I must say, I have been living in a sexual drought for a while. With the cancer and all the stress, I didn't really miss it. However, with BA coming into my life, he has awakened my true inner self and I feel ALIVE again!!! I was fixin to stay celibate for a long while. But I finally met my match. He is so sexy, with the same sex drive as myself. I wonder what we would be like in the same room together?
Last night, I pleasured myself before bed, and I felt super-charged. I often find myself today, thinking about what I was thinking about when touching myself and wonder how he would touch me. As I said previously, I have met my match. He enjoys being sexual as I do. There is never a bad time to make-love.....well, unless you are sick or just had surgery, but even after surgery a few days later, I am frisky. Someone who wouldn't turn me down nor would I turn him down. If this is how I live the rest of my life out, I will die a happy woman.
I am not talking about marriage. I am still not sure I want to enter into that institution again. I am not opposed to it. I live on a day to day schedule and tomorrow is promised to no one!!!! If it shall happen, it will, if it was meant to be, then so be it but my purpose hasn't been revealed just yet. I know he was brought into my life for a reason. I want to help him, and I feel a strong need to protect him. I will do so. So strange how we started talking and connected on all levels to me feeling a strong urge to protect this beautiful souled man. In a way, I feel some sort of love, not in love, but love at first connection to him. Not sure what I feel about this heart and mind drive and what they want me to do? I don't want to be alone in my life. It is not that life is too damn short, which it is, but that we are dead too long. I want someone I can protect, care for and make-love to on a daily basis. First you have to have chemistry. Communication and be in my Circle of Trust. He has qualified.
Problem, he lives so far away. It's hard to help him when I am so far away. I can't move to him until my last child is at least 17! Or my 16 year old turns 18 and is in college. If I choose to do so. But I love Michigan and he is from Michigan previously so maybe he would consider moving back at some point? After visiting, he may decide I am not what he wants in a relationship. It's hard having a long distant relationship but it can work, especially if it was meant to be. I have patience, all the patience in the world.
So, today, I will sit back and enjoy my days with my daughters, and I will take good care of myself and continue to learn and grow and BETTER myself. I learned from past mistakes. I love my new course "A Course In Miracles". I am continuing to grow and transform into the person I want to be. I want to share this feeling. Once I get my own PC, rather than this library one, I can write more candid and detailed posts. For now, know, I am in the right direction and I am happy. Finally! Things do happen for a reason, we may not know that reason, but God does and He has a plan for me and each of us. I might as well let Him teach me my lesson and follow where He wants me to be as in what the Course talks about.
Peace, Love and Light!
Tracie
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