Today, I haven't been feeling good. I slept most of the day. I felt like I was in some coma or something. I just couldn't move or wake up. To be honest, I felt what it would feel like to be drugged!!! Scary, that amount of lethargy. I am coughing and sneezing again. Why do I keep getting sick? I work out, I eat right. Maybe not as much as I should but I eat more than I did. I am eating nuts like Brazil Nuts, Walnuts and Almonds in place of meat. I eat more veggies and fruit. I don't get it?
Anyway, the Splendor of a new day is about Daughter #1. We talked today and it was a GREAT conversation. I hope I am not making more out of it and getting my hopes up, but she was so nice to me and I seen love in her eyes and my heart opened up. I wanted to reach out and hug her. (I don't want to get her sick though) I miss her so much! I hope in the summer, I can pick her up and take her to a movie. I want a relationship with my girl and today, was the FIRST day in a LONG LONG time that I felt hopeful. She even made Lizzie a cute Penguwin picture. She is an amazing drawer and she did wonderful on this picture. Lizzie was so happy, she was showing everyone the picture and bragging her sister drew it.
Lord, let this be a turning point. Yes, the Splendor of a New Day in many ways!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
The Splendor of Learning From Disappointment
This is a metaphor, my lesson. I go to buy a book on handling disappointment and when it arrives in the box, I open it to see that it's empty. A learning lesson? Yes, this is how I handle daily disappointments and how no one can help me, but myself.
I exercise, and walk to pick the kids up from school, I lift weights, and I eat healthy good stuff. I notice a huge difference in handleing my disappointments are better. Although they still sting and hurt, the pain hurts less. I am growing a maturing. Being the LAST cousin to know what my cousin is having (a girl) hurt. It means I am not close or considered important enough, especialy since she contacted 3 of my other cousins first privately. That is fine. I can handle it. That baby is a special baby and will be blessed with love and gifts from 2nd cousin me :-) I WILL turn the other cheek.
Dealing with daughter #1, I feel disappoinment that I can't enjoy movies with her, our private jokes and going to McDonald's even for a shake or cone. All gone. No more fun and I miss her. I must deal with disappointment properly. I have a wonderful book by Melody Beattie that has been a life savor. I read and write in the book and I learn so much on how to cope. I AM COPING!!!!!
I exercise, and walk to pick the kids up from school, I lift weights, and I eat healthy good stuff. I notice a huge difference in handleing my disappointments are better. Although they still sting and hurt, the pain hurts less. I am growing a maturing. Being the LAST cousin to know what my cousin is having (a girl) hurt. It means I am not close or considered important enough, especialy since she contacted 3 of my other cousins first privately. That is fine. I can handle it. That baby is a special baby and will be blessed with love and gifts from 2nd cousin me :-) I WILL turn the other cheek.
Dealing with daughter #1, I feel disappoinment that I can't enjoy movies with her, our private jokes and going to McDonald's even for a shake or cone. All gone. No more fun and I miss her. I must deal with disappointment properly. I have a wonderful book by Melody Beattie that has been a life savor. I read and write in the book and I learn so much on how to cope. I AM COPING!!!!!
Monday, March 26, 2012
The Splendor of Being Risen Again!!!!
I'm BAAACK!!! OK, this is the scoop! I REMOVED the damaging stuff and pictures. No more personal pictures will be placed on my blog. No more cutting (which I have overcome and am proud of it). If I happened to feel suicidal, I will call the 1-800-number and/or call my therapist. If I write about it, it doesn't mean I am going to kill myself, unless it says, "I'm going to kill myself" and I can tell you, my dear readers I WILL NOT KILL MYSELF!!!!
First of all, this is an ANONYMOUS BLOG, and some people, hacked into my blog and then reported me. They thought they were helping, but really, it was a ploy to get certain things from me, almost like extortion. I can talk about this now, because my CPS case is CLOSED!!! I also looked into my rights and whether I have to REALLY delete my awesome blog and NO, I DO NOT!!!! I have legal rights, People!!! FREEDOM OF SPEECH REALLY DOES EXIST!!!!
