Why Not Take Someone's Pain Away?

Today, over dinner, my daughter who is sick today asked me "Mom, don't you wish you were God, cause you could make peace in the world and take my pain away, and help people fall in love and make the world a better place, right?"

Hmmmm, I thought, what WOULD it be like if I were God? Then, immediately thought, the world would not thrive. It sounds all good and all to be able to solve all the woes in the world but personally, I think it would make things so much worse. Of course, I want to take my children and loved ones pain away. Of course, if I could take my friend's mental pain away, I would. Oh course, I like to end world famine and have no wars. But what good would it REALLY do?

Let's start with just the physical pain, and if I removed it if I were God. Let me just say that if the world had no pain, what would keep us from proceeding into danger. We couldn't feel if we were walking on broken glass and get an infection or if we had a stomach pain, which my daughter has, you need to have pain to know that something is wrong or will be wrong. Pain is a warning. You need to have pain or you'd have your every  move watched so you don't injure yourself. You could literately be kicked, pinched, burnt and you wouldn't even flinch or notice. Pain tells you when you pushed to far, when you're in a situation you need to get out of and when something is terribly wrong. If you step on a piece of glass or bang your head too hard, you know you need medical attention. But what if you never felt it?

Now if I could remove psychological pain, what is bad with that? Well, then people wouldn't be needed to comfort each other. Of course, when your child or loved one, is hurting from a bad break-up for example, I wish I can take all that pain away. But will the person learn just enough to take out of that relationship to help them out in future relationships on what to do or not to do? How do you help them without turning them jaded and too scarred so they can further advance in future relationships. It's a thin line between wanting to help and take the mental pain away.

If I can take Dis-Ease away, I would. But if the world never got sick then the world would over-populate and there would be no need for doctors, nurses, hospitals, etc. This is like The Butterfly Effect, if you change just one thing, say, step on a rare spider and the species dies, then another species can't feed off it and other species start dying off, and so on, would the whole human race die off if we didn't have disease and pain? I think so!

About wars, if I could end all wars, what would happen? We would never know peace.

So if we were never ill, then we never would know what it would be like to be well. If we didn't have famine and feel hungry, then we never would know what it's like to feel full. If there were no Winter, we would never know the beauty and nature's awakening into Spring, followed by Summer and then Fall. So we are all apart of the Circle of Life and in that circle, there are many bad things and many good things. So I believe, that God, or the Higher Power has put people, animals, plants, life on this planet to help EACH OTHER, to comfort EACH OTHER. We help EACH OTHER!!!! So the Man upstairs has got it right. I do not wish to be God. I explained this to my daughter and she agreed with what I said but wishes that I can heal her. Honey, I wish I could ease your pain Babygirl!!!!

So for now, I can only offer my advice, it's free speech and with free speech carries with it some freedom to listen!

I am winning!!!!

I did it! I did it! I FUCKIN' DID IT!!!!!!! I stuck the cream in on my own, I even stuck my own fingers in me, and I looked in that blasted mirror. I am not ready for anybody to see my school girl shaved hooha yet at this point. Did not feel any sort of arousal, but don't count me out just yet. I'm not in extreme pain, or even a little. I am so rocking this healing thing!!!!!

The doctor is correct. It looks amazing, no scars, it looks, well, like he said...."beautiful" but for my own eyes only. He loosened all the glue and the stitches are nearly dissolved, I have a rocking HOOHA and I am flaunting it in my bathroom. Hello vibrator!!!!! Hello to sex again!!!! When push comes to shove, I may be shaved like a little school girl, but I will not act like one. I put my big girl pants on and I did my job. I am making my pleasure box ready! Dr. Beyer you will be proud of me. Your little freak of a patient took your challenge, I NEVER back down, I AM WINNING!!!!! People, you can do anything you put your mind to. So put THAT one in your pipe and smoke it!!!! I AM BAAACK!!!!!

For All Those Lurking in the Shadows.........

Hello, Hello, Hello, Is anybody out there? Just nod if you can hear me? Come on!!!! I am feeling like I'm in the Comfortably Numb song by Pink Floyd. I have 113 readers or I should say "lurkers", and nobody has commented on my blogs. I know you people are lurking in the shadows of my blog, some that even visit quite often. I know the world of blogging can be a crazy place, and/or can seem like an unfriendly place. But, I am totally friendly and approachable. I will respond to your comments in kind, unless you're a drive thru flamer, and in that case, you get what you get. As I tell my kids, you get what you get and you don't throw a fit or tough titty says the kitty, or is that "teety". Well, anyway, don't just sit there, your fingers aren't broken, write to me. I need your input!!!!

There are very possibly unfreindly people reading my blog? So if there is something people consider me writing incorrect, you probably get angry and that is your point of view and will be welcomed if handled correctly. Express your point of view and engage me, I LOVE that. Everyone is responsible for their own feelings, even in the presence of untrustworthy people, but it's good to strive to be trustworthy on my blog. I know you may also be trying to get to know me first before you comment? All you have to do is ask and I will pretty much answer you openly and honestly. What makes perfect sense to one person is nonsense to another. For some of us the bright red line between sense and nonsense has shifted or is shifting. Why is this?

Anyway, my parents came out yesterday, we went out to dinner today and had some CHEESECAKE!!! I have been hunting down cheesecake for 2 weeks now and wanted to share it with my special friend and here I feel like I am eating it behind his back. So next week, I will find a place that serves cheesecake and share some with him. If you are reading this MA, comment as well. I want to engage in conversation with you.
Love to all my Lurkers........

The Splendor of the Doctor Who Gives Too Much Remarkability

Today, I went to my Post Op Doc for an exam at how I am healing. In which he said "remarkably".

What does that even mean? But I know that the dictionary says REMARKABLE as: "worthy of being or likely to be noticed especially as being uncommon or extraordinary"

Well, there is NOTHING remarkable about me, the only thing I can conceive why I did heal so quickly is by sheer self will and my pride in not letting people do things for me. I sure hope when I'm 101 that I don't need anyone wiping my ass and feeding me or I suppose I'd rather be dead! I'm stubborn like that. That's how I roll.

So, this is what he has told me. I can START to slowly resume normal activity, no heavy lifting yet, but I can get back into some housework. (aw, I already started this one....shhhhh) and he told me that I can exercise a little like walking, stretching and mild dancing (again, shhhhh, I've been doing this for a week now too) and then the dreaded clearance on sexual activity. We talked great lengths about this, maybe cause I had numerous questions and a little fear going on.

He told me that I can resume sexual activity as TOLERATED in ONE WEEK!!! WHAT? No January 21st? Is he crazy? Maybe cause I told him about my experience a couple nights ago. Part of being an ANOMINOUS blog is I can write about whatever the hell I want without it coming back and biting me in the ass and I don't have to name names. But the other day, I got a bit hot and heavy with someone and the whole next day I felt the hurt. The kissing was amazing, the touching, the spooning, I haven't been touched like that in a long, long, LONG time. He was amazing!!!! But the grinding, hell, my pubic bone I think it still bruised, I guess bruised in a good way, but I did have to tell my doctor that it was sore today cause I had a hot and heavy moment. He just laughed and said to just listen to my body. HA! If I was listening to my body that night, he'd probably be stitching me up today because the guy I am speaking of was hard as steel or marble like Michelangelo's Statue of David. It would totally ruin my stubborn nature and "remarkable" healing if it went any farther than that, I think it would hurt me. I told the doc I can't even put the cream he gave me in yet. (in which he remedied for me and I will mention later)  So, when I see him in a month, he wants me to TRY to see if I can resume sexual intercourse either with my fingers, vibrator or with a partner, and see if maybe I developed an excess of scar tissue which will cause pain and if so, there is medication for that. I thought that was what lube was fore? But today, that didn't even help. (He did, stick his fingers in me and I about jumped off the table and he said I am definitely not ready.) Thank you very much! He even put the cream in.  I need to stretch it some or else I will become so tight that sex will be nearly impossible psychologically. He told me I need to take a mirror and look at myself down there, and massage it in circles, or have my significant other do that, which made me blush. It's supposed to help and I need to stretch it but he is also afraid that I am psychologically making myself fearful of sexual activity. Ah NO, cause I actually love to have sex, I JUST DON'T WANT IT TO HURT!!! Don't overanalyze me Sigmond Doc!!! lol

The doctor was only concerned with my lifting things. Typical man!!!!! OH, and he wants to give me a tummy tuck. When I go to my Hernia Doctor for my surgery in the Spring, he said he wants to be on hand for this surgery with Dr. O'Brien and it would be covered under post operative measures and my insurance will cover all but the co-pay that because I lost a lot of weight, the flap when I sit up is BOTHERING HIM!!!! What? He told me this is entirely up to me. This reminds me of the movie "Click" What do you all think? Should I get the tummy tuck or let nature takes it's course and be a bit saggy. He said that saggy skin stinks when sweaty. Now I REALLY don't want to have sex. I am pondering this tummy tuck business, I have 4 months to decide. All feedback will be welcome!!!!!

