I offered the proverbial olive branch to MA. I've been miserable the last couple weeks with us not talking, or going to the movies or coffee. I been doing a lot of thinking, especially during my workouts, where I focus on just what is going on in my head. I sometimes think too much and sometimes, I don't think enough. I hope I am doing the right thing. I know I will end up getting hurt though, but I am the one who is stronger, I believe, and can handle it. I've been living with disappointment my whole life, starting in early childhood.
My Mom would promise me something, then she'd change her mind or make it on her terms, or she'd make the whole experience miserable. She was miserable, her whole life. She settled with my Dad. She was engaged to a man named Ronnie. He left her at the alter. He never showed up to the church, then later the next day he came over to see my Mom and said, he was a gambler and he couldn't bring her down. But when my Mom was engaged to my Dad, Ronnie came to my Dad's house and talked to my Grandma, and asked her to persuade her son into not marrying my Mom because she was crazy. My Mom was 33 years old when she got married, which is considered old back in the early 70's. They had me 2 years later. My Mom settled she said and felt sorry for my Dad, who was 26 and working at Kelsey Hayes, after getting out of the Army with a Purple Heart.
When my Mom was pregnant with me, she always claimed that I was Ronnie's baby. When my Dad was driving down Beech Daly, she tried to jump out of the car. She went into a lot of hysterics my Dad said. My Mom was abused since she was a child, as was all her sisters, by her father, my grandfather, who also abused me, sexually. He started as long as I can remember, all the way until I was about 13. Then again, when I was married and my husband witnessed it, and got me out of the house. He also tried it with my oldest daughter. Thank God he had limited access to my children. I had a massive nervous breakdown and was blamed for allowing my daughter to witness this and was accused of wanting to be abused for attention because I couldn't fight off an 88 year old man. The psych nurse was very abusive to me, she interigated me in a closed room and accused me of awful things, she said awful things. I asked her why she was doing this to me and I can quote her like it was just happening. She said "Me doing this to you? No, you did this to you. People like you should never procreate. You allowed your daughter to be subjected to your grandfather because you were crying out for attention." She said so many things that I cried for days. This was Havenwyck Hospital. It was a horrible place.
Anyway, the whole point of going down memory lane, is that I am strong. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. I am beast right now. I can handle a lot of things. My soon to be ex, he has hurt me. My other ex, he has hurt me. My ex-fiance hurt me. I have not had enough love to know what love is all about. My parents didn't have a loving relationship. My Dad loved my Mom, but she didn't love him. She abused him and still does. So I am the first to admit I know NOTHING about love or what it means. The whole concept of love for me is dysfunctional. But I will get by.
All I know, is that I am attached to MA and I miss him. I don't know what that means? I promised myself that I would never fall for anyone again. I lived through 16 years of marriage that was 85% of it unlovable. I haven't had sex since July 1st (ex says) however, I REMEMBER the last time I having sex was February 21st, my birthday. We didn't even have sex on Valentine's Day. He worked. It's gonna be a YEAR since I remember having sex. Again, this is making me STRONGER!!!! But I do want to lay close to someone and I do want to have sex again. When the time is right, it will happen and with whom, I don't know? But I will not have sex with just anybody. I've never been that type of girl. I am not looking forward to being single. I am not one for the dating world. I prefer to meet people through friends, groups I know and familiar SAFE places.
Well, this was more of a serious blog tonight. I will try to think of something light hearted tomorrow.
G'Nite!!!
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