Although, I posted scary pictures of my cutting, that will not be done again. Even though it IS freedom of speech, I will not post such pictures. The fact that this is an anonymous blog, I should have known better. But some people are truly wolves in sheeps clothing and prey on people who are going through tough times to get what they want. Some people are cohorced into doing things against their own loved ones because someone else said to do it. I know I have an enemy in D#1's BF. But, I am FORGIVING HIM. Because it takes a real person to forgive, and you obtain freedom from the chains of anger. It ties you down. Hatred is like burning your own house down to get rid of the rat. I will not do that. I will be the stronger person and I will forgive. If my daughter wants to come back home, she is welcome to. If she wants to visit, with her boyfriend or fiance, she can. Doors are ALWAYS open, even though I signed guardian papers to some one else. She WILL ALWAYS BE MY DAUGHTER, and that is why I am paying her once of month until she is 18. After she is 18, and if she needs help, I will NOT turn my back on her.
Right now, I am getting a pretty raw deal. I am being disrespected and hurt. But you don't see this woman cutting or burying my head. I went and ASKED people about my rights. I love blogging. The last month without blogging was painful. But I got a lot of soul searching and exercising in. I now weigh in at 137.9 (from doctor's office) I am VERY proud of my active lifestyle and even banning 4 hoved foods. I will eat fish and chicken or turkey but if it got 4 legs, I don't eat it. I feel 100% better because of it. Maybe I will venture out into being a true 100% vegan, but baby steps, remember.
I haven't been going on FB as much either. I know I have to update a lot of people on the good news. I am also standing up for myself.
I know I was a GOOD MOTHER!!! Maybe she wants to just remember the bad times and in every family, there are bad times, but I choose to remember the good times. She may be angry now and I will validate that. I may not have any rights to her and can't see her, but in my heart I see her and how it used to be.
I done the best I can for her and all my children. I sacrificed a lot, and drove them, all of them around, and done things no respecting parent would allow to go on in this house. I want to thank my daughter and her BF/fiance!!! Because they laid the ground rules for the other 3 children. I am watching the warning signs, I am being stricter, and I learned a new word. OMG!!! Wanna hear it? It's short! it's called NO!!!!! Yeah, they all may get upset with me for saying no to them now, but they aren't as mad as I THOUGHT they'd be. I got a better handle on my children. What a lesson my oldest daughter and her lovely BF/Fiance have given me. I needed a good swift kick in the ass to get my head on right. I love my kids. They will not be taken away from me. They are staying home with me, where they have unconditional love, shelter, food, clothes, and all the freedoms proper children THEIR AGE get. If they don't like it, they can always go the route of daughter #1. But each expressed they didn't want to end up like that, that they would miss me. I wish my daughter #1 would miss me, but in time, when she grows up to get married and have her own children and then she will know what it's like to raise children and how hurt you'd become when you are disrespected after all you've done for them. But that is OK, because each is a life lesson.
So, I will leave you with this, and a positive GOOD NIGHT!!! I am BACK on my blog. I love my blog and you will all know the happenings here and how I handle them. You will be happy and elated to know, to know I am handling my life in a mature, adult way. I grew up! It feels good to be 39 years old. Not scary at all.
Until then......
Anya
First of all, this is an ANONYMOUS BLOG, and some people, hacked into my blog and then reported me. They thought they were helping, but really, it was a ploy to get certain things from me, almost like extortion. I can talk about this now, because my CPS case is CLOSED!!! I also looked into my rights and whether I have to REALLY delete my awesome blog and NO, I DO NOT!!!! I have legal rights, People!!! FREEDOM OF SPEECH REALLY DOES EXIST!!!!