I will see him next month, and I can tell you how it will go. I will be a virgin again so to speak. I am so afraid to be taken in that way. If I had someone that would work with me on helping me "get over" this fear of being hurt, ripped, or, and I will be dramatic here: GORGED, I would be less fearful. We will see? I am not looking that far in the future. But the tummy tuck is looking more appeasing as I think about this sex business.

So, over and all, I got a good bill of health. No infections. I just have major vaginal and anal sensitivity. I wonder when it will fully heal? After having my one daughter, I ripped so bad it took me 6 months to even get it in and then I begged for it to stop. Anxiety, Anxiety, Anxiety!!!!! Will I be defective the rest of my life, in my sexual prime??? Now for real the doctor would laugh at me. But still?

Splendor...........

Can someone experience pure splendor when you're not looking for it? Bodily delight is a sensory experience, like a beautiful fruit fills the tongue, it is a great, an infinite learning that is given to us, a knowledge of the world, the fullness and the splendor of all knowledge. And it is not our acceptance of it that is bad but what is bad is that most people misuse this learning and squander it and apply it as a stimulant on the tired places of their lives and as a distraction rather than as a way of gathering themselves for their highest moments. People have even made eating into something else: necessity on the one hand, excess on the other, have muddied the clarity of this need, and all the deep, simple needs in which life renews itself have become just as muddy. But the individual can make them clear for himself and live them clearly (not the individual who is dependent, but the solitary man). He can remember that all beauty in animals and plants is a silent, enduring form of love and yearning, and he can see the animal, as he sees plants, patiently and willingly uniting and multiplying and growing, not out of physical pleasure, not out of physical pain, but to necessities that are greater than pleasure and pain, and more powerful than will and withstanding. If only human beings could more humbly receive this mystery which the world is filled with, even in its smallest "things", could bear it, endure it, more solemnly, feel how terribly heavy it is, instead of taking it lightly. If only they could be more reverent toward their own fruitfulness, which is essentially one, whether it is manifested as mental or physical; for mental creation too arises from the physical, is of one nature with it and only like a softer, more enraptured and more eternal repetition of bodily delight. The thought of being a creator, of engendering, of shaping is nothing without its continuous great confirmation and embodiment in the world and our enjoyment of it is so indescribably beautiful and rich only because it is full of inherited memories of the engendering and birthing of millions. In one creative thought a thousand forgotten nights of love come to life again and fill it with majesty and exaltation. And those who come together in the nights and are entwined in rocking delight perform a solemn task and gather sweetness, depth, and strength for the song of some future "poet", who will appear in order to say ecstasies that are unsayable. And they call forth the future, and even if they have made a mistake and embrace blindly, the future comes ANYWAY, a new human being arises, and on the foundation of the accident that seems to be accomplished here, there awakens the law by which a strong, determined seed forces its way through to the egg cell that openly advances to meet it. Don't be confused by surfaces; in the depths everything becomes law. And those who live the mystery falsely and badly (and they are very many) lose it only for themselves and nevertheless pass it on like a sealed letter, without knowing it. And don't be puzzled by how many names there are and how complex each life seems. Perhaps above them all there is a great motherhood, in the form of a communal yearning. The beauty of the girl, a being who has not yet achieved anything, is motherhood that has a presentiment of itself and begins to prepare, becomes anxious, yearns. And the mother's beauty is motherhood that serves, and in the old woman there is a great remembering. And in the man too there is motherhood, it seems to me, physical and mental; his engendering is also a kind of birthing, and it is birthing when he creates out of his innermost fullness. And perhaps the sexes are more akin than people think, and the great renewal of the world will perhaps consist in one phenomenon: that man and woman, freed from all mistaken feelings and aversions, will seek each other not as opposites but as brother and sister, as neighbors, and will unite as human beings, in order to bear in common, simply, earnestly, and patiently, the heavy sex that has been laid upon them. I am the new human being and a seed of life has been planted in my mind metaphorically speaking. I can't say for sure that his seed will cultivate and grow, although I wish it will and as I said, just yearning for this and making it happen are two very different things. I felt the electricity and the passion and I wish to try to duplicate that again. I am not going to rush things or push things but just knowing that my body has opened, spiritually, letting in a strange force of nature that I have been longing to feel, touch, and taste, I am still the elder woman who away from my past hangs on to remembering. I am still in a kind of mothering mode, more nurturing as I can no longer procreate or worry about procreating, and him, I always feel a sense to reach out, and shelter his light with protection and more light, and safety. One look into his eyes and you can see the vulnerability and that must be protected.

Splendor in Knowing the Truth (Not for children)

Merry Holidaze to all my fellow readers!!!! As a present to you, I will tell you all about me and my deepest secrets. This should be liberating and possibly a little boring or exciting for some?

I lost my TRUE virginity at 16 and a HALF!!!  Someone stole my cherry unwillingly when I was 8 or 9. FUCKER!!!!!!

I never had an intercourse orgasim, as far as I know.

I can only cum with fingers, and vibrators and kissing

I love giving oral sex and even like swallowing but when it's performed on me, I have a major anxiety attack, dry up and want to run for cover.

Yes, I had Cunninglitis performed on me, but 2 people actually did it very well, but I still didn't cum. Damn anxiety!

I know how to give an awesome lap dance

I also give amazing blow jobs I am told.

Having sex in public is a turn on

I love tying up my lovers and blindfolding them and being spanked. Sometimes I like to be forced and lightly choked and have my hair pulled.

I used to strip in an amateur burlesgue show with pasties and was pretty darn good at it :-)

I like to be on top a lot during sex, it makes me feel in control.

I never turn down a challenge

I love playing sports and getting dirty

I love hiking

My favorite beverage is water, followed by an Au Leit coffee

I prefer eating fruits, veggies and seafood.

I love holding hands and snuggling, even over intercourse.

I can kiss for hours until my lips nearly fall off and there is no such thing as bad kissing, just uninformed kissing and when I get down with you, you'll be a master at it.

I once made someone cum without even touching his sexual organ.

I am German, Polish, Irish and English

I could live happily on a deserted island with someone I am interested in and not care about electronics, or even a flushing toilet for that matter. Just some books and water. I don't even need clothes.

I secretly wish I could move to a nudist colony and hopefully one day, could join one on a vacation.

I am terrified of spiders, heights and wool (especially when I am sweaty)

I am allergic to bees (my aunt died being stung by a bee and was brought back)

I love to read and the last book I read was First Love, Last Rites by Ian McEwan (such a twisted book on sexuality)

I've had a golden shower and wasn't afraid of it.

When I was a kid, I used to masturbate every night to fall asleep. (Now I use Ambien) <--go figure

My favorite colors are blue, purple and kelly green

My dream is to own a kelly green and black mustang

My first car I learned on and owned was a 1987 Mustang 5.0 no A/C super fast!!!

I just sold my purple Mustang "The Purple Princess" I still cry over it

I been married twice and never been proposed to. It still stings.

I am legally seperated and going through a divorce and will probably never marry again, but if someone who REALLY loves me and proposes to ME, I might consider the 3rd time a charm but the thought causes anxiety now.

I love making out to old 70's and 80's songs like REO Speedwagon, Chicago, Journey and anything sexy.

I was a dancer almost my whole life from tap, jazz, ballet, to pointe.

I was in gymnastics for 5 years

I was in figure skating for 3 years

I played the organ and piano

I love ALL animals, but my favorite is a bunny. I miss you Benji my black bunny named after the lead singer of Good Charlotte.

I have a dog named Freddie and a cat named Harlow

I secretly wanted to have ONE more baby, but can't since I had a total hysterectomy.

I am a recovering food addict and used to overindulge when unhappy

I sleep alone right now and HATE it

I want to take a road trip, blar my music and bring a friend and for 1 week not have a care in the world.

When I was growing up I wanted to be a Forensic Psychologist enrolled in U of M Dearborn but got pregnant and dropped out.

My second choice was in Commercial Advertising and I wanted to go to Ferris State

I love Vampires and feel I am an Emotional or Psychic Vampire. I feel I absorb the energy from the people around me and it's not always a good thing cause I can get easily overwelmed.

I am obsessed with Vampires and want to be a real one, yes....sanguinarian vampirism. I will write about my vampirism in one of my next blogs.

I am Daddy's little girl and he gives me money every couple weeks to make me happy because my home life is so unhappy. I realize this is not a good thing and is a crutch but he also blames himself for what Grandpa did to me (NOT his Dad) and my abuse with my Mom who used me as her personal punching bag of aggression.

My Dad treats me like the most romantic person in the world and people get creeped out by that. Once in a restaurant, they ask if we were husband and wife. I wanted to vomit at the thought, but it is so true. He buys me flowers, cards, movies, anything I ask for, even in passing conversation he picks up on it and buys it for me.

I want to feel passion again and I think I can if I wait long enough.

I love, love, love going to the movies, but HATE HATE HATE going alone. Go figure!

