You may want to know what is so splendorful about being depressed? It certainly is not magnificent, or brilliant, or grand. However, overcoming depression, from being so low is magnificent, brilliant and grand. I am sensing a pattern here. Bipolar 2!!! My Shrink DOES NOT see this. Still says that I have PTSD, with Anxiety and Unipolar. I don't want to doubt my shrink who went to school years and years for this, but I have to tell you, I think he is overworked and overwelmed by so many patients. He sees me for maybe 3-5 minutes, charges my insurance or the state $120 bucks and he doesn't know the real me. I have patterns. I have triggers that tell me how my day is going to go.
If people talk to me, and want to go out to the movies, or coffee or dinner. I am going to have a happy day. If people give me positive reenforcement, I have a good day. If I feel and I use the term loosely "loved and validated" I am going to have a good day. Now, if I am ignored, treated poorly and stressed, missing someone, or many people, not feeling "loved or validated" I have depressed days. So what does that makes me? A people sponge? I can't make myself happy? Is that what is really going on. I must be Psychosocial. I know the song by Slipknot and I love it, but it really is a disorder. I looked on *Wikipedia.
*For a concept to be psychosocial means it relates to one's psychological development in, and interaction with, a social environment. The individual needs not be fully aware of this relationship with his or her environment. It was first commonly used by psychologist Erik Erikson in his stages of social development. Contrasted with social psychology, which attempts to explain social patterns within the individual. It is usually used in the context of "psychosocial intervention," which is commonly used alongside psycho-educational or psycho-pharmacological interventions and points toward solutions for individual challenges in interacting with an element of the social environment.
Problems that occur in one's psychosocial functioning can be referred to as "psychosocial dysfunction" or "psychosocial morbidity." This refers to the lack of development or atrophy of the psychosocial self, often occurring alongside other dysfunctions that may be physical, emotional, or cognitive in nature.
Psychosocial support is an approach to victims of disaster, catastrophe or violence to foster resilience of communities and individuals. It aims at easing resumption of normal life, facilitate affected people participation to their convalescence and preventing pathological consequences of potentially traumatic situations.* Taken from Wikipedia
So, what I am saying is that if my environment is going good and positive, I am having a good day. If it's bad and no one is paying me any attention, it's going to be a bad day. I am Psychosocial!!!! Now, if I can just bring this up with the Shrink, maybe we can get somewhere. But, they have labels for everything. I am a Shopaholic, a Cutaholic, Ambienaholic, Exercisaholic, oh, what else am I? I can't think of anything more tonight. I am sure there are plenty more I can come up with. Painaholic? I inflict pain on myself just to feel alive and motivate me. However, I WANT TO MAKE THIS CLEAR!!! I DO NOT WANT TO KILL MYSELF OR OTHERS!!!! Just because I cut and like to inflict pain on myself doesn't mean I want to die!!! I heard a term "Parasuicidal" today at DBT and it offended me. I DO NOT cut for attention. I DO NOT post my pictures on my blog for attention. This blog, is ME!!! It's the real me under an anonymous name. It means I can write ANYTHING I want, and I can rip my heart out, let my feelings be known WITHOUT repercussions. So, I am still pissed about the police coming to my house, with the big flood light on my house, flashlight in my youngest daughter's face and then in mine, then me getting lead into the back of the police car so I can show my arms to the cops, and asked lots of questions. I realize most people don't understand cutting and the significence of it. But to me, it's a form of relieving myself of poison, the poison of the stress and depression and dis-ease I feel and can't cope with. It's a way to feel alive, the pain lets me know I am alive and I'm ridding myself of all that is negative. The big X on me was a symbol of being X'd out by my oldest daughter, being a nobody in my mind, sorta like a scarlet letter. I am working on this. But I will NOT post anymore pictures on my blog. I have to censor myself because of what happened. I can't be real. But maybe that is for the better as some people can't handle me. When I cut, I will take the pictures on my phone and keep them there.
Well, before I sign off, I want to say that I miss a special friend of mine. Please get better so I can see you soon.
Anya
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