I must say, over the past 3 months, I've really taken control of my life and improved on every level of existence. I feel great! I am working on my body, mind, spirit and soul. I have been exercising for a couple hours (at least) a day, along with some short walks with the kids or dog after meals to get my digestive system working properly. I have been working on thinking with my Wise Mind instead of my Emotional Mind, although, I do display some emotion, I am not ruled my it. The walks in nature feed my spirit and my prayers soothe my soul. I am feeling complete!
I finally have 100% of my things upstairs in my rooms. I no longer have to go into the master bedroom unless I want to. This has liberated me and made me feel in control. Now if I can be financially independent, I would feel a whole lot better about myself. Also, if I lost a little more weight (the belly bulge, droopy boobs and a flat butt are bothering me) I am happy that I have toned arms, and legs. I purchased a DVD/Book Combo on Looking Better Naked. It's based on eating right (lots of fruits and veggies and MUFAS) and doing full body cardio, with strength training and using your own body weight as resistance, like in Pilates. I was a former Pilates junkie in my day and it's all coming back to me now.
I also have come to peace with my oldest daughter leaving the house to live with her boyfriend. They adopted a pet rat and are raising it. I am happy for them. I am at peace with them. I am at peace with a lot of things, such as the end of my marriage and still living here with him. I am choosing my moves wisely as in Chess. I calculate my risks before I proceed. Which means, I actually THINK before doing or saying something. This is why, I haven't given MA my letter I wrote many weeks ago. I don't think he'd like it, and I already put it out there what I want from him, it's his choice to reciprocate. His Chess move now. I am not asking to be his GF, he don't want one, I don't want a steady boyfriend. I like seeing him, but I also would like to try and get physical with him. This is a huge issue for him. I believe he relayed his fear and anxiety on his performance and the size of his goodies and whether the medication he is taking will inhibit his being able to perform in a way that would please a woman and himself. I feel that he's not giving it a chance. Not every woman would be so judgemental. Many women would enjoy the practice and would have patience with him. He just has to give them a chance. It doesn't always have to be that difficult. But I suppose he just isn't ready and you can't make someone do something they don't want to do, especially sex. It's legally and morally wrong.
So, the point is, I left it out there, he KNOWS! I just have to wait and see if he will come to terms with his issues. I am happy that I have. I work hard on my body, my life and my spirit. It takes a lot of grueling work, but it's worth it in the end, to have the confidence and self love. I didn't think I'd get this far, and I certainly never thought I'd say, I am starting to LIKE my body!!!! I used to hate it. I put a lot of time and effort in it and I am going to enjoy it. Right now, I am enjoying dressing it up. There are still lots of work to do, but I have a huge solid foundation to start and that makes me happy.
Come on my journey with me!
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