I blushed and giggled during coffee, it was truly evil!!!! LOL I swear this man is mouse to my cat.... we have such chemisty but he has the road blocks. Good thing I have lots of patience.

For more of my dirty little secrets, go back to my older blog a couple months ago. I listed them. Today, I can check the vibraters off my list of things to get......
I can't wait to use them!

You Don't Know Me!!!!

I love this chocolate candy. It smells so good and it wraps it's senses like a blanket around me everytime I am done with it. I can't take this anymore. I want chocolate every day. It tastes so good. It gives itself to me, then stopped. I am battleing between just giving up the chocolate or to just continue to have a nice relationship with chocolate whenever I can have this equivalent to Godiva Chocolates. I stare at this chocolate candy, and I can't eat it. No matter how much it rubs it's exquisite creamy goodness in my face, I can't eat it. I get frustrated that I can't eat it. It tells me that I am not right for it, that it will be bad for me, that my diabetes will go through the roof. But I just want a little nibble here and there. I want to touch the chocolate and kiss the chocolate with my lips and lick the chocolate. I feel attachment to this particular chocolate. But the alternative is that I will never have this chocolate again, not even a glance at it's beautiful golden packaging. The chocolate makes me cry sometimes. I wish the chocolate knew how much I craved it. Maybe I should try potato chips or pretzels. But I don't want anything else but this chocolate. I guess I will live in constant need. That sucks!!!!!

You Don't Know Me- Ray Charles W/ Diana Krall

 

 

You give your hand to me
And then you say, "Hello"
And I can hardly speak
My heart is beating so
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well
Well, you don't know me no

No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you each night
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight
To you I'm just a friend
That's all I've ever been
No you don't know me

I never knew the art of making love
Though my heart aches with love for you, yeah
Afraid and shy, I let my chance go by
A chance that you might love me too

You give your hand to me
And then you say, "Goodbye"
And I watched you walk away
And all my dreams must die
No you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so
No you don't know me

But I never knew the art of making love
Though my heart aches with love for you
I'm afraid and shy, I let my chance go by
A chance that you might love me too

You give your hand to me
And then you say, "Goodbye"
And I watched you walk away
And all my dreams must die
Oh, you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so
No you don't know me

I say you never ever know
The one who loved you so
No you don't know me
No you don't love me

Uncertainty In My Life!

Religion: Does God exist? Many agnostics believe that certain knowledge is impossible in religious matters. Whatever evidence might be for or against the existence of God, both God's existence and God's non-existence remain conceivable. So what does it mean to me? I believed all my life, until my life kept getting worse. I could easily say that God is giving me tougher lessons to learn to get into heaven or He just abandoned me or He just doesn't exist. I DO NOT like the last one, because it goes so much against my Catholic upbringing. But I am confused as to what to believe anymore. I am burnt out. Going to church isn't beneficial to me anymore. It's the longest hour of my Sunday. I feel like I am a demon in church, cause I feel uncomfortable in there. Maybe I need an exorcism.? Maybe I am really evil deep down and that is why I am sick all the time and depressed, and having the worst luck and worse things happening to me, to get paid back for something I've done? Maybe I have a nasty demon that is attached to me and I need to get it removed. Would I feel better about church? Will I feel there is a God? Spiritually, I feel dead inside and I know that is a bad place to be.

 

 

Love: I am having issues of whether love exists and what it really is? I know there are all types of love. Romantic love, platonic love, spiritual love, religious love, familial love, Some say that love is lust and that we become attached to people. Some say love is when you don't want to be away from your "special someone" Psychology portrays love as a cognitive phenomenon with a social cause.. such as Intimacy, Commitment and Passion. and the ancient proverb said it's a high form of tolerance. Love is also compatibility. I am still on the fence with this love stuff but I am beginning to feel something sparking me that scares me, just based on these examples. I believe people love you in different ways such as a boyfriend loves you differently than a brother or son, because they need something DIFFERENT from you. It goes back to attachment and what you are getting from that person and vise versa. We need people, we label it love.

 

 

Future: I don't know what the future hold. None of us do. But we always base our future on past experiences and what has happened before, means it will happen again, right? Yes and No!!!!! I can't look into the future without some sort of panic. Right now, I got it going hour for hour and maybe into the night. I can handle that. Tomorrow is scary in a way. But, I am going to say something hypocritical and say, that if tomorrow has something good that will happen, then I will look forward to it. If I have nothing planned, then why bother with uncertainty.

