Something that we often forget is that we all play a role in the creation of the pain we experience, even if someone else is involved. We don't recognize that we volunteer for that pain. We show up for it. We tolerate it. Once we acknowledge our own contribution, the healing can begin. So stop nurturing the very things that hurt you.
#1. My Oldest Daughter: I must confront the simmering pain that she has caused me this past year. I am not saying I am without faults, but I seem to go all passive-aggressive when it comes to her. I say "it's OK" and "I've gotten over it" and "I've forgiven her" but in all actuality, I HAVE NOT!!! I miss her, I am angry she chose her BF over her family and still continues to be gone from the family like a fucking fart drifting in the wind! She don't come here, she don't visit, she don't even call me. Hell, she don't even fucking Facebook me anymore and you know what? I AM FUCKING HURT!!!!! I don't know if I will ever "get over" this!!!! I will take this to my grave!
#2. The Demise of My Marriage: I am so pissed off about this!!!! Because I put so much into this marriage. I have forgiven him so many times and I continue to take the abuse, even to this day! I am sick of this bullshit too! You have no idea what I put into this 17 year marriage!!!! Now I am losing my house in the process, which is also my #3 thing that hurt me.
Back to the marriage! I initiated any talk, sex, outing, ANYTHING! I started the marriage by proposing to him because I was pregnant. I, in a sense, did this to me!!! I sound like a big whiny crybaby, but, these things need to be said and validated. I tried and I tried and I tried so much more and I still come up short!
#3. We Are Losing the House: Yes, my big beautiful white house with the white picket fence I dreamed of and thought I'd die in is gonna be gone in a couple months. I can't obtain a mortgage. I put at least 25 GRAND into this house out of my inheritence and it's ALL GONE!!! I might as well take 25 Grand and burn it in my yard. No wait, that's illegal!!!! Well, to me, so is losing this house!!! We even paid $800 a month for 3 years and nothing to show for. I am so incredibily hurt about this. This too, I will take to my grave!
#4. Grandpa Who Abused Me: This is probably the biggest hurt of them all. Not the actual sexual abuse, although it did scar me. It was how my family treated and responed to it. The cover up! How one aunt tried to blacken my name in defense of her father. How she threatened me. I WILL NEVER GET OVER THAT, EVER!!! I may heal from the sexual abuse and for the most part, have. But it's her way of treating me, like I am some harlet lyar, is so hurtful and to blame me, for her father's illness and stress! If only I wasn't a scared little pussy and actually went to the police, with the eye witnesses, maybe I would have had some closure and validation and seeing him behind bars. Now, he is dead, and got away with it, is free and I have nightmares about it! My Mother finally admitted she knew this was going on, cause she witnessed it happening to her sisters, Mother and what I used to say as a child after visiting Grandpa and Grandma! That is just a small consolation.
#5. My Friends: Really aren't my friends. Maybe because I don't let them get too close to me, or maybe I get too close to them, then pull away and expect everything to be OK? I don't know? I sometimes have to force myself out of the house to visit my friends, sometimes I feel I don't deserve friends and at other times, I feel that I owe it to myself to make connections with people so I don't end up alone in 30 years. But they don't get me, and they don't understand me. I only speak to one person from group and he's a stretch!!! The jury is still out on him. I don't understand him as well as I may think I do. So I just leave it be and hope that maybe things can work out but they never do. Life goes on and I end up someone that they used to know.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Scaredy Cat to Brave Lioness
I went upstairs over the weekend! :-) I cleaned up some more of my hoarding items like magazines, pens, papers, markers.... stuff that dried out and stuff that is irrelevent is going away, trashed, File 13.
I am proud of myself for overcoming my fear to go upstairs. I realize that when I move, it's less shit I have to move and I need to enjoy the last couple months of my apartment upstairs.
MA contacted me via text message to go for coffee on Tuesday. I haven't responded yet. First, I been busy cleaning upstairs. I been thinking as I been cleaning up there and am starting to feel paranoid about meeting up with him. For weeks, he blatantly ingnored me, then I asked him to meet up with me for coffee and there goes the saying "be careful what you wish for"!!!! So now, he wants to meet up. To say what to me? Why now? Well, looks like I will be having coffee with MA on Tuesday.
Back to cleaning......