I used to sing, even won first place in a contest, but I went to a Def Leppard concert, screamed too much and blew my vocal cords out, never been the same. I now have cysts on my vocal cords that need to be removed, since they are NOT cancerous, my insurance isn't covering it. Once I get them removed, I believe I could sing again. I used to sing to my Ex-Boyfriend all the time.

I have 4 children, I was pregnant with twins that I lost at 16 weeks gestation and I still mourn them every Sept 12th.

M kids are my life first and foremost. But I am more their best friends than Mom and that is my downfall.

I am told I am a great big door mat.....even just recently.

I have a dark sense of humor and it sometimes offends people and I've lost friends over it. Sometimes my jokes don't even make sense and I think it's even funnier, because I love making people squirm.

I want to learn how to play the guitar but I USED to play the drums with my ex-boyfriend in his band

My favorite flower is the carnation

I love reinventing myself often so I don't get board but deep down I am grunge, punk and kinda emo. I love punk rock, wearing chains and if I could give myself a mohawk, and get away with it, I'd be in my element.

I always wanted to crowd surf

Been to St. Andrew's Hall and never got to crowd surf

Well, I am getting board. If anyone wants to learn anything else about me...post it here and I'll answer.

Splendor on the Other Side of the Abyss

I went under the radar the last 3 days. I've been watching shows off my DVR with my daughter and just letting things cool off. I slipped into the abyss to lick my wounds. I am emerging like a chrysalis going into the butterfly stage of development. I am not in much pain anymore, except when I am doing the things I am not supposed to be doing. I am healing and that is a liberating thing. I also have been healing emotionally too. I learned a lot by being with myself and my children. Maybe this will help you too.

I learned that life is a journey and there is no predicting the outcome. The only thing you can control are the choices you make and they'll define who you are. Don't be so focused on the outcome that you miss the entire picture.

Everyone has a calling and our real job in life is to figure out what that is and get about the business of doing it. Our purpose- What is our purpose? What is my purpose? Do what you are meant to do and be joyful. When you find your purpose, it will light you up. A calling is your passion knowing you are exactly where you are supposed to be and what you are supposed to be doing. Everyone has their own "circle of influence" that is where the power is. We have the power to change someone's life. Everyone has a calling: EVERYONE. Are you listening?

Nobody but you is responsible for your own life!!!! Doesn't matter what your Momma did, doesn't matter what your Daddy didn't do, your ex's, your kids, your friends. We are ALL responsible for our own life. What is LIFE? It's energy! I am responsible for my own energy that I create for myself and the energy I BRING TO others. Be responsible with the energy you bring to me too. We all connect to each other in some way. We are ALL energy, the trees, flowers........  It's all like Newton's 3rd law of motion. For every action there is a equal and opposite reaction!!! This is so true. Everything you have done to me is already done to you. What you put out in this universe, it comes back. How do you want it to come back? Positive or Negative?

The Golden Rule: Treat other's like you want to be treated. All the energy we harbor to bring someone down or hurt someone is gonna turn around and slap us in the face hard and same with love, all the energy we bring to love people comes right back at us too. So THAT is why we are responsible for our own energy and our own life.

Another thing I learned in my abyss is about worthiness and unworthiness.  When we feel unworthy that is why we have our addictions and hang ups and sadness by choice. Cause we don't feel worthy enough to own the life we were created for. Thinking we deserve to be happy and  KNOWING we are worthy are totally two different things. We often block our own blessings because we don't feel good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, or worthy enough. We being here makes worthiness our birthright. WE ARE WORTHY!!!!

What is the one thing that everybody TRULY wants????? It's not money, fame and luxury as most might think. WE ALL WANT VALIDATION!!!!! Do you see me? Do you hear me? Does what I say mean anything to you? Everyone wants to be heard, with an open mind and an open heart. Validate people!!! What you say, matters to me!!!!!

The Secret to the Success of life? Surrender to a Higher Power or a Grace!!!! Whether you believe in God, a Spirit, something greater than you, or yourself, just let it in. Listen to the guidance of your life, it's always speaking to you. It gets louder and louder till you  listen. Be still and KNOW IT. It's always there. What is whispering to you and what is it saying?

Last but not least and this ties into all of the above. Be a safe harbor for someone else. Do for them-connect with them, embrace them, liberate them, love somebody and spread that to two, then three........ Spreading your joy makes you feel powerful and useful and worthy.  Make people think they matter so they KNOW that THEY DO MATTER!!! People matter!!!!!
Anya

A Splendor in Forgiveness

This is going to be a short blog today. I'll let everyone know that I am starting to feel better, less pain after surgery. However, that physical pain is moving to emotional pain. The other day, I wrote my friend, MA, a letter, asking what was wrong with him, when I was trying my darnest to help using the same things that helped me. Well, things are very different for different people. What works for one, definately doesn't always work for the other. I just got so upset that he wasn't responding to me in any way, shape or form and that he was cooped up by choice while I wished to leave the house. I shouldn't have written that letter. I was juiced up on medication (damn Vicodin mostly) and tried to try the tough guy approach to snapping him out of it. It obviously had the opposite effect. Now he is ignoring me. I apologized I don't know how many times. I really want to be forgiven. I had my one slip up. I will give him some time to process this apology and hopefully we can get past this and remain friends. I do care deeply for him and only want the best for him. I miss talking to him. I miss you MA!

The Bottom is Rock?

There is nothing of "Splendor" to talk about right now. I hit that 5 day after surgery slump where you still feel bad and then on top of it, really depressed!!!!! I feel like I have nobody. My soon to be ex is being a bastard to me and my children. They are aching for me to get better to "save" them. (No they are not being beat, just verbal abuse and nastiness) My new friend, MA, is MIA and I understand he has needs and with me out of the picture, well, I'm just forgotten. None of my group friends wrote me yet, I even sent self addressed stamped envelops and frickin' paper for crying out loud. So , yes, I been crying all last night. I feel like fucking SHIT!!!!! I am ALONE!!!! I feel unloved. Christmas is a week from Sunday.... fuck that shit, I am going on strike against Christmas. I will simply acknowledge that it is Jesus's birthday and honor it internally, but for anything else, it's just another day.

They say that you have to hit rock bottom in order to go back up, or that it gets worse, before it gets better. Is this shit true? Wouldn't hitting rock bottom hurt you or kill you? I suppose that if you "hit rock bottom" and survived, anything would be better.

Today, I hit rock bottom. I cried for at least 5 hours straight, those hot burning tears, then fell asleep for another 5 hours and woke up feeling cleansed, my feelings purged. I hit the bottom and didn't die, not saying I didn't get hurt. Maybe emotionally hurt, drained, but survived and of course, anything and everything is better than that feeling of desperation and morose. I also can't see it getting any worse before it getting better. I mean, come on. 5 hours wasn't good enough. No, I think I am hanging in there and that it's going to get better now. I am still in a lot of physical pain, and I know THAT will get better, but I am sad. I am willing it to get better now. It has to.

I learned another chapter in the "What's the Meaning of Life" It was hard, and today was my test, my final exam. I learned that no matter how hard life gets thrown at you, you have to be ready to catch it and take it, even if it's a rock, you need to mold it into something you can use. It's a bit nicer throwing lemons at me, cause I can at least make lemonaid. And after a night/day like today, I'm frickin parched, and I could totally use that damn lemon, it's better than a rock......
Anya

Splendor in the Big Answer (2nd Part of Blog)

So what's the big answer, the big truth? I am feeling a bit prolific right now. Earlier today, I wrote about the world being a big "natural" machine, a processing plant and that we were the rocks and our pain and suffering is the gravel and water polishing us up smooth and shiny. I talked about the negative side of life and briefly mentioned the positive. I will get to that part again.

What are we being polished for is the next question? So I was thinking about this. I think that earth being the natural processing plant is prepping us for our next life, whether you believe in heaven or hell or reincarnation, you have to admit that there IS a next level or step to life. Something or someone lived before us and died so we could have this life we're living. We live off the effort and energy and momentum of THEIR lives....... So how do we enjoy their gift?

Some, by drinking down a 12 pack of cold ones, followed by a carton of smokes and shooting up the next greatest drug of choice? Oh how grateful us humans are.....Leather shoes, plush soft furs and fried chicken and dead soldiers are only a tragedy it seems by how we act. How would YOU show their birth and death meant something? If we can forgive what's been done to us, maybe we can forgive what we done to others?

We need to leave our sad luck stories behind and stop playing the victims or villains, only then can we "maybe" rescue the world from it's state of disarray and chaos. But, lets face it. We still sit here on our pity potty's, waiting to be saved, while we are playing the victims, hoping to be discovered while we are suffering. We are stupid fools sometimes.

