The Day After and RIP Whitney Houston

Rest In Peace Whitney Houston

Whitney Houston was the first concert I went to as a kid with my Parents at Pine Knob. I wanted to name my first born daughter after her at the time. RIP, you will be missed, the talented Miss Whitney.

I just wanna Live!!!

The day after the desperate measures I'd taken is going MUCH better than I anticipated. I slept 14 hours and I woke to all 3 of my bathrooms squeaky clean. (I like the word Squeaky/Squeak, as it was my high school nickname)

Anyway, my 2 daughters that are left here cleaned the bathrooms, and washed the dishes, cleaned the living room and found some really nice sheets I hid in my son's room when D#1 and BF took my other really nice 1000 thread count bed sheets from me when they moved out.

All went well until the doorbell rang. I thought I locked the door and my son needed to come home from spending the night at his friends house. Nope, not him. It was D#1 and BF and they said they left some things. Some of the things they ALREADY GAVE TO D#1's siblings. She took the stuff and D#2 and D#3 are pissed and hurt. D#3 said Oh well we shouldn't expect anything less from them. She is 12 I might add. She's so perceptive. She said it was always about them and if it weren't everyone would pay. She knew more than I did, or I just ignored it. When I saw them, I wanted to cut again, but it wasn't nearly as strong as yesterday, it just felt like I needed a glass of wine to calm down or a Xanax, it was just a craving to do, not an oveerwhelming urge. They left very quickly, no meanness, no pleasantries, just like strangers being cordial to each other. I had tears in my eyes, that's all. My other 2 daughters and I held each other for a few minutes and we are OK. We are still waiting for son to come back. Soon to be ex is working. He called in yesterday cause of what happened.

About how I am feeling physically. I am, of course, sore. My arm hurts like a son of a bitch. I am hating on myself for doing that to me, cause I am paying the price again today. I also had over excess energy again, but not as much as I normally do, so I jogged for just an hour and clocked in about 5 miles at moderate speed. I feel uplifted but physically in pain and maybe still in a little shock. I look at my bandage that has dried blood soaked through, I can change my bandage tomorrow. It feels like my bandage is stuck to my arm and I am afraid that if I remove it, it will open up and bleed again. It will scare me. Stupidity on my part, just stupid, stupid, stupid!!!!!!! I wish I never done that. I am so angry at myself. I am not saying that I am better. I'm not! But I feel better than yesterday, I got exercise, and I am not having the urge to kill myself. I want to live. I ham on 15 MG of Ambien and 1 and half tabs of Klonpian. I am surpriszed I can even type. LOL Ima high!

I got an email from MA and of course, he had only nice things to say. But what else would he say? Anything else would put me into a worse depression, so of course he'd be nice!!! It is encouraging, but I am still so embarrassed to face him. I just am, anybody else but him. I can even face my therapist now. It's just him. WHY? I can't think about him right now. I need to concentrate on getting my head back in the game, but I just can't help it. I think of him often. He is, well, he just is! He's MA!!! He's my weakness, my Kryptonite, he's my friend and yes, I'm attached His beautiful face and kind nature got me through today. Well, anyway, back to what went on today.

Recap: I slept like a rock till this afternoon to a clean house and I ate good, healthy, I worked out, I blogged my feelings, I hugged the girls and Colin just got home as I am typing this. He's been gone the last 24 hours. He is cleaning his room and then shoveling the snow, we got more than I thought we would, about 6-8 inches of lake effect snow. I'm listening to Maroon 5 right now. I am stable but still uncertain of things. Can't think of the future still, only the here and now. I know MA asked to hang out on Tuesday, and I really want to, but facing him is out. I need to think about that the next couple days. If I do, I don't think I can look him in the eyes though. It might be therapeutic? I don't know. Hour by hour!!! Tomorrow is another day and will come when it gets here.