Something that we often forget is that we all play a role in the creation of the pain we experience, even if someone else is involved. We don't recognize that we volunteer for that pain. We show up for it. We tolerate it. Once we acknowledge our own contribution, the healing can begin. So stop nurturing the very things that hurt you.
#1. My Oldest Daughter: I must confront the simmering pain that she has caused me this past year. I am not saying I am without faults, but I seem to go all passive-aggressive when it comes to her. I say "it's OK" and "I've gotten over it" and "I've forgiven her" but in all actuality, I HAVE NOT!!! I miss her, I am angry she chose her BF over her family and still continues to be gone from the family like a fucking fart drifting in the wind! She don't come here, she don't visit, she don't even call me. Hell, she don't even fucking Facebook me anymore and you know what? I AM FUCKING HURT!!!!! I don't know if I will ever "get over" this!!!! I will take this to my grave!
#2. The Demise of My Marriage: I am so pissed off about this!!!! Because I put so much into this marriage. I have forgiven him so many times and I continue to take the abuse, even to this day! I am sick of this bullshit too! You have no idea what I put into this 17 year marriage!!!! Now I am losing my house in the process, which is also my #3 thing that hurt me.
Back to the marriage! I initiated any talk, sex, outing, ANYTHING! I started the marriage by proposing to him because I was pregnant. I, in a sense, did this to me!!! I sound like a big whiny crybaby, but, these things need to be said and validated. I tried and I tried and I tried so much more and I still come up short!
#3. We Are Losing the House: Yes, my big beautiful white house with the white picket fence I dreamed of and thought I'd die in is gonna be gone in a couple months. I can't obtain a mortgage. I put at least 25 GRAND into this house out of my inheritence and it's ALL GONE!!! I might as well take 25 Grand and burn it in my yard. No wait, that's illegal!!!! Well, to me, so is losing this house!!! We even paid $800 a month for 3 years and nothing to show for. I am so incredibily hurt about this. This too, I will take to my grave!
#4. Grandpa Who Abused Me: This is probably the biggest hurt of them all. Not the actual sexual abuse, although it did scar me. It was how my family treated and responed to it. The cover up! How one aunt tried to blacken my name in defense of her father. How she threatened me. I WILL NEVER GET OVER THAT, EVER!!! I may heal from the sexual abuse and for the most part, have. But it's her way of treating me, like I am some harlet lyar, is so hurtful and to blame me, for her father's illness and stress! If only I wasn't a scared little pussy and actually went to the police, with the eye witnesses, maybe I would have had some closure and validation and seeing him behind bars. Now, he is dead, and got away with it, is free and I have nightmares about it! My Mother finally admitted she knew this was going on, cause she witnessed it happening to her sisters, Mother and what I used to say as a child after visiting Grandpa and Grandma! That is just a small consolation.
#5. My Friends: Really aren't my friends. Maybe because I don't let them get too close to me, or maybe I get too close to them, then pull away and expect everything to be OK? I don't know? I sometimes have to force myself out of the house to visit my friends, sometimes I feel I don't deserve friends and at other times, I feel that I owe it to myself to make connections with people so I don't end up alone in 30 years. But they don't get me, and they don't understand me. I only speak to one person from group and he's a stretch!!! The jury is still out on him. I don't understand him as well as I may think I do. So I just leave it be and hope that maybe things can work out but they never do. Life goes on and I end up someone that they used to know.
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