Although, I posted scary pictures of my cutting, that will not be done again. Even though it IS freedom of speech, I will not post such pictures. The fact that this is an anonymous blog, I should have known better. But some people are truly wolves in sheeps clothing and prey on people who are going through tough times to get what they want. Some people are cohorced into doing things against their own loved ones because someone else said to do it. I know I have an enemy in D#1's BF. But, I am FORGIVING HIM. Because it takes a real person to forgive, and you obtain freedom from the chains of anger. It ties you down. Hatred is like burning your own house down to get rid of the rat. I will not do that. I will be the stronger person and I will forgive. If my daughter wants to come back home, she is welcome to. If she wants to visit, with her boyfriend or fiance, she can. Doors are ALWAYS open, even though I signed guardian papers to some one else. She WILL ALWAYS BE MY DAUGHTER, and that is why I am paying her once of month until she is 18. After she is 18, and if she needs help, I will NOT turn my back on her.
Right now, I am getting a pretty raw deal. I am being disrespected and hurt. But you don't see this woman cutting or burying my head. I went and ASKED people about my rights. I love blogging. The last month without blogging was painful. But I got a lot of soul searching and exercising in. I now weigh in at 137.9 (from doctor's office) I am VERY proud of my active lifestyle and even banning 4 hoved foods. I will eat fish and chicken or turkey but if it got 4 legs, I don't eat it. I feel 100% better because of it. Maybe I will venture out into being a true 100% vegan, but baby steps, remember.
I haven't been going on FB as much either. I know I have to update a lot of people on the good news. I am also standing up for myself.
I know I was a GOOD MOTHER!!! Maybe she wants to just remember the bad times and in every family, there are bad times, but I choose to remember the good times. She may be angry now and I will validate that. I may not have any rights to her and can't see her, but in my heart I see her and how it used to be.
I done the best I can for her and all my children. I sacrificed a lot, and drove them, all of them around, and done things no respecting parent would allow to go on in this house. I want to thank my daughter and her BF/fiance!!! Because they laid the ground rules for the other 3 children. I am watching the warning signs, I am being stricter, and I learned a new word. OMG!!! Wanna hear it? It's short! it's called NO!!!!! Yeah, they all may get upset with me for saying no to them now, but they aren't as mad as I THOUGHT they'd be. I got a better handle on my children. What a lesson my oldest daughter and her lovely BF/Fiance have given me. I needed a good swift kick in the ass to get my head on right. I love my kids. They will not be taken away from me. They are staying home with me, where they have unconditional love, shelter, food, clothes, and all the freedoms proper children THEIR AGE get. If they don't like it, they can always go the route of daughter #1. But each expressed they didn't want to end up like that, that they would miss me. I wish my daughter #1 would miss me, but in time, when she grows up to get married and have her own children and then she will know what it's like to raise children and how hurt you'd become when you are disrespected after all you've done for them. But that is OK, because each is a life lesson.
So, I will leave you with this, and a positive GOOD NIGHT!!! I am BACK on my blog. I love my blog and you will all know the happenings here and how I handle them. You will be happy and elated to know, to know I am handling my life in a mature, adult way. I grew up! It feels good to be 39 years old. Not scary at all.
Until then......
Anya
Friday, March 2, 2012
Sadly, this MUST be my last blog!!!!!!!
I am forced to shut down my blog because CPS was called and paid me a visit today. My freedom of speech doesn't exist when you have children. My children come first so this blog is now in the process of being shut down. I am going to the store to pick up a flash drive so I can keep some of my best work. I also want to say that cutting is irresponsible and wrong and that I will NEVER attempt suicide. I promised the CPS worker that I will try my best to NEVER cut again. I want my children to always be with me. I love my children more than I love myself. THEY COME FIRST. So, if I feel the need to cut, I will call the CMH 1-800 number. I realize that I am being watched under a microscope and am being critiqued. That includes "sex talk or sex toys" in which I got in trouble for that as well. So I can't discuss sex or sex toys.
So this is an official apology if I offended anyone. I guess I wanted to be validated and I can't write about these kinds of personal things anyway. I am officially SHUT DOWN!!!!!