I am proud of myself for overcoming my fear to go upstairs. I realize that when I move, it's less shit I have to move and I need to enjoy the last couple months of my apartment upstairs.
MA contacted me via text message to go for coffee on Tuesday. I haven't responded yet. First, I been busy cleaning upstairs. I been thinking as I been cleaning up there and am starting to feel paranoid about meeting up with him. For weeks, he blatantly ingnored me, then I asked him to meet up with me for coffee and there goes the saying "be careful what you wish for"!!!! So now, he wants to meet up. To say what to me? Why now? Well, looks like I will be having coffee with MA on Tuesday.
Back to cleaning......
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Scaredy Cat
The last new days I have been having a rough time. After losing the house, I got bitter and CRAZY, and went on a 4 day binge! I ate anything and everything. I am not happy to admit this. But I am happy to admit I am just a person, one person, who struggles with depression/mental illness, and am trying to deal with life, like, in a sense, everyone else is. I am trying to "stay on the wagon" and not go crazy again and overeat. At least I am not cutting!!!!!!!
I also think I lost my friend, MA. He is completely ignoring me. Well, I don't blame him. He is trying to get his life together and mine is falling apart even more. He's upset about the letter I wrote him. I think he should get over that!!!! Fine, he don't want to, I asked, he declined, move on!!! Whatever, there are no stupid questions, just stupid answer and responses to the questions. I am very forthcoming, and when I want something, I will ask, because the worst anyone can say is NO and you never know without asking! So, the answer is no, move on. Hate losing a friendship over that.
Anyway, now it's time to talk about my living arrangements. What upsets me more than anything is the house being let go come June, maybe July if Jason is nice. I keep thinking about all the work I done in the "apartment" upstairs that I won't be enjoying anymore. All the money my parents and I put into this house (50 grand we are losing, I might as well take 50 grand and put it in a pile and make a bon fire or smoke it...big $1000 bills, 50 of them) I used to like going up in there, my sanctuary, and now, I just can't bring myself to go up there. So I been wearing the same clothes over and over for the last week. I wash them, and put them back on again, and I have 2 pairs of PJ's I wear for when one set it dirty and when I wash my black ensemble. I can't get to my purfumes and makeup, I mean I have mascara, powder and lipstick in my purse down here and I been wearing that or going natural. I look good natural I think. Giving my face a break. I know I will have to go back up there at some point. It better be soon. FEAR it's a dibilitating thing!!! Fear and Love are the 2 most driving forces in human nature. I wish I had a better driving force!!!!!
Well my friends, I will let you know when I make it upstairs, or if you see me in anything other than what I am wearing, you'll know I made the trip "up there". I am afraid to see all that I will be missing. I will have to get rid of a lot of stuff to downsize too. I am too weak to look. Like a scary movie and I put the blanket over my face to protect from the carnage and unpredictable startle.
I also think I lost my friend, MA. He is completely ignoring me. Well, I don't blame him. He is trying to get his life together and mine is falling apart even more. He's upset about the letter I wrote him. I think he should get over that!!!! Fine, he don't want to, I asked, he declined, move on!!! Whatever, there are no stupid questions, just stupid answer and responses to the questions. I am very forthcoming, and when I want something, I will ask, because the worst anyone can say is NO and you never know without asking! So, the answer is no, move on. Hate losing a friendship over that.
Anyway, now it's time to talk about my living arrangements. What upsets me more than anything is the house being let go come June, maybe July if Jason is nice. I keep thinking about all the work I done in the "apartment" upstairs that I won't be enjoying anymore. All the money my parents and I put into this house (50 grand we are losing, I might as well take 50 grand and put it in a pile and make a bon fire or smoke it...big $1000 bills, 50 of them) I used to like going up in there, my sanctuary, and now, I just can't bring myself to go up there. So I been wearing the same clothes over and over for the last week. I wash them, and put them back on again, and I have 2 pairs of PJ's I wear for when one set it dirty and when I wash my black ensemble. I can't get to my purfumes and makeup, I mean I have mascara, powder and lipstick in my purse down here and I been wearing that or going natural. I look good natural I think. Giving my face a break. I know I will have to go back up there at some point. It better be soon. FEAR it's a dibilitating thing!!! Fear and Love are the 2 most driving forces in human nature. I wish I had a better driving force!!!!!