 

 

Family: My family is my family. I didn't have a chance to choose them, I can only choose my friends, which end up feeling more like family to me. I can't trust anyone in my family. My SIL called the school Guidance Counselor and reported her concerns about my children and my parenting skills and my ex's lack of parenting skills which leaves me in hot water. She wouldn't mind taking temporary custody of her Goddaughter. My parents do and say the most whacked out things. I don't trust my family, and it's hard to trust my friends, especially when I am not as important to them as they are to me. So family and relationships are scary for me. What is for certain?

 

 

Death is certain for me, so is paying taxes, so is paying bills and having to breath and eat and poo and pee. These are certain. Nothing else is certain. I need to get out and start trusting people, but on my terms.

Nothing is certain!!!!!!!

You Can't Say You Don't Love Me, Just Say You Don't Love Me Anymore

There comes a time when you realize that things are over for good. It is hard hearing the words, but they must be said. I told him that I didn't love him anymore, and that I am not physically attracted to him anymore, that I haven't for awhile and I know it hurt him hearing that from me. I then said the WORST thing of all. I told him that I loved him as friends. In which he didn't take it too well. He says if there is love there, can't we build off from that friendship base?

No, we can't. He killed everything good I ever felt of my marriage by being irresponsible and not taking the kids and I into consideration in anything he's done. He says he has, but recently been disconnected by bills, finances, job, depression, my parents, my health, his wanting Pot and alcohol that he can't afford, or he gets it free for awhile and then withdrawls and no sex. He got mad and said I was frigid the last year, no sex over 7 months, no blow jobs in 4 months, and that has put extra stress on him.

What I am dealing with, is bar none, the most hardest thing I can possibly think of besides death of a love one. In a way, it feels like death, worse than death, becaues I lost my daughter, but she is still alive. She is alive, but I can't just go up to her and hug her, or tell her I love her. I can't contact her. She is HERE but she is GONE. She is NOT dead, but she is dangling in front of my memory. She is on this planet, other people can enjoy her company. I can't. She don't love me anymore.

I don't have anybody to love me, besides my kids and well, my parents, if they actually love me, I guess in their own crazy controlling way they do. I want to be loved. I am at the bottom of the bottom and I can say I wish I had someone to hold me and love me and just hold me for hours and hours, maybe fall asleep in the warm shelter of someones arms, and protect me. I don't have that. I don't have a husband, especially one capible of holding me. He never did. He wasn't that type of person. I knew that, and thought I could make him change. YOU CAN NEVER CHANGE SOMEONE!!! It blows up in your face. You try so hard, that it kills anything you have left anyway.

Here is a song that I play over and over again right now. Music, even sad and depressing kinds, are therapeutic for me. I will listen to this and dedicate it to my daughter and my soon to be ex husband and hopefully be able to move on with the rest of my day.
PS: Social Worker was kinda mean to me today. She told me she was tired of my excuses and that I STILL KEEP PLAYING THE VICTIM. Where the hell do they find these people?? I want to cry and get it out, and listen to this music and she tells me it's victim talk. I am not doing anything to resolve my situation that I should be online looking for ways other than listening to sad music and wish Hannah back. She isn't coming back, at least not now and I am doing nothing to help myself. I am the VICTIM. FUCK HER!!! So here's my song........... (it's short)

You can say all things must end
You can smile and even pretend
And you can turn and walk away so easily
But you can't say you don't love me anymore

You can dream of what might have been
You can cry for what won't pass again
And you can say there's every reason you should leave
But you can't say you don't love me anymore

You can say I'm right, you're wrong
You can make your plans
To find somebody else
But I can't believe you can carry on
We know what should be said
But you can't find the words instead

You say all things must end
You can smile and even pretend
And you can turn and say
You're leaving me for good
But you can't say you don't love me

Just say you don't love me anymore

The Day After and RIP Whitney Houston

Rest In Peace Whitney Houston

Whitney Houston was the first concert I went to as a kid with my Parents at Pine Knob. I wanted to name my first born daughter after her at the time. RIP, you will be missed, the talented Miss Whitney.

I just wanna Live!!!

The day after the desperate measures I'd taken is going MUCH better than I anticipated. I slept 14 hours and I woke to all 3 of my bathrooms squeaky clean. (I like the word Squeaky/Squeak, as it was my high school nickname)

Anyway, my 2 daughters that are left here cleaned the bathrooms, and washed the dishes, cleaned the living room and found some really nice sheets I hid in my son's room when D#1 and BF took my other really nice 1000 thread count bed sheets from me when they moved out.