Some things, like children are MORE IMPORTANT than my own needs. Thank you for reading this and again, I apologize if I offended or upset anyone. I care about you!
So this is an official apology if I offended anyone. I guess I wanted to be validated and I can't write about these kinds of personal things anyway. I am officially SHUT DOWN!!!!!
Some things, like children are MORE IMPORTANT than my own needs. Thank you for reading this and again, I apologize if I offended or upset anyone. I care about you!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Splendor of a Depressed Woman
You may want to know what is so splendorful about being depressed? It certainly is not magnificent, or brilliant, or grand. However, overcoming depression, from being so low is magnificent, brilliant and grand. I am sensing a pattern here. Bipolar 2!!! My Shrink DOES NOT see this. Still says that I have PTSD, with Anxiety and Unipolar. I don't want to doubt my shrink who went to school years and years for this, but I have to tell you, I think he is overworked and overwelmed by so many patients. He sees me for maybe 3-5 minutes, charges my insurance or the state $120 bucks and he doesn't know the real me. I have patterns. I have triggers that tell me how my day is going to go.
If people talk to me, and want to go out to the movies, or coffee or dinner. I am going to have a happy day. If people give me positive reenforcement, I have a good day. If I feel and I use the term loosely "loved and validated" I am going to have a good day. Now, if I am ignored, treated poorly and stressed, missing someone, or many people, not feeling "loved or validated" I have depressed days. So what does that makes me? A people sponge? I can't make myself happy? Is that what is really going on. I must be Psychosocial. I know the song by Slipknot and I love it, but it really is a disorder. I looked on *Wikipedia.
*For a concept to be psychosocial means it relates to one's psychological development in, and interaction with, a social environment. The individual needs not be fully aware of this relationship with his or her environment. It was first commonly used by psychologist Erik Erikson in his stages of social development. Contrasted with social psychology, which attempts to explain social patterns within the individual. It is usually used in the context of "psychosocial intervention," which is commonly used alongside psycho-educational or psycho-pharmacological interventions and points toward solutions for individual challenges in interacting with an element of the social environment.
Problems that occur in one's psychosocial functioning can be referred to as "psychosocial dysfunction" or "psychosocial morbidity." This refers to the lack of development or atrophy of the psychosocial self, often occurring alongside other dysfunctions that may be physical, emotional, or cognitive in nature.
Psychosocial support is an approach to victims of disaster, catastrophe or violence to foster resilience of communities and individuals. It aims at easing resumption of normal life, facilitate affected people participation to their convalescence and preventing pathological consequences of potentially traumatic situations.* Taken from Wikipedia
So, what I am saying is that if my environment is going good and positive, I am having a good day. If it's bad and no one is paying me any attention, it's going to be a bad day. I am Psychosocial!!!! Now, if I can just bring this up with the Shrink, maybe we can get somewhere. But, they have labels for everything. I am a Shopaholic, a Cutaholic, Ambienaholic, Exercisaholic, oh, what else am I? I can't think of anything more tonight. I am sure there are plenty more I can come up with. Painaholic? I inflict pain on myself just to feel alive and motivate me. However, I WANT TO MAKE THIS CLEAR!!! I DO NOT WANT TO KILL MYSELF OR OTHERS!!!! Just because I cut and like to inflict pain on myself doesn't mean I want to die!!! I heard a term "Parasuicidal" today at DBT and it offended me. I DO NOT cut for attention. I DO NOT post my pictures on my blog for attention. This blog, is ME!!! It's the real me under an anonymous name. It means I can write ANYTHING I want, and I can rip my heart out, let my feelings be known WITHOUT repercussions. So, I am still pissed about the police coming to my house, with the big flood light on my house, flashlight in my youngest daughter's face and then in mine, then me getting lead into the back of the police car so I can show my arms to the cops, and asked lots of questions. I realize most people don't understand cutting and the significence of it. But to me, it's a form of relieving myself of poison, the poison of the stress and depression and dis-ease I feel and can't cope with. It's a way to feel alive, the pain lets me know I am alive and I'm ridding myself of all that is negative. The big X on me was a symbol of being X'd out by my oldest daughter, being a nobody in my mind, sorta like a scarlet letter. I am working on this. But I will NOT post anymore pictures on my blog. I have to censor myself because of what happened. I can't be real. But maybe that is for the better as some people can't handle me. When I cut, I will take the pictures on my phone and keep them there.