So, I am saying, and this is just my theory, is that once we leave our earthen bodies, we go onto a higher level of being, until we are perfect. Humans are far from perfect, but that is why we have the pain and suffering, to teach us and cleanse us. To get us ready for the next life, or plane or level or existence. We are going through a purification process. Or maybe we just like to suffer? Maybe suffering and misery are the whole point in life. It makes us feel alive. We feel something..... we have emotion.... if we can take that energy and generate a more positive spin on it, maybe we can love more, have less pain and suffering and truly be happy? So starting today, I think we should all be Anti-Negative Superhero's? I mean we all got a lot going on in our lives right now, especially with Christmas coming up. Let's try to step out of our comfort zones and do something nice for others. I think I'm a fairly positive person on MOST days. I also believe that it's my positivity that led me to where I am at this point in my life. Being positive doesn't mean plastering on a fake smile and living in denial that everything is A-OK all the time. That is why I blog about the shit I blog about, to get it off my chest or otherwise, I'd go crazy. But being positive means different things to different people.

So, let's focus on WHAT WE GOT and NOT WHAT WE DON'T!!! Granted there is a lot of stuff that would be nice to have. When we focus on what we don't have we feel deficient and that maybe we are losing out in some way. Then we start to concur. This can generate feelings of abundance despite what you think you are lacking.

BE GRATEFUL! This kind of ties in with the focusing on what you have. If you can express gratitude for everything you have and all that is good in your life you leave little room for negativity or bad thoughts. Since I've been practicing this, I'm a lot more patient with everyone around me., my perspective has changed and I'm actually a little less stressed. (except for today and the worrying about my surgery tomorrow) When you focus on what matters, what REALLY matters, so much of the other bullshit we fret about melts away. It works, my friends.

DON'T DWELL ON THE PAST OR CLING TO THE FUTURE!! Well, the past has already happened and the future may never come. If you dwell on the mistakes and missed opportunities from the past you probably find you beat yourself up a bit to hard over it. If you are stuck deep into the past, you likely feel bad about where you are at right now, longing for the way things used to be. The thing with the past is that it is OVER, it's DONE, and there is NO CHANGING it no matter how hard you try. Hindsight is always 20/20. Just learn!!! But clinging to the future is just as bad. It really and truly may never happen. The more attached we are to that dream the more devastated we will be if it doesn't happen. Listen to the song: "Live Like You Were Dying" by Tim McGraw. It changed my life. I cry when I hear it.

SPEAK ABOUT OTHERS AS IF THEY WERE IN FRONT OF YOU!!!! Call it what you want; gossiping, bad mouthing, slander, etc, it doesn't make you feel good and it's definitely not conducive to being a positive person. It always makes me wonder what people are saying about me when I am not around if they talk bad about people in front of me. A benefit of practicing this, apart from just being more positive, is you never have to worry about what you've said getting back to someone, even if it does it doesn't matter because you can stand behind what you said if said to the person's face!!!!

LIGHTEN UP!!!! Certain topics, issues, and events are serious but not everything is, so LIGHTEN THE FUCK UP!!!!! Have fun and embrace your inner child. I am the biggest, "childest" 38 year old person out there because if I learned anything in the bible, Jesus said we have to become like little children to get into heaven but it also has it's OTHER advantages. You feel young at heart, are more happy, you care less about the things that don't matter and care more for the ones that do. Having fun, laughing, smiling and enjoying life does wonders for your positivity. Plus we would be doing the people who came before us justice for laying their lives open for us, their hard work and dedication so that we may benefit from our life, and this world. Think of what our parents and grandparents always wanted for us. What do we want for our children, grandchildren? So, lets stop and think that it's not always about us!!!! Learn to step out of that comfort zone and LIVE!!! The world is a much better place with you, me and everyone in it!!!!! This is how I want to be remembered. Tomorrow I am going under the knife and if people just take a little bit about what I am trying to convey to you, you will have your big answer. Peace!!!
Anya

The Splendor in the Dark Side of Light (Part 1 of Blog)

Sounds like a paradox, a statement that seems self-contradictory. The dark side of light. What does it mean to me? Simply the bad things we do to ourselves and others, it's that little devil on your left shoulder and it's what's always holding us back. It's our guilt and conscience when we know we've done something wrong and undesirable. It's our fiend inside ourselves, and sometimes our inside alias, it is our instinct. Let me explain a little before everyone starts cyber-flaming me. This is probably the "dark" side of me coming out in a rather "light" hearted soul.

I can't get over all this fighting and war in our world. I also can't get over this war we declare on ourselves. Why do humans, and animals in general, need the power of concurring? What really drives us? Conflict! Everyone is conflicting over everyone and everything, I feel chaos all around me, I see it in the way people look to me and I even feel a bit confused about it.

Today, I had to get up early and drive to the shopping centers of Benton Harbor. Maybe it's the Christmas rush? Can you imagine what it would be like in The East Side? I have from experience seen the worst in drivers and today, I was having Detroit Flash Back Driving!!! The rode rage, the careless behavior on the roads, have you seen how many people are on the cell phone, putting make-up on and READING while they drive and how people are in a mad dash driving in and out of traffic waiting for an accident to happen. CONCURING! We will only get there about 2-3 minutes before everyone else, that's the power driven rush. Why do we rush? It's such a fast paced world of confusion to begin with. It all comes down to power struggles and this is the "dark" side of humanity.

Because deep down in our DNA, we love war, and power and concurring, and nobody wants to lose or come in second. We crave the challenge, the power to concur. It SEEMS and I repeat, it SEEMS that we love war, disease, cancer, earthquakes, floods, forest fires, oil spills, and serial killers, we must adore terrorists and hijacker's, dictators and pedophiles because it's all sensationalize in the media. Because we love watching it on the news, we read the newspapers and buy the magazines with people lining up beside a long, open grave, waiting to be shot by another firing squad of publicity and publish photos of more everyday people torn to bloody shreds by suicide bombers and the radio bulletins about freeway pile-ups and mud slides and sinking ships, and when airplanes crash, we report it, we make a profit on other peoples tragedies and miseries. People get paid when other people suffer, simply put. The media talks about pollution, acid rain, global warming and famine, or when little children are abducted and brutally killed, we all watch the news, feeding into this sadness. We buy these magazine and newspapers and stuffing the pockets of sadistic editors, writers and politicians who make us afraid, to over-power us by using our fear and intrigue to control us. We buy into it all the time, hook, line and sinker. They make it sound worse, or even lie a little or a lot, to get a better sale or ratings. We are like weeds, we snuff out the good and speed up the suffering and our fast track to "enlightenment" against humanity, it's us against us. Us, the victims of ourselves. We destroy ourselves, it appears that we love war and conflict because it's the only way we'll finish our "work" here, the way we'll finish our "souls" here on "Earth" the big process plant of life and death, the "rock tumbler theory" through pain and anger and conflict we think it's our only path. To what? We don't know! But I still say it's in our DNA, back to the caveman, evolutionists, or ancestors "era", who fought over territory and women, and food . We never learn and it is believed that if we don't learn from history, we are doomed to repeat it.

So maybe, suffering and misery is the point of life? I know I repeat myself on this, because I feel so strongly about it. I feel it makes us feel alive. So our soul is an ugly rock, and all the conflict and pain is just the abrasive that rubs us, teaches us and polishes our soul. Knowing this suffering is your entire reason for coming to Earth, so I guess we are eternally stupid... The dark side of light? The answer is a paradox in itself in the way we "love" to "fight" wars, "fight" for world peace, we "fight" hunger, we just "fight" and no wonder we are riding around like a chicken with it's head cut off, driving in and out of traffic with road rage and reading behind the wheel the latest drama unfolding in the world. We fight not only with guns, but with our mouths and that hurts more than getting a bullet between the eyes. We fight over power, money, territory and our planet is never better than it was before. So the news reels of armies marching off to war, with their machine guns and tanks and artillery, maybe we are living the exact way we're meant to live, but each time it's teaches us and betters ourselves. Think "Groundhog Day" (again) with Bill Murray, but call it "Groundhog Life". We humans must better ourselves so we can leave this existence and go onto the next life or plain and take the knowledge we learn here on Earth. Don't know, Apparently I haven't learned my lesson yet cause I am still here on Earth.

Over the years, we've gotten better at fighting. Instead of using our knowledge for the greater good, we use it to build a better war craft. We used to have the B-1 Bomber, the F-17, the B-52, the Black hawk, the Apache, now we have the B-2 Spirit "the Bat" whatever they are, they are better, more stealthier than say, the B-29 Warhog, we make fighters faster, we can't see them on radar, we just keep getting better at it. Yes, war has been fought since the beginning of time, back to the "bible days" So, life really has a dark side, but it also has a light side.

Over and all, I'd like to focus on the good, "light" side in my future. Deep down, somewhere into our consciousness, there is goodness and light. I have faith in that. It's what gets me out of bed in the morning. I really want to see the virtuous benevolent side of humanity. I see it in the smile and laughter of my kids faces, and in the multi-faceted colors of nature and the scent of life in the air. The lakes, streams, oceans reflect the sunshine in a prism of vibrant colors. There is goodness in this sadistic world at times and I do choose to see it for what it is. Beauty and light. I am SOOOOOO not done with this. I will write more tonight!!!
Anya

The Splendor in Serendipity

My horoscope for today!!! I am mostly Pisces with a LITTLE Aquarius thrown in. Wow, so hits home with  me cause this is EXACTLY what I did LAST NIGHT. So I am covered. Everything is on the right track. This confirmation, in my scary little mind also confirms that my surgery tomorrow will be a success and I won't die. It's the small things I say!!! Thank you Pisces, but I am one step ahead of you!!!

