A Splendor in Goodbye

I keep reflecting on my life and all that I accomplished in it. Aside from the four most beautiful kids I helped create, I really haven't done much special. Why am I thinking like this? I know people have surgery every day, and LIVE! Why am I so obsessed with dying? I don't want to die, so I guess that is why I am obsessing with it, because I feel that because I don't want to die, I will be punished with death. Plus, just when I am starting to get happy again, I am waiting for that perverbial rug to be pulled out from under my feet. Life always seems to fall on the butter side down.

I wrote letters to my parents, my therapist, MA, and even the soon to be ex. I am getting things off my chest. But I decided not to give them away, except I gave my therapist her letter today when I saw her. I wonder what she will think of that? They basically say that my wishes are for my kids to be looked after, if I happen to pass. That I want "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry and if possible "White Rabbit" by Jefferson Airplane played at my funeral, cause it has a special meaning for me. I also wrote my love for each of the important people in my life. I love a lot of people, cause that is my purpose in life. To spread love,  joy and happiness on all different type of levels. I really should have been a flower child :-)

Tomorrow is also the last day I see MA before my surgery. Boo Hoo, no more movies and hanging out for a while, unless I get better more quickly than expected. Who knows, some people are very inspiring to me, to want to be a better person. I just don't want to be that out of sight out of mind person. I'd feel so sad and hurt. It's just an early friendship/relationship? Friendship is a type a relationship right? Anyway, I hope that I am not forgotten. But if I die, then I guess it wouldn't matter? I need to get off this death issue!!! Geez, I'm such a DRAG!!!! On to more positive news!!

My parents who have been incessantly trying to get me back to the East Side has finally agreed to help me get either an apartment or house to rent out here. Probably an apartment ? Seems cheaper. I really need to focus my attention on NOT going into a wrong housing environment too quickly without research. I MUST DO THIS RIGHT!!!! I always said, I'd die in this house because I always lived either in a small apartment or trailer and I love this house, but it's costing my sanity. I am unhappy here, being treated badly and most important, my kids aren't being treated nice either. So, I will rectify the situation. I need to put my big girl pants on and take control of my life. It has been so out of control for the last 15 years, too long to be unhappy. I am 38 and I want to spend my last years happy and content. If this surgery don't kill me, I plan on living till 101!!! So, I am still considered a youngin on them terms.

I need to get some rest, and stop obsessing about death. I already cleaned out my closet, all my old clothes, I've been busy, and yet I am still wide awake. Hurry up Ambien start to work!!!! Tomorrow is gonna be a good day and kinda sad.
Anya