All went well until the doorbell rang. I thought I locked the door and my son needed to come home from spending the night at his friends house. Nope, not him. It was D#1 and BF and they said they left some things. Some of the things they ALREADY GAVE TO D#1's siblings. She took the stuff and D#2 and D#3 are pissed and hurt. D#3 said Oh well we shouldn't expect anything less from them. She is 12 I might add. She's so perceptive. She said it was always about them and if it weren't everyone would pay. She knew more than I did, or I just ignored it. When I saw them, I wanted to cut again, but it wasn't nearly as strong as yesterday, it just felt like I needed a glass of wine to calm down or a Xanax, it was just a craving to do, not an oveerwhelming urge. They left very quickly, no meanness, no pleasantries, just like strangers being cordial to each other. I had tears in my eyes, that's all. My other 2 daughters and I held each other for a few minutes and we are OK. We are still waiting for son to come back. Soon to be ex is working. He called in yesterday cause of what happened.

About how I am feeling physically. I am, of course, sore. My arm hurts like a son of a bitch. I am hating on myself for doing that to me, cause I am paying the price again today. I also had over excess energy again, but not as much as I normally do, so I jogged for just an hour and clocked in about 5 miles at moderate speed. I feel uplifted but physically in pain and maybe still in a little shock. I look at my bandage that has dried blood soaked through, I can change my bandage tomorrow. It feels like my bandage is stuck to my arm and I am afraid that if I remove it, it will open up and bleed again. It will scare me. Stupidity on my part, just stupid, stupid, stupid!!!!!!! I wish I never done that. I am so angry at myself. I am not saying that I am better. I'm not! But I feel better than yesterday, I got exercise, and I am not having the urge to kill myself. I want to live. I ham on 15 MG of Ambien and 1 and half tabs of Klonpian. I am surpriszed I can even type. LOL Ima high!

I got an email from MA and of course, he had only nice things to say. But what else would he say? Anything else would put me into a worse depression, so of course he'd be nice!!! It is encouraging, but I am still so embarrassed to face him. I just am, anybody else but him. I can even face my therapist now. It's just him. WHY? I can't think about him right now. I need to concentrate on getting my head back in the game, but I just can't help it. I think of him often. He is, well, he just is! He's MA!!! He's my weakness, my Kryptonite, he's my friend and yes, I'm attached His beautiful face and kind nature got me through today. Well, anyway, back to what went on today.

Recap: I slept like a rock till this afternoon to a clean house and I ate good, healthy, I worked out, I blogged my feelings, I hugged the girls and Colin just got home as I am typing this. He's been gone the last 24 hours. He is cleaning his room and then shoveling the snow, we got more than I thought we would, about 6-8 inches of lake effect snow. I'm listening to Maroon 5 right now. I am stable but still uncertain of things. Can't think of the future still, only the here and now. I know MA asked to hang out on Tuesday, and I really want to, but facing him is out. I need to think about that the next couple days. If I do, I don't think I can look him in the eyes though. It might be therapeutic? I don't know. Hour by hour!!! Tomorrow is another day and will come when it gets here.

Frisky Friday 3: The Theater Date

I know I skipped Hump Day Tips on Wednesday. Life was not pleasant that day. At least I still have contact with my muse. This story, of course, as all my Frisky Friday stories are fiction. These are my fantasy's. I hope you enjoy The Theater Date. It's a little longer than the others and more detail.

It was a passionate ending to a sad love story on the big screen. We usually go see action, or comedy or even drama's, but I asked him to go with me to see a romance. The final scene in the movie, where the main character swears he would spend the rest of his life cherishing the brief but glorious love affair he shared with his lover as tears began to slide down my cheeks. I turned to him, a little embarrassed at my display of emotion as he was watching me. I laughed nervously, wiped my eyes and asked if he was ready to go.

 

He told me "you're lovely" as my tear stained cheeks felt even more unlovely but murmured 'thank you" anyway.

"I should be thanking you" he returned. "It was enchanting to see the emotions paying across your face." He lifted my right hand to his lips and kissed it, letting his tongue trail lightly over my fingertips.

Realizing we were now all alone in the dark theater, and my guy confirmed this with a grin and a low laugh. "Nervous?" he asked.