You're feeling a little weird about something or someone, and that feeling is likely mutual. Sometimes you run into someone who's just a bit out of sync with you, but they can make life so much better! Yesterday Tomorrow You should tell your sweetie how you feel -- or your crush, if you're single. You have nothing to lose by taking what seems like a risk, and you are sure to get the right answer in return. Yesterday Tomorrow

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A Splendor in Goodbye

I keep reflecting on my life and all that I accomplished in it. Aside from the four most beautiful kids I helped create, I really haven't done much special. Why am I thinking like this? I know people have surgery every day, and LIVE! Why am I so obsessed with dying? I don't want to die, so I guess that is why I am obsessing with it, because I feel that because I don't want to die, I will be punished with death. Plus, just when I am starting to get happy again, I am waiting for that perverbial rug to be pulled out from under my feet. Life always seems to fall on the butter side down.

I wrote letters to my parents, my therapist, MA, and even the soon to be ex. I am getting things off my chest. But I decided not to give them away, except I gave my therapist her letter today when I saw her. I wonder what she will think of that? They basically say that my wishes are for my kids to be looked after, if I happen to pass. That I want "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry and if possible "White Rabbit" by Jefferson Airplane played at my funeral, cause it has a special meaning for me. I also wrote my love for each of the important people in my life. I love a lot of people, cause that is my purpose in life. To spread love,  joy and happiness on all different type of levels. I really should have been a flower child :-)

Tomorrow is also the last day I see MA before my surgery. Boo Hoo, no more movies and hanging out for a while, unless I get better more quickly than expected. Who knows, some people are very inspiring to me, to want to be a better person. I just don't want to be that out of sight out of mind person. I'd feel so sad and hurt. It's just an early friendship/relationship? Friendship is a type a relationship right? Anyway, I hope that I am not forgotten. But if I die, then I guess it wouldn't matter? I need to get off this death issue!!! Geez, I'm such a DRAG!!!! On to more positive news!!

My parents who have been incessantly trying to get me back to the East Side has finally agreed to help me get either an apartment or house to rent out here. Probably an apartment ? Seems cheaper. I really need to focus my attention on NOT going into a wrong housing environment too quickly without research. I MUST DO THIS RIGHT!!!! I always said, I'd die in this house because I always lived either in a small apartment or trailer and I love this house, but it's costing my sanity. I am unhappy here, being treated badly and most important, my kids aren't being treated nice either. So, I will rectify the situation. I need to put my big girl pants on and take control of my life. It has been so out of control for the last 15 years, too long to be unhappy. I am 38 and I want to spend my last years happy and content. If this surgery don't kill me, I plan on living till 101!!! So, I am still considered a youngin on them terms.

I need to get some rest, and stop obsessing about death. I already cleaned out my closet, all my old clothes, I've been busy, and yet I am still wide awake. Hurry up Ambien start to work!!!! Tomorrow is gonna be a good day and kinda sad.
Anya

The UNsplendor of Sleep

The last couple days I've been acting all hinky about the surgery mostly. Yesterday, I slept a lot of the day, blogged my heart out, then napped again and went to bed right after Desperate Housewives. Pan Am looked boring last night, because my head wasn't in it.

 

Then I was plagued with all kinds of crazy dreams which left me very unsettled this morning. One of the dreams I remember vividly was someone stuck me in either a nursing home or psyche ward on the beach over looking the water and sun and someone kept taking my special DVD movie (I don't know what the movie was) and I done a lot of crying because no one left a forwarding address or phone number, except my parents, and I called them trying to get in contact with my kids and they were very evasive about the information they were giving me. I was begging and pleading and I was calling other numbers that I remembered and no matter how hard I tried to type the number in correctly, I kept making mistakes, and never could finish the number. Was my head programmed to not dial certain peoples numbers? Was I just plain crazy? What the hell was wrong with me? How did I even get into that place, in my dream I just woke up there. When I woke up for REAL, my face and eyes were sore from crying but my cheeks were dry and my body was sore too. What, did I run a marathon while I was dreaming.... geez!!!??????!!!!!!!

 

I know dreams can be bewildering, terrifying, inspiring, but do they mean anything? Are dreams the nonsensical byproduct of a sleeping brain or a window into our unconscious mind, rich with revelations? Why would Mother Nature highly activate our brain, paralyze our body, sexually activate us and force us to watch these things we call dreams? Why? Why would Mother Nature do that? Our dreams combine verbal, visual and emotional stimuli into a sometimes broken, nonsensical but often entertaining story line. We can sometimes even solve problems in our sleep. Or can we? Hmmm, many experts disagree on exactly what the purpose of our dreams might be. Are they strictly random brain impulses, or are our brains actually working through issues from our daily life while we sleep -- as a sort of coping mechanism? Should we even bother to interpret our dreams? Many say yes, that we have a great deal to learn from our dreams.

 

So it got me thinking, what the hell are dreams? What do they really mean? and Why do we even have them? I have my personal theory's, like we are purging our minds of unwanted clutter, we are refiling our events in our mind (thinking like a computer it would be defragging) or they are some of our worst fears being sent out forth to guide us and to warn us?

 

I'm going to write about this right now and try to work out my anxiety about this dream and what it means. I don't dream every night like I used to with my old meds, but the rare dreams I do have leave such a profound effect on me.

 

Matthew Wilson of MIT says "Dreaming is a process, and not only is it useful, it might be essential for making sense of the world. Dreams have been responsible for two Nobel prizes, the invention of a couple of major drugs, and innumerable novels, films and works of visual art."

 

The scientist most associated with dreams is still Sigmund Freud, who saw them as brimming with symbols, mostly sexual. Such symbols took form as the sleeping brain tried to disguise forbidden urges welling up from its unconscious, though even Freud cautioned that this kind of thinking could be taken too far. Again, Sigmund Freud, you bastard, you highly intelligent mother fucking bastard!!!!

 

I just found out why I ache when I vividly dream. Patrick McNamara says that "when our eyes are closed, our head has drooped, we don't answer when we're called by name. That is when we are clearly asleep but the electrical activity of the brain says we're awake. And it wasn't just our brainwaves that seemed strange. We were sexually aroused. Our heart rates and breathing became irregular. Our eyes dart about beneath shut lids. It is these eye movements that gave the state its name: Rapid Eye Movement, or REM sleep."

But what was REM sleep for? The answer seemed to come from the sleepers themselves. During REM sleep, what the researchers at NOVA invariably found, when people woke up a subject, the subject would report, "Hey I'm dreaming, and I just had a vivid dream." So was REM sleep dream sleep? The idea seemed more than plausible when you considered REM's most dramatic characteristic says Patrick McNamara. Another feature of REM sleep is that our muscle tone just goes absolutely down to zero. We become functionally paralyzed. If we are sitting up in a chair watching TV, and the head nods and falls forward and we fall asleep, that's not REM sleep. If we fall into REM sleep, we would literally roll off the chair onto the floor, because our body becomes absolutely relaxed, almost paralyzed, in the sense that we can't make our muscles actually work. And it becomes absolutely calm and non-responsive. Nature, it appears, has devised a special state of paralysis to house our dreams, one in which they remained internal experiences. It was a conclusion that seemed impossible to deny, when researchers learned to switch the paralysis off. So this should tell us something crucial about the nature of the mind, because if we want to understand what makes us tick, we need to look at dreams. The above being said by Patrick McNamara!!!

"Dreams are the touchstones of our characters." - Henry David Thoreau

So I say what do we know about dreams thus far? Well, neurons play a role, we don't really dream until we are REALLY asleep, in REM mode and that we get paralyzed. So what exactly ARE dreams in easy terms. Let me describe them simply. Dreams can include any of the images, thoughts and emotions that are experienced during sleep. Dreams can be extraordinarily vivid or very vague; filled with joyful emotions or frightening imagery; focused and understandable or unclear and confusing. They are sexual in nature even if we don't have sex in them?? Which is still confusing to me, if I am sexually aroused while I dream and I am not having sex in my dream, what's the fuss all about? (Maybe for another time I'll elaborate or when I understand it more myself)

Some researchers suggest that dreams serve no real purpose, while others believe that dreaming is essential to mental, emotional and physical well-being. Ernest Hoffman, director of the Sleep Disorders Center at Newton Wellesley Hospital in Boston, Mass., suggests that "...a possible (though certainly not proven) function of a dream to be weaving new material into the memory system in a way that both reduces emotional arousal and is adaptive in helping us cope with further trauma or stressful events."