Well my friends, I will let you know when I make it upstairs, or if you see me in anything other than what I am wearing, you'll know I made the trip "up there". I am afraid to see all that I will be missing. I will have to get rid of a lot of stuff to downsize too. I am too weak to look. Like a scary movie and I put the blanket over my face to protect from the carnage and unpredictable startle.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
CHANGE!!!!!
Today, I am going to talk about CHANGE!!!! I don't like this new set up on my blog.
I am thinking about starting a "comedic" blog on my cat called "The Harlow Diaries"
My anonymous friend just made himself unanonymous. He will still always be MA and I will always be Anya on this blog, (for now) but the way I appraoch things and my blog will change.
Alot has been happening. I got rid of the PC virus. I got a body virus in it's place, a spring cold or flu but am well now. I went into a minor depressive state and binged ate for 2 days taking in 3,500 calories a day. I felt horrible. It was like an alcoholic falling "off the wagon" and I HATED myself for it and I just was uncomfortable. My pants got a little tight and I gained 11 pounds. Now, I didn't gain it all just by eating and overindulging. I work out HARD and I developed muscle. It's safe to say my legs are ripped and my arms are semi-ripped and my abs are getting firmer. However, muscle weighs more than fat, 4 times more, so that has a lot to do with the weight gain. So my 137 weight 2 weeks ago, well, add 11 pounds to that. UGGHHHH!!! But I am still fitting in a size 8, although it's a bit tight, I can put it on and button it up. That's good. I just have to realize that I made 2 mistakes and am back on the saddle again.
My friend/interest, has obviously turned me down. I gave him the letter and he just cut off all communication from me. So, I guess this means NO to the suggestion of our relationship trying to go physical. He's too insecure I think to try something like this now and he's afraid of getting hurt. I understand. He just hasn't gotten around to the concept that I'm not going anywhere anytime soon and therefore shouldn't be a factor. Good thing for me, I am patient and am giving him his time and space. I will email him once or maybe twice a week. I wrote him tonight. So, it will be interesting if he writes back. I still want to hang out with him and see movies, go for lunch and coffee. I am not putting any plan into action. I will just take things as they come. With MA, you just can't plan with him. It's either it will or won't happen and if he is resistant, NO ONE can change him. So don't bother trying. So, I will just wait and see what happens in the future. It will be fun to see what happens and I like how we never plan anything. I wasn't planning on holding his hand in the theater the last time we went. I liked touching his pants and his skin at the knee and he went to touch my hand. That, is a bonus :-) Anyway, I do miss him!
The trampoline is 6 weeks on backorder. It's a good size 15 footer with enclosure. Can't wait to get this. I have a feeling I won't be getting off it and will probably drop more weight. I love keeping active. It's fun and it helps so I don't cut anymore. I do think about food more than I should, so I did take some TrimSpa, and it's NOT working so I am not gonna bother finishing the bottle. It's not worth it. Nothing in there will hurt me!!!! So, maybe I might consider finishing it. Wishy washy huh? I had slightly more energy but I still wanted to eat like a cow!!!!
Well, I finished with my bedding. I cleaned my upstairs apartment up, no more food all over the floor in boxes. I tossed so many magazines I been hoarding. I am a hoarder. I keep thinking that I will need these things. I am saving the recipes mags but other than that, all else is trashed. Clutter GONE!!! CHANGE! CHANGE! CHANGE! I have 2 large open rooms now and all my things are upstairs. I feel free and liberated.
Well, this is all for now. I took a little break, needed to rethink my path on this blog and if I want to expose myself. For now, I am chosing not to. In the future, I may reveal who I am. I don't have many followers as I have drive by readers/lurkers.
Have a good night!
Anya!
I am thinking about starting a "comedic" blog on my cat called "The Harlow Diaries"
My anonymous friend just made himself unanonymous. He will still always be MA and I will always be Anya on this blog, (for now) but the way I appraoch things and my blog will change.
Alot has been happening. I got rid of the PC virus. I got a body virus in it's place, a spring cold or flu but am well now. I went into a minor depressive state and binged ate for 2 days taking in 3,500 calories a day. I felt horrible. It was like an alcoholic falling "off the wagon" and I HATED myself for it and I just was uncomfortable. My pants got a little tight and I gained 11 pounds. Now, I didn't gain it all just by eating and overindulging. I work out HARD and I developed muscle. It's safe to say my legs are ripped and my arms are semi-ripped and my abs are getting firmer. However, muscle weighs more than fat, 4 times more, so that has a lot to do with the weight gain. So my 137 weight 2 weeks ago, well, add 11 pounds to that. UGGHHHH!!! But I am still fitting in a size 8, although it's a bit tight, I can put it on and button it up. That's good. I just have to realize that I made 2 mistakes and am back on the saddle again.