I studied him before answering. Never had I seen a man look so sensual. His Batman shirt looked so sexy on him with his dark wavy hair and deep green eyes. His legs were straightened out in front of him as his eyes bored into mine, looking anything but innocent.

"Not in the least" I managed to reply before taking a few calming breaths in an effort to relax and control the ache in my groin that was rising with each steaming moment. When that didn't work, I studied his hands. He sat forward in his chair, and took them in his. The sexual tension was so great that I knew if I moved a muscle or spoke a word that we'd be on the floor instantly. Reaching behind my head to undo my hair from it's clip, he ran his fingers through my silky shoulder length hair.

Our moment was hampered by the fact that we were still sitting in our theater chairs side by side. Silently, he led me up the steps to the darker area in the corner next to the film reel window. I pressed him up against the wall and his fingers toyed with my hair again as he finally kissed me. His lips were soft, and I reached up to caress his stubble cheek, he slowly licked my lower lip with his tongue, leaning into me more firmly. Gazing into those emerald eyes, I opened my mouth to welcome him. We watched one another as the kiss deepened and the scrutiny only added to our exploration.

Pulling away slightly, he sighed "I've needed that from the moment I saw your tears stream down your pink cheeks and the expression in your eyes. You looked so vulnerable and sexy. Your face reflects everything you're feeling. I want to see you reacting to me" he spoke in barely a whisper, but with each word my stomach got tighter and my breath shorter.

His hands wound around my waist and he pushed my hips closer to meet his hips with his hard groin and forcing me to keep starring into his eyes, gauging my reaction. I rubbed my hands under his jacket, over his sexy Batman shirt, over his shoulders and down his back, pushing HIM now closer to MY groin making HIM stare into my eyes. I finally moved my head back giving him better access to my neck. He made the bold turn in taking my coat off and I fell into the door I didn't realize was there. It opened into the film reel room. It appeared no one was inside. I smiled and pushed down my pants and I heard his sharp intake of breath telling me he liked the view. I stood before him in nothing but my shirt, the cool fabric soothing my searing skin and my nipples stiffened under his roaming eyes.

"It's your turn" I kidded. His shoes and pants were off in record time as I began to lift his shirt over his chest. "Allow me" I said.

I kissed his exposed skin, trailing my tongue down his chest until I reached his navel. Grasping my head to keep it from lowering further, he was feigning control, but his harsh gasps of lust betrayed the attempt. The shirt came off and I splayed my hands across his chest, circling his hardened nipples with my nails. When I was naked, he pulled me to him and kissed me thoroughly, his erection straining against me as I rubbed my body languorously on his. My eyes searched his, then dropped to admire the sexy curve of his lips, his muscular chest, his waist, and back side. I skipped to his legs, which were powerful and firm and swallowed nervously as I moved back up to get an eyeful of his mesmerizing cock.

He was larger than I anticipated and ready. Stroking him with both hands, I felt him harden even more from my soft caressing. I pushed him gently onto the bench in the room by the door. Kneeling, I took him in my mouth. He swallowed and said "Baby, it's too much..........." not letting him finish what he was saying.

"I know what I am doing" I murmured, licking the base to the tip and back, circling his glans with my tongue.

"No, it's been awhile I will........" he tried saying, but I kept sucking him down, in and out. He moaned loudly and said "PLEASE!!!!" and pulled me to my feet. He shut his eyes, steadying himself as he tried not to explode.

I laid down lengthwise on the bench as he leaned over me, running his warm hands over my breasts, my stomach, and my legs. His deft touch made my skin tingle and every inch of my body yearned for his caress. Cupping my ass with his hands, he slung my calves over his shoulders and descended to my womanhood, his lips and tongue stroking my most intimate parts, sending thrills of pleasure coursing through me. His breath was hot and his fingers spread me open and his tongue was inside, snaking in and out until I felt the beginnings of an orgasm so powerful that it's possibility alarmed me. Then, suddenly, he was standing in front of me, eyes glittering with need. Surprisingly, he bent down and laid his head against my stomach, and just held me in a gentle embrace that I returned.

We parted long enough for him to spread my legs open and him reaching for his cock getting ready to put it inside me. I questioned how we would join on this narrow bench, but I didn't have to worry. He lifted my body the length of his until his huge erection probed my wet pussy.

"Put your arms around my neck" he instructed, and I hooked my body onto his by raising my knees until finally we were one. My legs clenched his waist, he steadied me, and my back was on the bench supporting me. It felt good having him inside me, and was nothing like I'd ever felt before.