Now in MY terms why we dream, as I suggested above. Dreams are the result of our brains trying to interpret external stimuli during sleep. Our brains could be like computers using the metaphor to account for our dreams, serving to 'clean up' clutter from the mind, much like clean-up operations in a computer, refreshing the mind to prepare for the next day. We can look at dream function as a form of psychotherapy. In my theory, the dreamer is able to make connections between different thoughts and emotions in a safe environment. What do you think? That is probably a scary question to post here as many people have different theories on dreams and their purposes. These are just mine.

I suppose that instead of fighting my dreams or fearing them, I will bring my proverbial bowl of popcorn to bed with me and enjoy the show. If I learn something, great, if I don't, that's just fine too. At least Freddie Krueger isn't here. So I might as well enjoy them!

Anya

Is there Splendor in Change?

 Why is it so hard to change? Another excellent question that provokes a lot of thoughts from me.  Everyone fears change in some way, shape or form. It's a natural instinct, like a self preservation. After all, fear in itself is a strong motivator. We are driven by 3 of the most powerful emotions known to most species.

1- Fear

2- Addictions

3- Love

I will talk about the first 2 right now, as they are tied together in more ways than you think. Because the common ground in fear and addiction is CHANGE!!! We fear the unknown and we fear our habits too, and that gives us consistency and security and if that somehow changes.... we are in a whirl of chaos instinctively. In short, if someone feels better with a smoke or beer or antidepressant, having them taken away promotes panic and fear. We were comfy getting our gratifying addictions met. We can be addicted to a person, and being without that person can pretty much make you feel like you lost an arm or something. We fear for our lives, or the lives of the people we deeply love, like our children and we have been known to pick up a car if our children were pinned under it in an accident or if someone grabbed our children, I can tell you that I would run threw fire, nails and at extreme speeds to catch up to the person who grabbed my kid, or die trying. It's fear.... the great motivator!

Now about the change part? Someone or something throwing a "monkey wrench" into my perfectly spinning wheel will definitely get my attention. I mean, I may not like my perfectly "spinning wheel" but it's consistency, right? It's called "Survival"

Our innate desire to survive, that is, our fear of death or being harmed, also instinctively drives us toward repetition. If we manage to survive a certain behavior, for example, we will likely survive it again. In this way we become prone to certain patterns of behavior. Make sense?

Much of human behavior, however, is more complex than that of other creatures. We are capable of, even dependent upon, learning much of our behavior from others. Through self reflection and self discipline we are often able to alter our patterns of behavior. But this does not mean we change our habits without any sort of reluctance, we fear change!!! No matter how miserable life can be, sometimes we would rather live in our tried and tested ruts than attempt something new for fear things might not work out and we'll end up worse off than we were to begin with. We are more than capable of ridding our neurosies and bad patterns or habits from our minds, but why rock the damn boat, right?

A few weeks ago, my Dad took me to eat at a Chinese Restaurant when I visited my hometown, I was in a bad place.  I got one of them fortune cookies that said something on the line of "Be prepared for a sudden, good change in your life" or something similar to that. I superstitiously kept it in my journal, taped it up on the top of my daily page and reflected about all the possible changes that can occur, especially the "good things" Lord knows I need some positive change in my life!!! I guess I am eager to see if this prediction will come true. I found this particular fortune pleasing.... but I usually throw out the ones I don't like..... that way.... they won't come true. LOL I know sudden changes, no matter how necessary, are not always happy. I suspect if we were always guaranteed our excursions into the unknown would end favorably we would all be a lot less reluctant to change.

Ok, more on the "fear" part that "drives" us. Repetitive behavior is often based on "fear" and the basic instinct or "addiction" to survive is in all of us. So, we tend to fear sudden changes, even when necessary, because change means new behavior, untried things and untested ideas. Scary huh?

Fear helps us too. Look at the lab rats, and I seen this on one of them Discovery Channel/Animal Planet shows that rats are hard to kill because they won't eat the poison in the traps, because it is embred or instinct for them to not eat new foods or go near new smells because it's embedded in their DNA from all their "rat" ancestors. LOL It's true. All them "new" technologies don't really work, you gotta put that slice of cheese on the trap and it will most often work. Old tried and true approaches still work. And if it works for rats, it's GOT to work on humans.... I mean kids won't eat a certain food cause it smells different or looks different than what they are used to. They need to "grow" out of that "pickiness" right? We all did....well, some of us still think like children (ahem....I can name a few LOL)

So, just as my fortune cookie suggests, we "choose" to move into the future, that is, to face change, and our "built in fear" of the unknown, out of "necessity". It is often said that "Necessity is the Mother of Invention." In 1658, Richard Franck said that quote in response to a popular Proverb. (I heard this on The History Channel and decided to look into it.) So, it is ultimately our creativity, our productive need to better ourselves, that drives us forward, into the unknown. In short, it is our willingness to try something new, despite our fearful tendencies.

Holding onto the past, you know, the tried and true, by living out those repetitive patterns of behavior, may enable us to survive today, the same way we did yesterday, but also prevents us from making significant advancements. We end up living the same day over and over again Just like one of my favorite movies with Bill Murray in the film, "Groundhog Day". A perfect example of this innate human tension between moving forward and holding back, between creativity and fear.... yeah.... I like that analogy. I can't believe I thought of that..... it makes sense now. See, I am learning what's inside me as I blog and purge my thoughts.

Now, I am going to stretch out on a limb here and say that we as humans, are addicted to "Domination". We dominate out of FEAR!! I can name several examples to this fact because we have been doing this throughout history without fail. In some way, all of these have taken place in the World, some we over-came, others we haven't yet. For examples, Empires dominate the weak, Monarchs and Dictators dominate their people, men dominate women (especially in the workforce) adults dominate children, majorities dominate minorities, the rich dominate the poor (this is a big one that pisses me off) the "First" World countries, like the US and Canada dominate the "Third" World countries like Africa, Asia to name a couple, and people dominate animals, and technology dominates the environment and now look what we got? Global Warming which leads to self destruction. Some patterns HAVE to go!!!! It's so hard to break from the old pattern. Genuine creativity comes out of chaos and now we got the electric cars in the making, the "Green" products are being featured everywhere, recycling.... we are scared now, so we are getting "creative" with our uses of products and how we treat our World. We should have been thinking about this long ago, but we didn't and I haven't and I am right along with the "majority" of us learning to except change.

So the bottom line on this topic is that if we want to change our reality, we need to change our patterns. A simple concept that is so hard to do. Human instinct is so hard to change.

Franklin D. Roosevelt once said in his Inaugural Address that "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself" Brilliantly said Mr. Roosevelt.

Anya

Splendor of the Chicken

Today, I went to a movie with MA, my daughter and her boyfriend. I had a great time laughing and not worrying about anything. EXCEPT A CARD!!!!! MA gave me a card, and I am afraid to open it. I won't open it, until I feel secure with it. I'm afraid of rejection, of him telling me there is no hope of this ever going further. So I haven't opened it, hence the Splendor of the Chicken, me being the big ass chicken. Blah, Why do I over anyalize? We held hands and hugged and it really felt good. I didn't have to worry about going too far and scarying off my little adorable chipmunk. To be honest, just holding his hand and being in his arms felt right. I felt the energy and my heart didn't go all wacko, just probably went 110 BPM for a few.  LOL

At the end, I got a small kiss and guess what? I didn't faint like I thought I was gonna do. Yeah! So that was a big step on my part. MA gets fearful of this display of affection, well, so do I. Him and I for different reasons probably (I think). I can tell you right now I have a weird sensation in the pit of my stomach. Is it anxiety over that card? A bit sadness that he had to go home and I'll miss being near him. He makes me feel good about myself and I hope I make him feel good about himself. I am a straight up romantic, and prefer romance over straight up raunchy sex. Despite all my Erotica writing, I really am a good girl. I won't have sex just for the sake of having sex. I do want it to mean something. Call me old fashion, but I really prefer making love and having passion. That kind of sex feels right. I will wait for that kind of sex. Right now, I am NOT having sex, haven't for awhile, unless you call self pleasuring sex, but even that I call making love to myself. Last night, I burned candles, incense, and even treated myself to cheese and crackers. I romanced myself and I actually felt fulfilled.

So, I can definately live with small kisses, hand holding and I could cuddle for hours. It is more refreshing for a guy to cuddle than to just wham bam thank you mam which I can't stand. I am content with the way things are going. But once I do feel "comfortable" enough for that next step, which to me is a form of communication, I will want to have it often, as much as I can, but I won't stray. Maybe, I'm just a weirdo?