My friend/interest, has obviously turned me down. I gave him the letter and he just cut off all communication from me. So, I guess this means NO to the suggestion of our relationship trying to go physical. He's too insecure I think to try something like this now and he's afraid of getting hurt. I understand. He just hasn't gotten around to the concept that I'm not going anywhere anytime soon and therefore shouldn't be a factor. Good thing for me, I am patient and am giving him his time and space. I will email him once or maybe twice a week. I wrote him tonight. So, it will be interesting if he writes back. I still want to hang out with him and see movies, go for lunch and coffee. I am not putting any plan into action. I will just take things as they come. With MA, you just can't plan with him. It's either it will or won't happen and if he is resistant, NO ONE can change him. So don't bother trying. So, I will just wait and see what happens in the future. It will be fun to see what happens and I like how we never plan anything. I wasn't planning on holding his hand in the theater the last time we went. I liked touching his pants and his skin at the knee and he went to touch my hand. That, is a bonus :-) Anyway, I do miss him!
The trampoline is 6 weeks on backorder. It's a good size 15 footer with enclosure. Can't wait to get this. I have a feeling I won't be getting off it and will probably drop more weight. I love keeping active. It's fun and it helps so I don't cut anymore. I do think about food more than I should, so I did take some TrimSpa, and it's NOT working so I am not gonna bother finishing the bottle. It's not worth it. Nothing in there will hurt me!!!! So, maybe I might consider finishing it. Wishy washy huh? I had slightly more energy but I still wanted to eat like a cow!!!!
Well, I finished with my bedding. I cleaned my upstairs apartment up, no more food all over the floor in boxes. I tossed so many magazines I been hoarding. I am a hoarder. I keep thinking that I will need these things. I am saving the recipes mags but other than that, all else is trashed. Clutter GONE!!! CHANGE! CHANGE! CHANGE! I have 2 large open rooms now and all my things are upstairs. I feel free and liberated.
Well, this is all for now. I took a little break, needed to rethink my path on this blog and if I want to expose myself. For now, I am chosing not to. In the future, I may reveal who I am. I don't have many followers as I have drive by readers/lurkers.
Have a good night!
Anya!
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Why Do People Steal?
It saddens me to no end, that people steal from others, especially from unfortunate people. It saddens me that some people go through great lengths to get free, unearned income. Now, I myself, am guilty of ACCEPTING money from Daddy, but I don't steal. I don't sit at home and make up trojans that hack into peoples accounts and steal from them.
This is what happened. I had $177.80 in my account and now I am -127.77 and I want to know WHO THE FUCK TOOK IT???? It was that Malware my Brother-in-Law told me to get. No, he didn't say what brand or one to get, I assumed with a google check and WikipediaSecurity that it was legit. Well, I gave my credit card number and within a couple days my account was compromised. Now, I have to borrow against May's check to pay off all the $37.00 service charges to the bank. YES, readers, even though I am disputing the charges, I am STILL REQUIRED TO PAY!!!! It may take months of investigation to get my money back, but for now, it's bye-bye almost $300.00 and I am lucky I went to the store to buy kitty litter cause I never would have found out my debit CC didn't have sufficent funds in it. I WAS FUCKING PISSED!!!!
So, I ask, why the hell would someone steal from someone? They didn't earn their money, they plotted, hacked, and spent all that time and energy to steal from someone when I am sure they have the beast skills to get a legit job somewhere making real money!!!
Shame on you hackers, you bastard muther fuckers!!! (GAWD, I GOT THAT OFF MY CHEST)
I am still pissed but I at least feel better!
Lastly, in my health update. I had more bloodwork today for my A1C, Lipid Panel, and the whole 9 yards of...do I have enough Vitamin D, or too much Potassium and is my Liver working right and is my cancer still in remission? Yes, I get cancer screening blood tests from previous breast cancer and cervical cancer (don't have a cervix now, but I worry about the ladies and my lymph nodes and also yes, I know, they aren't fool proof and can be false positives or false negatives, but I at least get an idea where I stand in cancer and inflammation in my body. I will know in 2 WEEKS!!! So far my fasting bloodsugar has been between 71 at it lowest and 89 at it's highest for the last few months :-) I am proud of this.