I cried out and bucked against him, but he quickly forced his mouth over mine to smother any noise that would call any attention to us. We kissed fervently as I held onto him for dear life while he eased out of me an inch at a time, then thrust forward again before withdrawing with agonizing slowness. When I came moments later, my whole body imploded with a burst of pleasure so ferocious that I almost screamed. I arched into my man as spasms racked my body and my senses catapulted again when I felt his final swell inside me, and the melting heat as he reached his own release deep inside me.

Our bodies were glued together, and our frenzied convulsions left us gulping for air and clinging to one another. We said nothing for awhile, just remained entwined, my head resting on his shoulder and his chin against my hair. Speech seemed impossible for awhile, but then he laughed. His loud chuckles bounced off the walls while I frantically shushed him. He struggled to speak and said " To your right, back corner."

I looked over my right shoulder in the back curious. That's when I seen a twenty-something guy with his cock in his hands, a sweating, flushed face, and realized he just masturbated to our lovemaking. How had we not noticed him before but we quickly got dressed and headed out the door as people started filling the seats for another showing of the movie.

Bad Moon Rising Last Night!

I woke up at 3:30am, after about 3 hours of sleep. I look hard on the eyes, bags under my eyes, dark circles and burning eyes, I ache all over from the intense crying. The full moon last night really did a number on my family. I will walk you through this horrible day and maybe I can make sense of it all and maybe try to function better today and move on. However, I don't think this is possible, because of how I am feeling.

I woke up yesterday, Feb 7th, feeling sick with a sore throat and body aches but with hope. I was going to see my therapist and get things off my chest. She didn't yell at me over MA, like she did last time, but rather kinda encouraged it which through me off. I talked about my parents wanting me to  move back to Detroit. I would never. We discussed boundaries, and my divorce and that I am doing the right thing. I should pat myself on the back.

I got home at 2:05pm 25 minutes before going to pick the kids at school and soon to be ex-husband asks to talk to me. Everyone knows that the statement "We need to talk" is bad, bad, bad and you should run for the hills when hearing it!!!! So we talked and he asked me to move out ASAP!!! He states that with me being here, he can't move on properly and it's not fair to him. That I already moved out mentally. He kept going on.... I was crying and lost and I believe he wants me to take the kids with me. I left to get the kids in tears. I came home, made dinner and helped the kids with homework. I took daughter to cheer practice and son to Community Center. I fell asleep and soon to be ex picked up kids. I got up and took son and other daughter to Catechism, came home and jogged for 80 minutes, then went to go pick them up at 8pm.

8:30 was the worst of the day. Oldest daughter and her boyfriend come down, tag teaming my second oldest child, calling her a "bitch" & "self rightous bitch" and  how much they hate her, accused her of not flushing the toilet, which I know is my youngest child, she does it all the time and accused her of throwing the shower towels on the ground, which my son does this, I witness it all the time. Daughter's boyfriend pointed his finger in my 2nd oldest daughters face and calling her a "bible thumper" and that he and my oldest daughter want to move out because of her and they can't stand her perky cheerleading attitude, they said her attitude is making it hard for them to come out of their room. They said she doesn't love her family. It was pick on Child Number 2 day cause my son throw a wad of napkins in her face and she cried and asked "why did you do that to me "and he said "because I hate you".

So I called everyone down, and told the boyfriend not to talk to my daughter like that, that I want peace and kindness in this house. Daughter #2 already ran upstairs looking for a way to kill herself, crying so hard. I had my son flipping out telling me he doesn't know why he hates sibling #2 and I got on his case about his being dirty and leaving dirty pudding cups around, gum on my lamp stand, my missing sugar container in his room and sucker sticks and pop cans thrown in his room all over with clothes I just washed mixed with dirty clothes scattered all over the floor. I am afraid that I'd get lost in that room, or something would come out and bite me, it's THAT bad. He of course flipped out at me, and said that, that is his way of keeping order. That he hates everyone in the house, and he wants to die cause he don't know why he wants to hurt people, especially daughter #2. So I have 2 suicidals in my house. My youngest is trying to be the peace maker, and bless her heart, everyone keeps yelling at her, and she is off in tears. I go to comfort her and I see daughter #2 in a blanket, crying hysterically. Telling me she will have nightmares of oldest daughter's boyfriend pointing at her and yelling at her and she is scared and traumatized. Oldest daughter hears this and says "boo hoo, give me a break, grow up, this is why everyone hates you, you big cry baby, you act like such a goody goody, and you volunteer all the time and ass kiss to the teachers, bible thumper" among other things. The crying is harder, I am crying harder, I asked oldest daugher to leave the room. She has to tell me that technically she isn't in the room, she is in the doorway.  Daughter #2 is begging me for help in not trying to kill herself. She said she wanted to throw herself down the stairs, or take handfuls of my medicine. I cried with her in my arms. Her and my youngest who share a room told me that my son threatened to shoot them with a gun if the cereal they picked out sucked. I went into son's room, dragged his ass out and confronted him about his behavior in the girls room, demanded he apologize and I threatened to make him stay home from today's basketball game. He flipped, cried, then apologized, then said he needs counseling and ADD meds and wants me to take him, and he got up in my face, then said "see, I wanted to punch you but stopped myself, what if I can't stop myself next time, I need medicine and counseling" <note to self: call someone who can help me with son>

