Splendor of the Chicken

Today, I went to a movie with MA, my daughter and her boyfriend. I had a great time laughing and not worrying about anything. EXCEPT A CARD!!!!! MA gave me a card, and I am afraid to open it. I won't open it, until I feel secure with it. I'm afraid of rejection, of him telling me there is no hope of this ever going further. So I haven't opened it, hence the Splendor of the Chicken, me being the big ass chicken. Blah, Why do I over anyalize? We held hands and hugged and it really felt good. I didn't have to worry about going too far and scarying off my little adorable chipmunk. To be honest, just holding his hand and being in his arms felt right. I felt the energy and my heart didn't go all wacko, just probably went 110 BPM for a few.  LOL

At the end, I got a small kiss and guess what? I didn't faint like I thought I was gonna do. Yeah! So that was a big step on my part. MA gets fearful of this display of affection, well, so do I. Him and I for different reasons probably (I think). I can tell you right now I have a weird sensation in the pit of my stomach. Is it anxiety over that card? A bit sadness that he had to go home and I'll miss being near him. He makes me feel good about myself and I hope I make him feel good about himself. I am a straight up romantic, and prefer romance over straight up raunchy sex. Despite all my Erotica writing, I really am a good girl. I won't have sex just for the sake of having sex. I do want it to mean something. Call me old fashion, but I really prefer making love and having passion. That kind of sex feels right. I will wait for that kind of sex. Right now, I am NOT having sex, haven't for awhile, unless you call self pleasuring sex, but even that I call making love to myself. Last night, I burned candles, incense, and even treated myself to cheese and crackers. I romanced myself and I actually felt fulfilled.

So, I can definately live with small kisses, hand holding and I could cuddle for hours. It is more refreshing for a guy to cuddle than to just wham bam thank you mam which I can't stand. I am content with the way things are going. But once I do feel "comfortable" enough for that next step, which to me is a form of communication, I will want to have it often, as much as I can, but I won't stray. Maybe, I'm just a weirdo?

The next thing I'm being a big chicken about is my surgery. I am so fucking scared. Before, to be honest, with the way my life has been going lately with the soon to be ex, I thought dying on the table may be easier. Now I WANT to live, I want to see where this friendship will go, and at the risk of sounding corny, I have something to live for now, meaning another chance. It's a new start again. I will never quit quiting in my life. I can't fear every little failure, I have to look forward to the future, because life really is too short to waste it. So I am gonna keep smiling, and living it up, going to the movies, bowling, walking in the woods, sitting watching DVD's while being a cuddle bug, slow dancing, all CLEAN ways of comforting. But I will still be getting my vibrators thank you very much Trojan :-)  I have to get some practice again. But they say having sex after a really long time is like riding a bike, you never really forget how to do it, it just feels a little awkard until you get some practice in. Yeah, I am going to practice on myself :-)

Damn, I was talking about my upcoming surgery!!!! How did I get back on the topic of sex. LOL Mr Freud, you Bastard!!!! OK, so this surgery on Thursday, has me a bit scared. I will fight to recover, so I can start my life on a clean slate. I will be the new Anya. I will live my life to it's fullest, be the nicest I can be and of course cultivate my relationship with MA, in whatever way it goes. I am smiling now. I hope he is smiling. He has a beautiful smile. I know he hates compliments, but I like to give them when ones are due.

Well, I got this off my chest. I can probably try to get some rest? I do feel so insecure though. Which is hard to sleep feeling that way. I do have a really good brainstorm on a blog post about why people have a hard time letting go of the past. I was gonna finish it up tonight, but my head isn't really into it right now. I will finish it tomorrow. Probably no Erotica for a little while. I don't feel the drive right now. But when I feel an inspiration coming on, I will definately post. I will have to think of a different scenario since I can't find my flash drive with all my good stuff on it, but I am sure my inspiration would appreciate my creativity being new than on an old creative muse?
Until next time,
Chicken Anya