G'nite my lovely readers!!!
OH, and run lots of virus scans!!!
This is what happened. I had $177.80 in my account and now I am -127.77 and I want to know WHO THE FUCK TOOK IT???? It was that Malware my Brother-in-Law told me to get. No, he didn't say what brand or one to get, I assumed with a google check and WikipediaSecurity that it was legit. Well, I gave my credit card number and within a couple days my account was compromised. Now, I have to borrow against May's check to pay off all the $37.00 service charges to the bank. YES, readers, even though I am disputing the charges, I am STILL REQUIRED TO PAY!!!! It may take months of investigation to get my money back, but for now, it's bye-bye almost $300.00 and I am lucky I went to the store to buy kitty litter cause I never would have found out my debit CC didn't have sufficent funds in it. I WAS FUCKING PISSED!!!!
So, I ask, why the hell would someone steal from someone? They didn't earn their money, they plotted, hacked, and spent all that time and energy to steal from someone when I am sure they have the beast skills to get a legit job somewhere making real money!!!
Shame on you hackers, you bastard muther fuckers!!! (GAWD, I GOT THAT OFF MY CHEST)
I am still pissed but I at least feel better!
Lastly, in my health update. I had more bloodwork today for my A1C, Lipid Panel, and the whole 9 yards of...do I have enough Vitamin D, or too much Potassium and is my Liver working right and is my cancer still in remission? Yes, I get cancer screening blood tests from previous breast cancer and cervical cancer (don't have a cervix now, but I worry about the ladies and my lymph nodes and also yes, I know, they aren't fool proof and can be false positives or false negatives, but I at least get an idea where I stand in cancer and inflammation in my body. I will know in 2 WEEKS!!! So far my fasting bloodsugar has been between 71 at it lowest and 89 at it's highest for the last few months :-) I am proud of this.
G'nite my lovely readers!!!
OH, and run lots of virus scans!!!
Movies, Friends, and Texting While Driving Oh MY!!!!
The one thing that is my pet peeve is people who text while driving. GRRR!!! It drives me crazy!!! It takes me back to living back in the old trailer park on the east side of the state and had people speed so fast down the streets, texting, on the phone or just not paying attention. So once, a bunch of us neighbors got together, because we all had small children and we decided to scare the fuck outta some of these bastards. We hid behind my old minivan and threw a realistic baby at the car. OK, this isn't wise and it's downright stupid I might add, but, we were desperate and it definately got their attention. One, being a 17 year old girl who slammed on the brakes, screamed and got out of the car and just cried to the point she needed to call her parents to come and get her cause she was too traumatized to drive home the next block over. There was the lady at the bus stop, who was tired of the speeders and the people who didn't stop for the red light of the bus and stop sign (another pet peeve of mine) and she walked in front of the car, pounded on the hood, NO, that woman was NOT me, but she scared the hell outta some people. She was an ass kicker and someone I miss dearly.
Anyway, I seen 21 Jump Street with MA and I LOVED the movie. I laughed like I haven't in a long while. He smelled good, his fabric softner was MMMM and I couldn't resist touching his leg. He ended up holding my hand, which was unexpected but nice. He has very warm hands. We had a few laughs together. I gave him "the letter"!!! The one I've been holding onto for over a month. I feel the need to ask for what I want and maybe work on a little "therapy" a new type of therapy? One that I hope he takes some time to really think about, something that COULD be beneficial. Anyway, I gave it to him. I wrote about the letter a few plus weeks ago and I finally got the nerve to give it to him, because, well, I'm not getting any younger here!!!
Goodnight my Readers, I shall post when something new happens, or if I am struck by an important point I can't pass up!
Anyway, I seen 21 Jump Street with MA and I LOVED the movie. I laughed like I haven't in a long while. He smelled good, his fabric softner was MMMM and I couldn't resist touching his leg. He ended up holding my hand, which was unexpected but nice. He has very warm hands. We had a few laughs together. I gave him "the letter"!!! The one I've been holding onto for over a month. I feel the need to ask for what I want and maybe work on a little "therapy" a new type of therapy? One that I hope he takes some time to really think about, something that COULD be beneficial. Anyway, I gave it to him. I wrote about the letter a few plus weeks ago and I finally got the nerve to give it to him, because, well, I'm not getting any younger here!!!