All this, and soon to be ex husband ignores what is going on. He keeps sitting back in his room, leaving me with the burden on 5 unruly, emo kids. I am breaking down at this point, from just crying to being hysterical. I told Colin, "see, where the hell is your father, he is not helping here, I can't do it all, I feel like killing myself too" (I know bad thing to say in front of your kids) So he ran down, let his father have it. Him and my son come upstairs and soon to be ex LETS ME HAVE IT!!!!!!! He tells me that it's all my fault that I am the one who let oldest daughter's boyfriend move in so they can live together, that I am weak and have already moved out mentally and I am breaking up a home, even though it's dysfunctional, I am giving up. Oh, and he had to bring up my hair issue, cause I am not fat anymore (he makes fun of fat people like when they walk by he says ba boom ba boom....) so he reminds me that my hair is falling out and I "better start wearing the wigs I bought" Cause he knows this hurts like no other. For the record, my son now makes fun of fat people. Always calling people "fatties" IT MAKES ME SICK!!!!

While he was finger pointing, I kept asking him what I did wrong? He couldn't answer me. All 3 of my kids said I did nothing wrong but son said I need to stop saying I want to kill myself cause it is "messing with <his> head" I get that, I am not perfect, but I lost control of the situation. No help!!! 3 people in the house wanted to check out last night. There is so much more that I could type. I am just exhausted. My bloodsugar, after being in the 70's 80's and some 90's for 2 months was 126 this morning. It went up to 137 an hour later. All I had was coffee this morning. The stress is killing me.

I feel like running away. Last night, I texted MA, but didn't get his return message until this morning. I must have fallen asleep. I cried myself to sleep last night, playing Cry by Kelly Clarkson over and over and over and over. I had it on repeat. I listened to it on repeat this morning too. I am listening to it right now. I thought I'd share this beautiful song with you. Here it is. Like I said before. I own no rights to the song, I didn't write it or anything, this is Kelly Clarkson's brilliant and beautiful performance.

From Beautiful Chaos to Beautiful Friendship?????

I offered the proverbial olive branch to MA. I've been miserable the last couple weeks with us not talking, or going to the movies or coffee. I been doing a lot of thinking, especially during my workouts, where I focus on just what is going on in my head. I sometimes think too much and sometimes, I don't think enough. I hope I am doing the right thing. I know I will end up getting hurt though, but I am the one who is stronger, I believe, and can handle it. I've been living with disappointment my whole life, starting in early childhood.

My Mom would promise me something, then she'd change her mind or make it on her terms, or she'd make the whole experience miserable. She was miserable, her whole life. She settled with my Dad. She was engaged to a man named Ronnie. He left her at the alter. He never showed up to the church, then later the next day he came over to see my Mom and said, he was a gambler and he couldn't bring her down. But when my Mom was engaged to my Dad, Ronnie came to my Dad's house and talked to my Grandma, and asked her to persuade her son into not marrying my Mom because she was crazy. My Mom was 33 years old when she got married, which is considered old back in the early 70's. They had me 2 years later. My Mom settled she said and felt sorry for my Dad, who was 26 and working at Kelsey Hayes, after getting out of the Army with a Purple Heart.

