I woke up at 3:30am, after about 3 hours of sleep. I look hard on the eyes, bags under my eyes, dark circles and burning eyes, I ache all over from the intense crying. The full moon last night really did a number on my family. I will walk you through this horrible day and maybe I can make sense of it all and maybe try to function better today and move on. However, I don't think this is possible, because of how I am feeling.
I woke up yesterday, Feb 7th, feeling sick with a sore throat and body aches but with hope. I was going to see my therapist and get things off my chest. She didn't yell at me over MA, like she did last time, but rather kinda encouraged it which through me off. I talked about my parents wanting me to move back to Detroit. I would never. We discussed boundaries, and my divorce and that I am doing the right thing. I should pat myself on the back.
I got home at 2:05pm 25 minutes before going to pick the kids at school and soon to be ex-husband asks to talk to me. Everyone knows that the statement "We need to talk" is bad, bad, bad and you should run for the hills when hearing it!!!! So we talked and he asked me to move out ASAP!!! He states that with me being here, he can't move on properly and it's not fair to him. That I already moved out mentally. He kept going on.... I was crying and lost and I believe he wants me to take the kids with me. I left to get the kids in tears. I came home, made dinner and helped the kids with homework. I took daughter to cheer practice and son to Community Center. I fell asleep and soon to be ex picked up kids. I got up and took son and other daughter to Catechism, came home and jogged for 80 minutes, then went to go pick them up at 8pm.
8:30 was the worst of the day. Oldest daughter and her boyfriend come down, tag teaming my second oldest child, calling her a "bitch" & "self rightous bitch" and how much they hate her, accused her of not flushing the toilet, which I know is my youngest child, she does it all the time and accused her of throwing the shower towels on the ground, which my son does this, I witness it all the time. Daughter's boyfriend pointed his finger in my 2nd oldest daughters face and calling her a "bible thumper" and that he and my oldest daughter want to move out because of her and they can't stand her perky cheerleading attitude, they said her attitude is making it hard for them to come out of their room. They said she doesn't love her family. It was pick on Child Number 2 day cause my son throw a wad of napkins in her face and she cried and asked "why did you do that to me "and he said "because I hate you".
So I called everyone down, and told the boyfriend not to talk to my daughter like that, that I want peace and kindness in this house. Daughter #2 already ran upstairs looking for a way to kill herself, crying so hard. I had my son flipping out telling me he doesn't know why he hates sibling #2 and I got on his case about his being dirty and leaving dirty pudding cups around, gum on my lamp stand, my missing sugar container in his room and sucker sticks and pop cans thrown in his room all over with clothes I just washed mixed with dirty clothes scattered all over the floor. I am afraid that I'd get lost in that room, or something would come out and bite me, it's THAT bad. He of course flipped out at me, and said that, that is his way of keeping order. That he hates everyone in the house, and he wants to die cause he don't know why he wants to hurt people, especially daughter #2. So I have 2 suicidals in my house. My youngest is trying to be the peace maker, and bless her heart, everyone keeps yelling at her, and she is off in tears. I go to comfort her and I see daughter #2 in a blanket, crying hysterically. Telling me she will have nightmares of oldest daughter's boyfriend pointing at her and yelling at her and she is scared and traumatized. Oldest daughter hears this and says "boo hoo, give me a break, grow up, this is why everyone hates you, you big cry baby, you act like such a goody goody, and you volunteer all the time and ass kiss to the teachers, bible thumper" among other things. The crying is harder, I am crying harder, I asked oldest daugher to leave the room. She has to tell me that technically she isn't in the room, she is in the doorway. Daughter #2 is begging me for help in not trying to kill herself. She said she wanted to throw herself down the stairs, or take handfuls of my medicine. I cried with her in my arms. Her and my youngest who share a room told me that my son threatened to shoot them with a gun if the cereal they picked out sucked. I went into son's room, dragged his ass out and confronted him about his behavior in the girls room, demanded he apologize and I threatened to make him stay home from today's basketball game. He flipped, cried, then apologized, then said he needs counseling and ADD meds and wants me to take him, and he got up in my face, then said "see, I wanted to punch you but stopped myself, what if I can't stop myself next time, I need medicine and counseling" <note to self: call someone who can help me with son>
All this, and soon to be ex husband ignores what is going on. He keeps sitting back in his room, leaving me with the burden on 5 unruly, emo kids. I am breaking down at this point, from just crying to being hysterical. I told Colin, "see, where the hell is your father, he is not helping here, I can't do it all, I feel like killing myself too" (I know bad thing to say in front of your kids) So he ran down, let his father have it. Him and my son come upstairs and soon to be ex LETS ME HAVE IT!!!!!!! He tells me that it's all my fault that I am the one who let oldest daughter's boyfriend move in so they can live together, that I am weak and have already moved out mentally and I am breaking up a home, even though it's dysfunctional, I am giving up. Oh, and he had to bring up my hair issue, cause I am not fat anymore (he makes fun of fat people like when they walk by he says ba boom ba boom....) so he reminds me that my hair is falling out and I "better start wearing the wigs I bought" Cause he knows this hurts like no other. For the record, my son now makes fun of fat people. Always calling people "fatties" IT MAKES ME SICK!!!!
While he was finger pointing, I kept asking him what I did wrong? He couldn't answer me. All 3 of my kids said I did nothing wrong but son said I need to stop saying I want to kill myself cause it is "messing with <his> head" I get that, I am not perfect, but I lost control of the situation. No help!!! 3 people in the house wanted to check out last night. There is so much more that I could type. I am just exhausted. My bloodsugar, after being in the 70's 80's and some 90's for 2 months was 126 this morning. It went up to 137 an hour later. All I had was coffee this morning. The stress is killing me.
I feel like running away. Last night, I texted MA, but didn't get his return message until this morning. I must have fallen asleep. I cried myself to sleep last night, playing Cry by Kelly Clarkson over and over and over and over. I had it on repeat. I listened to it on repeat this morning too. I am listening to it right now. I thought I'd share this beautiful song with you. Here it is. Like I said before. I own no rights to the song, I didn't write it or anything, this is Kelly Clarkson's brilliant and beautiful performance.
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