Goodnight my Readers, I shall post when something new happens, or if I am struck by an important point I can't pass up!
Thursday, April 5, 2012
The Splendor of a Sound Mind
I must say, over the past 3 months, I've really taken control of my life and improved on every level of existence. I feel great! I am working on my body, mind, spirit and soul. I have been exercising for a couple hours (at least) a day, along with some short walks with the kids or dog after meals to get my digestive system working properly. I have been working on thinking with my Wise Mind instead of my Emotional Mind, although, I do display some emotion, I am not ruled my it. The walks in nature feed my spirit and my prayers soothe my soul. I am feeling complete!
I finally have 100% of my things upstairs in my rooms. I no longer have to go into the master bedroom unless I want to. This has liberated me and made me feel in control. Now if I can be financially independent, I would feel a whole lot better about myself. Also, if I lost a little more weight (the belly bulge, droopy boobs and a flat butt are bothering me) I am happy that I have toned arms, and legs. I purchased a DVD/Book Combo on Looking Better Naked. It's based on eating right (lots of fruits and veggies and MUFAS) and doing full body cardio, with strength training and using your own body weight as resistance, like in Pilates. I was a former Pilates junkie in my day and it's all coming back to me now.
I also have come to peace with my oldest daughter leaving the house to live with her boyfriend. They adopted a pet rat and are raising it. I am happy for them. I am at peace with them. I am at peace with a lot of things, such as the end of my marriage and still living here with him. I am choosing my moves wisely as in Chess. I calculate my risks before I proceed. Which means, I actually THINK before doing or saying something. This is why, I haven't given MA my letter I wrote many weeks ago. I don't think he'd like it, and I already put it out there what I want from him, it's his choice to reciprocate. His Chess move now. I am not asking to be his GF, he don't want one, I don't want a steady boyfriend. I like seeing him, but I also would like to try and get physical with him. This is a huge issue for him. I believe he relayed his fear and anxiety on his performance and the size of his goodies and whether the medication he is taking will inhibit his being able to perform in a way that would please a woman and himself. I feel that he's not giving it a chance. Not every woman would be so judgemental. Many women would enjoy the practice and would have patience with him. He just has to give them a chance. It doesn't always have to be that difficult. But I suppose he just isn't ready and you can't make someone do something they don't want to do, especially sex. It's legally and morally wrong.
So, the point is, I left it out there, he KNOWS! I just have to wait and see if he will come to terms with his issues. I am happy that I have. I work hard on my body, my life and my spirit. It takes a lot of grueling work, but it's worth it in the end, to have the confidence and self love. I didn't think I'd get this far, and I certainly never thought I'd say, I am starting to LIKE my body!!!! I used to hate it. I put a lot of time and effort in it and I am going to enjoy it. Right now, I am enjoying dressing it up. There are still lots of work to do, but I have a huge solid foundation to start and that makes me happy.
Come on my journey with me!
I finally have 100% of my things upstairs in my rooms. I no longer have to go into the master bedroom unless I want to. This has liberated me and made me feel in control. Now if I can be financially independent, I would feel a whole lot better about myself. Also, if I lost a little more weight (the belly bulge, droopy boobs and a flat butt are bothering me) I am happy that I have toned arms, and legs. I purchased a DVD/Book Combo on Looking Better Naked. It's based on eating right (lots of fruits and veggies and MUFAS) and doing full body cardio, with strength training and using your own body weight as resistance, like in Pilates. I was a former Pilates junkie in my day and it's all coming back to me now.