When my Mom was pregnant with me, she always claimed that I was Ronnie's baby. When my Dad was driving down Beech Daly, she tried to jump out of the car. She went into a lot of hysterics my Dad said. My Mom was abused since she was a child, as was all her sisters, by her father, my grandfather, who also abused me, sexually. He started as long as I can remember, all the way until I was about 13. Then again, when I was married and my husband witnessed it, and got me out of the house. He also tried it with my oldest daughter. Thank God he had limited access to my children. I had a massive nervous breakdown and was blamed for allowing my daughter to witness this and was accused of wanting to be abused for attention because I couldn't fight off an 88 year old man. The psych nurse was very abusive to me, she interigated me in a closed room and accused me of awful things, she said awful things. I asked her why she was doing this to me and I can quote her like it was just happening. She said "Me doing this to you? No, you did this to you. People like you should never procreate. You allowed your daughter to be subjected to your grandfather because you were crying out for attention." She said so many things that I cried for days. This was Havenwyck Hospital. It was a horrible place.

Anyway, the whole point of going down memory lane, is that I am strong. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I am beast right now. I can handle a lot of things. My soon to be ex, he has hurt me. My other ex, he has hurt me. My ex-fiance hurt me. I have not had enough love to know what love is all about. My parents didn't have a loving relationship. My Dad loved my Mom, but she didn't love him. She abused him and still does. So I am the first to admit I know NOTHING about love or what it means. The whole concept of love for me is dysfunctional. But I will get by.

All I know, is that I am attached to MA and I miss him. I don't know what that means? I promised myself that I would never fall for anyone again. I lived through 16 years of marriage that was 85% of it unlovable. I haven't had sex since July 1st (ex says) however, I REMEMBER the last time I having sex was February 21st, my birthday. We didn't even have sex on Valentine's Day. He worked. It's gonna be a YEAR since I remember having sex. Again, this is making me STRONGER!!!! But I do want to lay close to someone and I do want to have sex again. When the time is right, it will happen and with whom, I don't know? But I will not have sex with just anybody. I've never been that type of girl. I am not looking forward to being single. I am not one for the dating world. I prefer to meet people through friends, groups I know and familiar SAFE places.

Well, this was more of a serious blog tonight. I will try to think of something light hearted tomorrow.
G'Nite!!!

Beautiful Disaster, but More Like Beautiful Chaos

It takes someone just seconds to walk into your life, say hello, and become friends, but it takes forever to say good-bye to someone. Nothing hurts more than realizing he meant everything to you, but you meant nothing to him. I try to comprehend our friendship and what I am really sad about tonight. I am shut out! Completely shut out, from everything. I am not having that warm and fuzzy feeling about anything regarding him. Things "seemed" to be going well. Things were misleading. My emotions are deceiving. This song reminds me of him but he's more like my beautiful chaos. NO, I'm not in love, but I am mourning what I think would be a great "relationship" friendly or otherwise. I don't know what I am going to do? I haven't decided how to proceed. But I am one for reading in-between the lines and what is there is really SCARY!

"Beautiful Disaster"

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He’s as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
It just ain't right
It just ain't right

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with                                                 some of the song was cut short for TV
More damage than a soul should see 
And do I try to change him?
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tight

Oh 'cause I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he’s so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on                                some of the song was cut short for TV
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm searching for some kind of miracle                    Starts back up here in video
Waited so long
I've waited so long

He’s soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He’s never enough
And still he's more than I can take

Oh when I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He’s beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster

[Fading]
Beautiful
(Beautiful disaster)
Beautiful disaster

http://youtu.be/MmcdK9IKZsY  <----------whole version with no TV edits

*Kelly Clarkson singing on American Idol her song Beautiful Disaster. I do not own it, did not write it, and claim no copyrights. I am just using the song in a blog, because it is a beautiful song and reminds me on someone I know. Here's the WHOLE version without edits if you're curious. http://youtu.be/MmcdK9IKZsY

Frisky Friday 2: A Bath For Two

My body was aching for a hot bath. I wanted to relax but he was coming over. So I began to fill my tub, which is a Jacuzzi tub, and the jets always hit the right spot. I put in a little lavender bath salts and waited for him to arrive.

 

 

He arrived moments later and I took him into my bathroom and told him I'd like to take a bath and that he could join me or just observe. The lights were on dim and the candle was burning, casting shadows on the wall. He didn't say anything, however, I began undressing and stepped into the hot steamy water. He watched me as I began to suds myself up that I began to feel the intimacy of my own touch more than usual. No doubt, him being there made my adventure an added titillation to my bath. Although aroused, I decided against pleasuring myself, for some reason, with him being there, I wasn't feeling entirely comfortable. We haven't got that far in to our relationship yet.