The next thing I'm being a big chicken about is my surgery. I am so fucking scared. Before, to be honest, with the way my life has been going lately with the soon to be ex, I thought dying on the table may be easier. Now I WANT to live, I want to see where this friendship will go, and at the risk of sounding corny, I have something to live for now, meaning another chance. It's a new start again. I will never quit quiting in my life. I can't fear every little failure, I have to look forward to the future, because life really is too short to waste it. So I am gonna keep smiling, and living it up, going to the movies, bowling, walking in the woods, sitting watching DVD's while being a cuddle bug, slow dancing, all CLEAN ways of comforting. But I will still be getting my vibrators thank you very much Trojan :-)  I have to get some practice again. But they say having sex after a really long time is like riding a bike, you never really forget how to do it, it just feels a little awkard until you get some practice in. Yeah, I am going to practice on myself :-)

Damn, I was talking about my upcoming surgery!!!! How did I get back on the topic of sex. LOL Mr Freud, you Bastard!!!! OK, so this surgery on Thursday, has me a bit scared. I will fight to recover, so I can start my life on a clean slate. I will be the new Anya. I will live my life to it's fullest, be the nicest I can be and of course cultivate my relationship with MA, in whatever way it goes. I am smiling now. I hope he is smiling. He has a beautiful smile. I know he hates compliments, but I like to give them when ones are due.

Well, I got this off my chest. I can probably try to get some rest? I do feel so insecure though. Which is hard to sleep feeling that way. I do have a really good brainstorm on a blog post about why people have a hard time letting go of the past. I was gonna finish it up tonight, but my head isn't really into it right now. I will finish it tomorrow. Probably no Erotica for a little while. I don't feel the drive right now. But when I feel an inspiration coming on, I will definately post. I will have to think of a different scenario since I can't find my flash drive with all my good stuff on it, but I am sure my inspiration would appreciate my creativity being new than on an old creative muse?
Until next time,
Chicken Anya

The Splendor of Scarcity or Abundance

Scarcity or Abundance, Choice or Fate?

Yesterday I got to talk to my old friend from the "other side of the state" and we got to talking about money, and Christmas gifts and how commercialized this holiday season has become over the years. He mentioned that we don't really "need" money to survive. It isn't worth the paper it's printed on. He made me think seriously what the importance of scarcity in my life really means and I now think it's a blessing. He has many great views that I have to admit, I haven't been living too. I never thought of him in that sense, but you never really know somebody until you sit down and talk with them, albeit over the phone,  to really appreciate what they have to say AND learn from them. What an amazing person he is to have in this world, if only 1/2 of this world's population thought like him, this world would be a better, and more peaceful place. It would be a less chaotic place to live. It's the simplicity that is most important. He even needs new boots but insists they are the most comfortable and in the past, I would just be livid if I was forced to walk in shoes like that. So I want to write in my blog about SCARCITY and it's opposite, ABUNDANCE and the CHOICES we make as opposed to the FATE that is sent to us and why I think they are all interconnected.

So I guess the big question is, is scarcity a choice or is it something that is thrown in our space of existence that we have no control over, something we have to DEAL with and ACCEPT, like fate? If we fall victim, is there a cure? Do we even want a cure? So often nowadays, we hear talk of scarcity and fear on the TV, Radio and the Internet. So, is it a myth or are we co-creating a reality of scarcity? As we all know, scarcity is one of the undesirables of dis-ease, as I call it, so what can we do to move out of this dis-ease and into well-being?

It seems that many people continue to retreat further into their bunkers of fear, isolation and scarcity becoming more and more convinced that they need to hold on to what they have because they are about to lose it. It is true that staying out of judgment and away from scarcity are daily challenges for most of us living in the "material world". A world where we are told more is better and what you don't have matters more than what you do have.

So, is it possible that scarcity is just an illusion fueled by fear of loss, jealousy and the envy of others?

How ironic would it be if we were creating an abundance of scarcity?

How wonderful it could be if we were to create an abundance of abundance?

To me both abundance and scarcity are not only to a large extent choices, they are also ways of being. Over the years I have met some very wealthy people, truly advantaged in so many different ways, but who live in complete scarcity and fear. Fear of losing everything they have, totally blind to the real "abundance" in their lives which are their friends, family, good health etc. Since I seem to be the "Go To Girl" for advice because I study Metaphysics like Tarot and the like, they ask me what is going to happen to them? Can I confirm the worst in my Tarot readings? Is ruin near at hand, and if so, how do they avoid it? Often times they don't HEAR the good news but instead look for ways to confirm their fears and fuel their worst suspicions trying to fulfill "their" prophecy of loss. I can't help these people, they don't really want my help, they want me to validate their feelings and then blame me if it happens and pass the buck on to me as a scapegoat. It pisses me off to no end and that is part of the reason I no longer do tarot readings except for my very close people in my life.

The question that I would ask here is, "if you truly believe that you deserve the life that you have created, the joy, the happiness and the material wealth, why would you think that you might loose it all one day?"

Often times we can hold onto things out of scarcity that no longer serve our highest good, fearful of the void we would create if we let go. This certainly has been and continues to be, one of the biggest roadblocks for the people I've talked with over the years. Remember that quote that went something like "Better the devil you know, than the devil you don't know!" The question I would ask, "why have any devils in your life at all?" The truth is that by letting go, clearing, or releasing that which no-longer serves us, we create space for wonderful, joyous, new opportunities and experiences to enter and enrich our lives. Why focus on what we think is lacking or missing? All that will happen is that we will attract more of the same.

How much of what we see as lacking, is simply what we would like to manifest in our lives, but haven't figured out how to yet?
When we fall into the void of scarcity how do we get out?
If the opposite of scarcity is abundance, do we find abundance by doing, saying and being the opposite of scarcity?

Here are some things, I believe, you can do to help clear the energy of scarcity from your space.

• SMILE
• Laugh
• Greet people with a SMILE instead of looking the other way, or flicking them off!!!
• Do more of the things that you like to do
• Do more of the things that inspire you
• Do more of the things that you are enthusiastic about
• Surrender and have faith. Let the Universe help you out... what will be will be. Que Sera Sera, remember that song?
• Get out of your own way!
• Think about what you have going for you and be thankful... SMILE
• Think about the challenges in your life and be thankful for all the lessons you will learn... SMILE
• Figure out what you want to do and do it. Don't know? Why not start by doing the opposite of what you don't want to do?
• SMILE
• Acknowledge that life is the biggest gift of all. We are all incredibly blessed to be in the here and now breathing... SMILE
• Believe in yourself... SMILE
• Believe in others... SMILE
• Let go of limitations and open your mind to new possibilities
• Be authentic in all you do
• Give yourself PERMISSION
• Enjoy each moment... SMILE
• Face your fears with a SMILE
• Did I mention SMILE!!! ..

Strange... I never give too much advice much! OK as a suggestion... if you were to follow the above WITHOUT ANY EFFORT, with the most important being just to SMILE, you'd be out of scarcity and well on the way to abundance in no time at all! Think of James Stewart in "It's A Wonderful Life" and you will appreciate life so much.

Enjoy your journey...
Anya

Erotic Blog: Splendor in my Hands

Tonight, I am feeling a bit horny. I was gonna try to find my Erotica writings on my Flash Drive and can't find it, so I have to come up with some inspiration. This is just a fantasy. I am sure MA will be a good inspiration for now, until I find my works of art. This is MY imagination working over time and my hand tonight.

"Hi, Come in" he said, as he stepped aside to let me in. "No one's home so we have the place to ourselves"

I blushed, but all he has on his face was an innocent look. I need to keep these thoughts in check I said to myself. I'm looking all flushed, trying to tone down my hormones.

He asked me if I wanted something to drink, a water, a pop and I told him thank you. He then asked if I wanted to see his room, and I immediately got nervous, I couldn't move my feet. He said "we can go online or watch a movie if you want?"

I was finally able to move forward. I caught a whiff of his scent as I was following behind him and entered his room, to that same ethereal scent I've been following behind that I am so attracted to. He asked me "What is wrong?" I answered "Absolutely nothing" with a smile. What was I going to say to him, that I'm attracted to your natural scent? Incidentally, that happens when you are chemically compatible with your mate. I smile again and he asks me to sit down in front of his PC.

As I was reading some stuff off the Internet, he was leaning into me, reading over my shoulder, breathing into my neck. I got the shivers, damn it!!! I got to be a good girl today!!! I want to turn around and look at him, but I can't. My heart is thumping out of my chest. I better not be having a damn heart attack!!!!

Then, I was in the shock of my life, he must have heard my heart going like a jackhammer on high because I felt his lips on my neck, tenderly caressing it, and sniffing me. I can't believe how aroused this is getting me. I need to maintain!!! He didn't stop, I sat there frozen, head tilted to the side. So I lifted my head up facing him and he was shaking too, not knowing if he was doing the right thing. But he took the chance and lowered his head and gently kissed my lips. I swear I was going to faint right then and there, but he kept his composure and continued to gently kiss me. That is when I deepened the kiss and gave him a taste of my tongue, he moaned a bit, I was done in.

I reached for his leg and ran my hand up until I reached his crotch, groping his erection threw his pants. My fingers kneaded the stiffening flesh, massaging it to full capacity and my clit swelled and buzzed in response. He inhaled deeply and moaned and put his hand on mine giving me permission to continue.