I also have come to peace with my oldest daughter leaving the house to live with her boyfriend. They adopted a pet rat and are raising it. I am happy for them. I am at peace with them. I am at peace with a lot of things, such as the end of my marriage and still living here with him. I am choosing my moves wisely as in Chess. I calculate my risks before I proceed. Which means, I actually THINK before doing or saying something. This is why, I haven't given MA my letter I wrote many weeks ago. I don't think he'd like it, and I already put it out there what I want from him, it's his choice to reciprocate. His Chess move now. I am not asking to be his GF, he don't want one, I don't want a steady boyfriend. I like seeing him, but I also would like to try and get physical with him. This is a huge issue for him. I believe he relayed his fear and anxiety on his performance and the size of his goodies and whether the medication he is taking will inhibit his being able to perform in a way that would please a woman and himself. I feel that he's not giving it a chance. Not every woman would be so judgemental. Many women would enjoy the practice and would have patience with him. He just has to give them a chance. It doesn't always have to be that difficult. But I suppose he just isn't ready and you can't make someone do something they don't want to do, especially sex. It's legally and morally wrong.
So, the point is, I left it out there, he KNOWS! I just have to wait and see if he will come to terms with his issues. I am happy that I have. I work hard on my body, my life and my spirit. It takes a lot of grueling work, but it's worth it in the end, to have the confidence and self love. I didn't think I'd get this far, and I certainly never thought I'd say, I am starting to LIKE my body!!!! I used to hate it. I put a lot of time and effort in it and I am going to enjoy it. Right now, I am enjoying dressing it up. There are still lots of work to do, but I have a huge solid foundation to start and that makes me happy.
Come on my journey with me!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Splendor of Something New
I am going through some good transformations.
First, My energy level is beyond supersonic! I have been working out 3 hours a day. Instead of eating on the couch watching TV, I run and jump and lift arm weights on my Rebounder. This makes me so relaxed after and I feel a sense of calmness. I look forward to working out and I am eating MUCH healthier. I want to learn new exercises and push my body to it's fullest potential I know it can do.
Secondly, I seen MA for lunch. It was a nice visit. A little awkward at first since it has been a while since I seen him. I didn't give him my letter I wrote him. What would be the point? Right?
Third, I went to my first new DBT group, because I was kicked out of my Thursday group. I HATE TUESDAY GROUP!!!!!! Think 12 women, most 65-80, one in a walker, the other 300 pounds of spunk and the other that doesn't know what she is doing, and NONE OF THEM HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON WITH ME! Only 1 younger person, 48. I am the youngest. Not even my man therapist was there. This is a strictly a women's group, no men allowed. Men are, to me, talked in a negative light. I MISS MY OLD GROUP, MY OLD FRIENDS!!!! But I am forced to be in this group, plus, if I want to see MA, legally, without getting any of us in trouble, it has to be this way.
Over and all, I love my new attitude on life. I love my new body. I lost 53 pounds and have so much energy and am light on my feet. I take a walk too, (weather permitting) after everything I eat, to help digest things along and that works too. My head is clear! I sleep sounder and here's the real benefit...... I am not really depressed!!! I take things MUCH better and very Wiseminded. I think better and therefore, I respond better. I AM BETTER!!!!
Until then my Dear Readers....
First, My energy level is beyond supersonic! I have been working out 3 hours a day. Instead of eating on the couch watching TV, I run and jump and lift arm weights on my Rebounder. This makes me so relaxed after and I feel a sense of calmness. I look forward to working out and I am eating MUCH healthier. I want to learn new exercises and push my body to it's fullest potential I know it can do.
Secondly, I seen MA for lunch. It was a nice visit. A little awkward at first since it has been a while since I seen him. I didn't give him my letter I wrote him. What would be the point? Right?
Third, I went to my first new DBT group, because I was kicked out of my Thursday group. I HATE TUESDAY GROUP!!!!!! Think 12 women, most 65-80, one in a walker, the other 300 pounds of spunk and the other that doesn't know what she is doing, and NONE OF THEM HAVE ANYTHING IN COMMON WITH ME! Only 1 younger person, 48. I am the youngest. Not even my man therapist was there. This is a strictly a women's group, no men allowed. Men are, to me, talked in a negative light. I MISS MY OLD GROUP, MY OLD FRIENDS!!!! But I am forced to be in this group, plus, if I want to see MA, legally, without getting any of us in trouble, it has to be this way.
Over and all, I love my new attitude on life. I love my new body. I lost 53 pounds and have so much energy and am light on my feet. I take a walk too, (weather permitting) after everything I eat, to help digest things along and that works too. My head is clear! I sleep sounder and here's the real benefit...... I am not really depressed!!! I take things MUCH better and very Wiseminded. I think better and therefore, I respond better. I AM BETTER!!!!
Until then my Dear Readers....
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