Suddenly I heard the water ripple and a foot dip into the water. He was obviously a little uncomfortable as I sat there starring up at his beautiful body and the blush on his face only added to his attractiveness. He wasn't trying to hide anything, so that was a good sign. My body was beginning to feel warmer all over again and I reached up for his hand and pulled him down before me. I was intoxicated by the male scent of him. His sex was thick and supple with a strawberry-shaped, pink head and the surface veins meandering down it's length. He wasn't hard, but I hid my nipples as they were fully erect now. His thighs and ass were full, suggesting the physical power that would help with some strong thrusting. I need to compose my thoughts right now.

 

 

 

I took him by the shoulders, savoring the soft-hard feel of his deltoids. There was a light sprinkling of hair on his well-developed pectorals, and I could hear him breathing as my eyes wandered down his molded abdominal's to the little dark circle of his navel and the curling dark hair of his pubes.

 

 

To my delight, his penis had lengthened, and had begun to rise to the surface of the water. I pulled him closer to me, wrapping my legs over his thighs to his back, until the tip of his cock was just barely touching my stomach. I reached between his thighs and cupped his balls, which were big and firm and warm. As I held them, they seemed to move up closer to the base of his cock, which swung up at me into it's full throbbing erection.

 

 

Even though I was fully submerged in the water, I felt the moisture pool between the soft petals of my sex, all slippery, waiting to be touched. I leaned into him, kissing his shoulders and neck and took hold of his manhood, which was very hot and hard, but smooth as silk. A sweet fragrance of male sexuality filled my nostrils, though I resisted the strong impulse to take him into my mouth that very second. I wanted to explore his body.

 

 

He grabbed my breasts and twisted my hard nipples. I pushed myself closer to him and his cock rested directly parallel against my stomach as I couldn't wait anymore. Steam rose over our bodies as I began to lick and tease his neck, his chest and ear lobe. We kissed, tongues pushing in and out of each others mouth. I could barely contain myself I pushed his hands down to feel my slippery pussy, which made him moan and whisper how wet I was for him. He laid back bringing me on top of him as he slide his swollen cock into me. I was straddling him as he lay there starring up at me while I leaned forward so that my breasts loomed over his face, my nipples so erect and tingling with anticipation.

 

 

I became acutely conscious of the smooth firmness of his chest against my breasts and bringing my legs together I could feel his slick and swollen cock moving a little further inside me. Squeezing my legs harder and rolling forward pushed him deeper into my canal. His pleasure pole was all the way inside I felt him into my stomach, without the slightest resistance, but as I applied more pressure, I felt him quiver underneath me pushing his hips up and forward as I pushed my hips down and firm to meet his thrusts. His face was so stunning and red from the hot water and arousal. I licked him all over. Lifting my hips, the thick organ slid in and out of me. Up and down I went, savoring the look of bliss on his face. After one of my upward moves, he suddenly pushed his cock deeper up into me at an angle that hit my G-spot, lifting my hips out of the water. He is so strong. I poised there and let him fuck me more rapidly as the water began to quake and he appeared to be approaching his climax. I felt my own mounting within my body too and as he tensed to cum, I let myself go, and was shaken by both my orgasm and his.

With that, we held onto each other, breathing hard and still the steam escaped off our bodies, clinging to one another. We let the water rock us slightly back and forth and our sexes still pulsed. He pulled out of me and moved to the back of me and laid me against his chest, my back to his firm chest. I felt like I was in heaven and wished that I could savor this moment forever. He smells so good, his arms wrapped around me made me feel so secure but the water started to cool down. We laid there a few more minutes and had to get out. We crawled our naked selves into the warm bed, and cuddled until we both fell into a deep calm sleep. This is what happiness feels like to me.

Hump Day Tip #2: Communication

If you are in a relationship with someone, whether it's friends, lovers, whatever, don't lose communication. It's a huge part of the relationship. When you close someone off, it puts people in a bad place and takes away all their power and gives the power all to you. This is bad, since in any relationship, the power should equal 50/50. That way no one feels bad about themselves.

If you do or say something wrong, you really need to apologize, and the other partner needs to accept it, but not necessarily forget it. Use it as a tool, a learning experience. But totally ignoring people is rude, even when you're busy as hell. A quick, sentence can ease the other person's mind and make things warm and fuzzy again.

So, my Hump Day Tip #2 is COMMUNICATION and it's paramount!