Conscious communication requires us to be truly present to what is occurring. When we are unconscious, we both speak to and react to others out of habit. And in the face of what we perceive as someone’s judgment and criticism, we automatically (and unconsciously) defend, withdraw or attack.
To communicate consciously requires attention to two areas:
I need to speak from awareness of what I am perceiving, feeling and needing, and
Through watching and listening, I need to be aware of those same needs in others.
All my life, I have misjudged the power of making requests and setting boundaries and that making these requests and setting those boundaries will greatly move towards my goals. Did I mention that the art of requesting is one of the most IMPORTANT communication skills anyone can have?
There are several components to making GREAT requests.
First you need to understand the distinction between a request, a demand and a wish. A wish is when we hope someone might take note of what we ask for. The language used is likely to be non-specific, the tone of voice is hopeful, or hopeless, and there is very little commitment to the asking. Often the outcome is not forthcoming. A demand has limited choice. You either do what is demanded, or you don't. There is little availability for negotiation. People build resentment when they believe there is a demand on them. BUT, when we are making a request, we are creating CHOICE!!! For example, we are at the dinner table and I ask you to pass the salt, what are your options? You could pass me the salt, give it to someone else, tell me to get it myself or to go get bent, but still it leaves open choices. It empowers. Don't make a request unless you want the person to have choices and you would be completely satisfied if their response was no. See, that is the hard part for me.
Secondly, requesting takes a good measure of self-esteem. Something I've battled with my whole life. Wishes occur when someone thinks they are not worthy of making a specific request. They are afraid of having their request rejected, and so enter the conversation expecting the outcome to be unfulfilled. To make a clear specific request requires a high degree of self-esteem. The requester needs to know that saying NO to a request does not have to be saying NO to THEM, the person. They are not the request, right? Although asking someone for dinner may be linked to whether they want to spend time with me, or the person has other commitments or just doesn't like the restaurant I suggested. Another point I know all so well, I sold some things for a direct sales company, I cold called and got hung up on, I went door to door and got the door shut in my face. Were they rejecting me? Maybe, but more likely, my product. It just hurt and therefore self -esteem gets shot to hell. The biggest risk in making requests in that people will say NO. Rejection is one of the great fears that humans hold. But people COULD say YES!!!! :-)
Third, you need a clear intention. Intention lives in the future. You have to see, feel, believe, and know what the outcome will be. I deal with this quit a bit. My child will make a request for something at the store. I will say no. My child will ask again and again and yes, my friends, AGAIN!!! But when I say no, and there is no possibility in my mind that my child will get the request, my child is not likely to continue making the requests for the same thing, and if they do, it will be simply to check that they really did hear that NO meant NO. My intention was clearly that the request would not be granted, now or in the future.
Fourth, When making requests, state your request clearly, concisely and in a way that people will be able to HEAR it. So the first part is clarity. Be clear and specific about want you want. Give details, timing, color, your expectations, desired outcome, how you want to feel, look, be packaged, the cost, it's age and texture, make and model. Don't go on and on about frivolous things that make the request seem too complicated cause unnecessary words create confusion. Make sure you phrase your request in a way that people will hear it.
Last and not least, when making requests, ask someone who can say YES or is likely to say yes. It is so important that you ask the right person to say yes to your request. Always check before hand. Like I did when selling the make-up, and the kitchenware. Did they LOVE to wear makeup, were they vain, did they love to cook, did they host parties a lot. Those people are more likely to say yes than say, the nun who counsels you about your love life and wears zero makeup. LOL
The bottom line is people should know that if they don't ask, they don't get. They operate from the place of "There is no harm in asking? Some people automatically ASSUME that the person is too busy or too unapproachable to ask for help. But most people are very generous you will see once you start your Conscious Communication. It helps in leadership skills as well.
I just need to practice these skills too. I have them, and I am beginning to use them more often. Hope this helps you.
No comments:
Post a Comment