Well, before I sign off, I want to say that I miss a special friend of mine. Please get better so I can see you soon.
Anya
If people talk to me, and want to go out to the movies, or coffee or dinner. I am going to have a happy day. If people give me positive reenforcement, I have a good day. If I feel and I use the term loosely "loved and validated" I am going to have a good day. Now, if I am ignored, treated poorly and stressed, missing someone, or many people, not feeling "loved or validated" I have depressed days. So what does that makes me? A people sponge? I can't make myself happy? Is that what is really going on. I must be Psychosocial. I know the song by Slipknot and I love it, but it really is a disorder. I looked on *Wikipedia.
*For a concept to be psychosocial means it relates to one's psychological development in, and interaction with, a social environment. The individual needs not be fully aware of this relationship with his or her environment. It was first commonly used by psychologist Erik Erikson in his stages of social development. Contrasted with social psychology, which attempts to explain social patterns within the individual. It is usually used in the context of "psychosocial intervention," which is commonly used alongside psycho-educational or psycho-pharmacological interventions and points toward solutions for individual challenges in interacting with an element of the social environment.
Problems that occur in one's psychosocial functioning can be referred to as "psychosocial dysfunction" or "psychosocial morbidity." This refers to the lack of development or atrophy of the psychosocial self, often occurring alongside other dysfunctions that may be physical, emotional, or cognitive in nature.
Psychosocial support is an approach to victims of disaster, catastrophe or violence to foster resilience of communities and individuals. It aims at easing resumption of normal life, facilitate affected people participation to their convalescence and preventing pathological consequences of potentially traumatic situations.* Taken from Wikipedia
So, what I am saying is that if my environment is going good and positive, I am having a good day. If it's bad and no one is paying me any attention, it's going to be a bad day. I am Psychosocial!!!! Now, if I can just bring this up with the Shrink, maybe we can get somewhere. But, they have labels for everything. I am a Shopaholic, a Cutaholic, Ambienaholic, Exercisaholic, oh, what else am I? I can't think of anything more tonight. I am sure there are plenty more I can come up with. Painaholic? I inflict pain on myself just to feel alive and motivate me. However, I WANT TO MAKE THIS CLEAR!!! I DO NOT WANT TO KILL MYSELF OR OTHERS!!!! Just because I cut and like to inflict pain on myself doesn't mean I want to die!!! I heard a term "Parasuicidal" today at DBT and it offended me. I DO NOT cut for attention. I DO NOT post my pictures on my blog for attention. This blog, is ME!!! It's the real me under an anonymous name. It means I can write ANYTHING I want, and I can rip my heart out, let my feelings be known WITHOUT repercussions. So, I am still pissed about the police coming to my house, with the big flood light on my house, flashlight in my youngest daughter's face and then in mine, then me getting lead into the back of the police car so I can show my arms to the cops, and asked lots of questions. I realize most people don't understand cutting and the significence of it. But to me, it's a form of relieving myself of poison, the poison of the stress and depression and dis-ease I feel and can't cope with. It's a way to feel alive, the pain lets me know I am alive and I'm ridding myself of all that is negative. The big X on me was a symbol of being X'd out by my oldest daughter, being a nobody in my mind, sorta like a scarlet letter. I am working on this. But I will NOT post anymore pictures on my blog. I have to censor myself because of what happened. I can't be real. But maybe that is for the better as some people can't handle me. When I cut, I will take the pictures on my phone and keep them there.
Well, before I sign off, I want to say that I miss a special friend of mine. Please get better so I can see you soon.
Anya
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