She's here, but she seems dead, at least inside. I wish I could copy and paste our conversation, but I will not give away our identities. D#1 has now resorted to extortion to get money from me. Over the weekend, I gave her money to burn 4 workout CD's for me. I paid her, I wanted her to have money on her, and let her feel useful while getting it. Something I wish I could do receiving mine. She said that the $25 wasn't enough, she wants more. Anyway, I told her that I'd like her to come over after school a couple times a week, and I'll drive her back, maybe we could go have dinner or coffee and catch up. I told her I could pay her $30 a week plus all her toiletries and personals. It's all I can afford now. Her response was that she will NOT be working here for me and that it's my responsibility to provide for her, which means, I'm providing for BF too. I even sent her a care package that day and made another one for her so her sister can give to her at school tomorrow. I promised her this and my word is gold. I am not going to not give it to her. I took a lot of time putting it together.
Now D#1 is saying that she was abused all her life and that BF finally is showing her what true love is. That her Dad, my parents and I all abused her and that if she has to sue us ALL to get money, she will do it. She has resorted to calling her Dad and I by our first names too. I am so brokenhearted. I feel like cutting again. I had that taste a couple weeks back after MONTHS from not cutting and I just want to cut, feel the blood drain out, it's so relaxing and the pain although at first is intense, it actually covers the mental pain and anguish I feel and it feels like it's draining the poison from my body, and I suck it out, the blood sometimes, and I know that is twisted, my blood tastes sweet, like some posion. I know it's an addiction and I know that they have AA, and OA. I wish they had CA for Cutters Anonymous.
Daughter is really breaking my heart. She feels like she died, but instead, she is walking the Earth, tormenting me. Cause she is here and I can't see her or have it be like it used to be. No more laughing and joking around, or comic relief. I am just sad. It will not be a good birthday tomorrow. Well, except for my one ray of shining light. MA!!! Don't get me wrong, my other 3 children will make it special, they are here, loving me, they didn't run away to be with their partners, thank God they don't have any yet, as I know of. But, I will be with MA tomorrow, and I am looking forward to it. If I had it my way, if I blow any candles this year, my wish is he would be my gift. Well, in a way, he is. Being his friend, is the best gift in the world. But if I had one wish, I'd be unwrapping him... LOL Well, I can't be greedy, he's my friend and my life would suck without him.
Well, I better try to get some rest. I need to get up early to take the youngins to school and workout. Oh, my rebounder I use to jog broke today. I had it 5 years and it got a good long workout and fulfilled it's purpose. I have another on order. This one is better and has all the bells and whistles so to speak. It's got a total body workout on it and DVD's, resistance bands, AB bar and pull up bar. I can do Pilates on it and well, it has a 4 year warrenty not to break. I will make full use of it,and if it breaks, it's fully 100% replaceable. I aim for long lean muscle and strength and tone and HEALTH!!! Plus, I can jog hard in place for over an hour a day :-) I can't wait till it comes.
Good night my fellow bloggers and I send my love to each of you, especially one special friend in particular.
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