Scaredy Cat

The last new days I have been having a rough time. After losing the house, I got bitter and CRAZY, and went on a 4 day binge! I ate anything and everything. I am not happy to admit this. But I am happy to admit I am just a person, one person, who struggles with depression/mental illness, and am trying to deal with life, like, in a sense, everyone else is. I am trying to "stay on the wagon" and not go crazy again and overeat. At least I am not cutting!!!!!!!

I also think I  lost my friend, MA. He is completely ignoring me. Well, I don't blame him. He is trying to get his life together and mine is falling apart even more. He's upset about the letter I wrote him. I think he should get over that!!!! Fine, he don't want to, I asked, he declined, move on!!! Whatever, there are no stupid questions, just stupid answer and responses to the questions. I am very forthcoming, and when I want something, I will ask, because the worst anyone can say is NO and you never know without asking! So, the answer is no, move on. Hate losing a friendship over that.

Anyway, now it's time to talk about my living arrangements. What upsets me more than anything is the house being let go come June, maybe July if Jason is nice. I keep thinking about all the work I done in the "apartment" upstairs that I won't be enjoying anymore. All the money my parents and I put into this house (50 grand we are losing, I might as well take 50 grand and put it in a pile and make a bon fire or smoke it...big $1000 bills, 50 of them)  I used to like going up in there, my sanctuary, and now, I just can't bring myself to go up there. So I been wearing the same clothes over and over for the last week. I wash them, and put them back on again, and I have 2 pairs of PJ's I wear for when one set it dirty and when I wash my black ensemble. I can't get to my purfumes and makeup, I mean I have mascara, powder and lipstick in my purse down here and I been wearing that or going natural. I look good natural I think. Giving my face a break. I know I will have to go back up there at some point. It better be soon. FEAR it's a dibilitating thing!!! Fear and Love are the 2 most driving forces in human nature. I wish I had a better driving force!!!!!

Well my friends, I will let you know when I make it upstairs, or if you see me in anything other than what I am wearing, you'll know I made the trip "up there". I am afraid to see all that I will be missing. I will have to get rid of a lot of stuff to downsize too. I am too weak to look. Like a scary movie and I put the blanket over my face to protect from the carnage and unpredictable startle.