His hard-on squirmed, discharging a spot of fluid which made a dark circle on his pants creating a perfect target for my fingers to aim toward. As I stroked him threw the material, he gasped. Perspiration dotted his upper lip, and I licked it off before descending to my knees to open his fly. OH HOT DAMN!!!!! I can't believe this is happening. I also need to be gentle to this delicate man.

After slipping his fleshy boner out, I gazed up with my lips just millimeters from his cock head, taunting him. His tool shivered when a gust of my hot breath blew over it.

His fingers wrapped around a handful of my hair, urging me to push my mouth down his long shaft. But he hesitated, not sure if this was the right thing to do. With pleasure, I opened my lips and wriggled my tongue over the plumped tip of his cock. The taste of his gooey pre-cum was surprisingly delicious, but I couldn't help teasing him again by pulling my mouth away before taking another lick, then plunged down deep. This time, he pulled away and it startled me. I asked him "didn't it feel good?"

He pulled me towards his bed, and said "It feels amazing, don't stop please" I breathed a sigh of relief and my heart started beating hard again.

I went back to going down on him and after a few minutes he pulled me off him again and I asked "I know it's been a while, are you going to cum already?" as I nuzzled his stomach taking in his scent again.

A broad smile played on his lips as he lifted me to my feet and said "you first!!!"

His mouth swooped down on mine and our bodies collided. Drunk with lust and excitement, we fell back onto the bed. He reached down for the first time to touch me in the RIGHT spot over my clothes. OMG!!! it felt amazing and I knew I was very damp and feeling insecure I closed my legs on his hand. He kissed me again, gently while coaxing my legs open again as he rubbed his finger over me until I swear my clit popped out from my pants, cause it was beginning to feel uncomfortable. Sensing this, he unzipped my pants and paused, as if asking if this was OK. I just said I need a blanket to be under because I am very self-conscious of my body and he told me not to worry as he was too with his own body. It just felt right. So I let him undress me, peeling off my pants and underwear. I shut my eyes and took heaping gulps of air as my lover began his steamy exploration. A shiver shook me when his lips moved from my lips to my neck to my left breast to my navel and then to just above my pubic patch. Continuing his erotic mission, his wet mouth traveled to the insides of my thighs, nibbling and licking every sensitive square inch.

I opened my eyes and peered down at him at the same time closing my legs on his poor face. "I'm not comfortable with you going down on me just yet. I am VERY insecure about that, it takes time and more trust to open myself to you kissing the center of my soul and existence. We need to work on that one in the future" He stopped and kissed my belly and made his way back up to my mouth and he took his thumb and rolled it over my clit and I bucked up in response and he gave me that little snarky smile and kissed me again, more passionately. Our tongues danced together, tasting each other and I swear I tried not to scream from pleasure, as he fingered me and played my body like an experienced musician with ease and I was feeling close to eruption. He rose up to join me, and we shared a soulful, succulent kiss that somehow tasted like honey. He was full on top of me and I spread my legs open for him so he can get a better position on me but his pants were still on with his hard cock escaping his fly, rubbing and tickling up against my sex, I again wanted to scream but moaned softly in his ear. We continued kissing and grinding into each other for what seemed like a half hour to me and I could feel that he was getting uncomfortable. So I pulled his pants down over his hips and he pushed them down to the foot of the bed. I was in heaven. He was there in his full glory. I wanted him inside me right then and there but he kept teasing me.

I asked him if he was safe and he said "yes, that he's been tested", he knew I've been tested and clean so we proceeded on our journey of comfort. He lowered himself directly over my sex, slipping inside me slowly as it was starting to hurt a little cause it's been a long time since I had sex, or made love for that matter. He eased into me slowly, pausing after each centimeter until he was all the way inside me, deep into my warm core, hugging his most precious body part and he held it there a minute making sure my body accommodated him. When I started to thrust my hips up he began to move slowly but with more rhythm while kissing me. We looked into each others eyes, he looked a little embarrassed and I wrapped my arms around him gently reassuring him that this was OK. We were being comforted in each others arms as he rocked me up and down with his soft thrusts.

After a bit his thrusts became more hurried and his breathing was much harder now and I started meeting his hips with every thrust until he told me to cum with him. He reached down, rubbed my clit as he thrust his cock into me and I started to cum and he soon followed. I felt every muscle in his cock contract as he felt mine do the same and the warm fluid released inside me mixing with mine and I felt content. He kissed my forehead and slowly pulled himself out of me while pulling me up against him and snuggled into his arms. I heard his heartbeat and I ran my fingers over his beautiful chest and stomach, caressing him lightly, while dosing off for a bit so we can do this all over again. It was pure BLISS!!!!

It's like THAT, Baby!!!!

Anya

Splendor in My Grass

Yes, you guessed it! This post is going to be about me finally getting some pleasure. It has been quite a while since I had sex. 10 months to be exact!!! Now, it's not like I haven't pleasured myself, but I don't do it often. Maybe 2-3 times in that 10 months. I am not sure if it's the meds for depression that is surpressing my sex drive or if it's the way I've been treated. My sex with the soon to be ex-husband has NOT been fulfilling. I'd have to initiate it, and then he wouldn't touch me down there, I'd have to blow him till he was ready to do it, and then it was get on your knees, my face in the pillow. I haven't had missionary, face to face sex in ???? years. But we're averageing about 3 times a year in the last 5 years. Oh and NOOOOOO kissing, at all!!!! It was considered a wifely duty to have sex but he never wanted me to call it that, he'd get mad at me. Now, when he asked for a blow job, good ole me was the one to provide it, with no sexual release for me. The only boost of confidence I ever got in the bedroom from him was that I'm the best at it, and several people have told me that over the years. Maybe too much practice????? I don't sleep around mind you. (Just 1 lover who don't come around in a year)

So, today, I want to talk about vibrators. I am in the market to buy a good one, (or two) I have some I bought a long time ago. They are in boxes since the move back in 2008 and well, I am disgusted to say, my kids found them and wondered what they were for. LOL Now I will NEVER use them and to be honest, I don't even know which boxes they found them in, I won't ask and hopefully they've forgotten. Plus, don't them things have an expiration date on them. How many self screws can you get off them things?

I am looking to get a Trojan Brand vibrator. Since, I've been using my hands, maybe getting that Vibrating Ring would work, it's like having vibrating fingers. I'd also like to get the Trojan Vibrating Tri-Phoria. I looked into the Rabbit as in Sex and the City mentions, but it looks scary and I don't want anything too large cause I think my Hooha has shrunk and after my surgery, it's gonna be even smaller. I may be a virgin again. LOL My doctor already told me the first few sex sessions will hurt or at least be uncomfortable after I have this surgery. So if I get a lover, he MUST be gentle. I'm afraid I'll rip. So, maybe I will just stick to the Vibrating Ring for now and get all the Cliterol stimulation to reach my big O.

Lately I've been feeling a bit frisky. I've been interested in someone, let's call him Mr. Adorable, or MA, and he is so kind and gentle. We went to the movies together and we held hands, our hands fit so well together and his touch kinda stole my breathe away because he has so much of that chemical energy pouring through him. When I first saw him, I felt that energy and thought to myself, I want to at least be friends with him, just to be near him, cause he's like an enigma to me, very puzzling, very mysterious, our chemisty is like Nitroglycerin. I feel it every time I am near him. That spark. BOOM! If he ever kissed me, I'd pass out, I just know it, because I couldn't handle the constant heart pounding, it's sick!!!! A few times when I was near him I thought I was having angina or the start of a heart attack. My heart was pounding out of my chest! The only other person who has been able to achieve that was Romeo. But, I can't remember it being this strong, but I am sure it was with Romeo. But he is not ready to be in a relationship, not even a fling, so I respect that and will stay by his side. Because he is worth it and just being near him is plenty worth it. I hope to slowly break down his shell he's got himself deep into, but I won't rush it. He reminds me of a cute little chipmuck in the forest. You come up to it with a handful of nuts and he looks at you interested but fearful of you, so he moves forward some with your hand gently out offering the nourishment and he then backs away. But yet, he hesitates alittle not sure if I'm a threat or not and still not sure whether to take my nuts and obtain nourishment. So I just put the nuts down by the tree and walk slowly back, away from his space, to see what he'll do. He eventually goes to eat the nuts, and will look at me, and me not knowing if he thinks I'm the one that provided the nuts. So I try to go back over to pet him and he runs away and leaves what's left of the nuts. He thought it was a trap, which makes me sad. All I wanted to do was show kindness and comfort but I'm not to be trusted yet. Well, that's OK for now, MA will learn to trust me. Actions speak louder than words and I accept that challenge. He will always be my friend, and hopefully one day, it will be more than that.

So, until then, I am off to purchase some much needed vibrators. As I said, I really like the Trojan Brand of Vibrators and NO, I am not getting any kickback from Trojan mentioning them in my blog. I am just looking for a safe clean way to pleasure myself. It's time to start cultivating my grass again.
Anya