Yesterday, MA opened the door for me and although I thanked him, it just felt wrong!!!! He offered to pay for my pop and guess what, if he would have laid the cash on the counter, I would have been totally besides myself, I almost ran over him, and past him to get to the counter before him so I could be the one who pays for it. What the hell is wrong with me? I am not ready to lower my guard I guess. Not yet, not even for him. I trust him, and he's special to me but I can't get past letting him be nice to me.
I am just waiting for him to turn on me and say something derogatory towards me. I am waiting for him to say I am always doing something wrong, or I am not doing it fast enough, or I am somehow letting people down. I am waiting for him to call me ugly, fat, scarred up (although he hasn't seen my body in that way) I am waiting to let him down in some way, shape or form in my lack of either abilities, looks, personality (OK, I can be a bit flaky at times, but I think I make up for it with my good nature?)
Yesterday, soon to be ex didn't even want to get me a towel when I took a shower and forgot mine in the dryer and I was freezing, he sent my son in to hand me the towel, followed by my daughter, cause she thought I was hurt with my bellowing for a fucking towel, I was so chilled. Soon to be ex, peered his head in the bathroom to see that I wasn't a bloody heap on the floor when he asked "what do you want?" I said "a towel, please, please" <--see I still beg for a reasonable request!!!! He looked at me with disgust. Yes, I may be a bit overweight, and have scars, and I may not be some beautiful Victoria Secret Model, but if he thinks he can obtain one, by all means, oogle and try. But please, don't make me feel ugly.
I paid the utility bill today, I pay for a lot, I pay with my life, my breath, my blood, my sanity, I pay for everything and although, when it comes to the ones I love, or, care deeply for, I don't mind paying, because, I like nurturing and being romantic. So, yes, I may be jaded with this love business, I also know that each time love hurts me, I get better at loving. I know it inside and out in a way. I know what to do and what not to do. It makes me a better lover, not necessarily in the physical way, although, I can get my freak on better than 25 years go, I just know things that only experience can provide me with.
Another thing that upset me today was soon to be ex getting the $300 check for what happened to my daughter at birth. He gets paid "pain and suffering money" till she is 18 years old and my daughter will get paid for life at 18 and me, well, I at the point of birthing her had a few nervous breakdowns, so they said I was already "mad" to begin with. That was the most painful experience I ever went through to date, both physically, mentally, spiritually. My daughter got stuck coming out, my doctor, no OB's for that matter, were there, her cord snapped in me, both of us losing lots of blood, blood was on the ceiling for crying out loud from the spraying of the cord snapping. She flatlined, I was one big whole, and after 15 years of hooha discomfort, I finally got it fixed last month along with my Hysterectomy. I wasn't even sewed up right after giving birth. I was having BM's out of both my hooha and butt, until I got resewed 14 years ago. I had bad infections, I had physical pain and the pain of not seeing my babygirl for 12 hours after birth. All her ribs were broken, she has a Left Brachial Plexus Palsy, Horner's Syndrome, she had a huge cephahematoma on her head, she looked like Oscar De La Hoya after a bad fight. She couldn't cry, she hissed. My poor baby and she continued to have OT/PT twice a week at U of M for 8 years + and her left arm is now smaller than her right arm and it has limited uses. Why am I bringing this up now? BECAUSE MY FUCKING SOON TO BE EX GOT HIS $300 FOR FREE, HE DIDN'T CLEAN MY CAR WINDOWS OF ICE AND SNOW, HE DIDN'T SHOVEL, HE LOOKS AT ME WITH DISGUST, LIKE I AM SOME UGLY PIG!!!! What else? The joke is on me. He never really loved me!!!! If he did, he wouldn't treat me like he has. I went out of my way to show my love and it was for NOTHING!!! He never appreciated it. I AM FUCKING PISSED. I could keep going on and on but I won't. Last night after coming home from a wonderful day, he made nasty remarks to me. I am a loser. I really feel like a looser right now. I am going into my shell and hiding for a while.
:-(
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